Tag Archives: Hollywood

An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 4- Names That Are Also Penis Jokes, Because We Are Grown Adults)

“Haha, we have the emotional maturity of children.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 dick van dyke

You knew it was just a matter of time until this would happen. After devoting nearly 4,000 words to celebrities with stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame who are either kind of famous (but shouldn’t have stars), super obscure (and randomly have stars), and have silly names (and stars) we’ve landed on the most important part of this whole endeavor.

Dick jokes.

Okay, okay, we’re kidding, you got us, no we’re not going to just write an entire article of “people with stars on the Walk of Fame who have a pun for male genitalia somewhere in their name.” No, that would be childish, ridiculous and, frankly, unprofessional.

There’s also a name with the word “butt” in there.

Listen, we’re not happy about it either, but this is happening, so strap on in.

An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 4- Names That Are Also Penis Jokes, Because We Are Grown Adults)

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An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 3- Silly Names)

“Tee-hee, look at the name on that star.”

~Tourists walking down the Hollywood Walk of Fame

 walk of fame

We’ve already written two articles about the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and specifically about the people who manage to get their name put on stars that make us think, “…Huh. Really?” We’ve already talked about some famous people who might not be super deserving, as well as some people we have never fucking heard of that are scattered throughout. But now we’re going to go to our favorite section—people who got their stars despite being people we’ve never heard of who also have extremely silly names.

And no, we’re not going to have names that sound like dirty jokes. That would be juvenile. Also, we’re saving all those for part four. Here we go!

An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 3- Silly Names)

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An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 2- Much, Much, Much Less Famous, but Equally Confusing Entries)

“What do you mean no one knows who I am anymore? I got a star on the Walk of Fame, dammit!”

~Wesley Ruggles

holly wood star

Last week, we posted an article about famous celebrities who have a star on the Walk of Fame that maybe, just maybe, proved that getting a star has less to do with your achievements and more to do with your willingness to find someone to spend $40,000 on the damn thing. But despite the amount of shit we gave Bobby Flay for his Hollywood star, all the people included in our first article were at least some amount of famous to today’s culture.

But Hollywood has been around for a while, and let’s just say that not all the stars on the Walk of Fame have aged particularly gracefully. So for our second Hollywood Walk of Fame article, we will focus on people who, sure, may have been big deals a half century ago, but now simply elicit blank stares of, “…Who?” when we come across their name today. Consider this, we don’t know, a history lesson or something.

An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 2- Much, Much, Much Less Famous, but Equally Confusing Entries)

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An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 1- Famous But Confusing Entries)

“Meh, I’m good.”

~Clint Eastwood, When Nominated For a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

rugrats

Ever since it opened to the public in 1960, the Hollywood Walk of Fame has held a special place as an arbiter of cultural importance. You know someone’s made it when they get their name on a star. It shows that they’re real giants of the industry. You know, your John Waynes, your Steven Spielbergs, your Levar Burtons. However, the process for getting a star might not be quite as selective as you’d think. It largely depends on agreeing to show up to the ceremony, and getting a third party to pay $40,000 for the application fee. Sure, there’s a committee that has to determine if you’re “worth” the star, but that’s more of a formality than anything else. Which means that people who are, let’s say, fringe candidates get stars surprisingly often.

And as a result, there are some…let’s say strange stars on the Walk of Fame. So, we did some digging, and helped come up with an incomplete list of stars that have been given to people (or things) that we find generally bemusing. Since there were so many (seriously there are so many stars on the damn thing) we decided to split it into four parts. Here’s part one, entries that you’ve definitely heard of, but when you hear they got a star on the Walk of Fame your initial response would be…really?

An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 1- Famous But Confusing Entries)

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The Most Hilarious Debut Film Appearances of Famous Actors

“Mom, do you want my green stuff?”

~Matt Damon’s Actual First Line of Dialogue in a Film, Ever

matt damon mystic pizza

Outside of winning the lottery or having a trust fund, success typically is earned through hard work and dedication.  You have to start from somewhere.  That’s most easily noticeable in the careers of actors, who work their way up to reach stardom and, as a result, tend to have some strange and unusual roles in their early acting days.  For as much as gossip magazine try to emphasize “Stars go grocery shopping, JUST LIKE US!” they’re probably better off demonstrating that sentiment by, say, showing Ben Affleck do a Burger King commercial before he got famous.  Even the actors who seemingly broke out of nowhere had to put in their dues, and that American quality for hard work is something we support, even when we go out of our way to find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to poke fun at them.

So let’s find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to make fun of them.

The Most Hilarious Debut Film Appearances of Famous Actors

lindsay lohan jello

Okay, now that’s just kicking someone when they’re down.

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Wherein AFFotD Discovers an Erroneous Discussion of America’s Greatness By a Dastardly Foe of the Moniker “The Health Ranger” Who Threatens Our Very Way of American Excellence Through Cowardly Ideals

“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great.  Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it).  But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness.  An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live:  Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument.  But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News?  Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.

First of all…nature?  Fuck nature.  How many times do we have to say that?  Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book.  But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner.  Do you see what we see?  CHINESE!?  SPIES!  THEY’RE SPIES!  When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.

So right off the bat, we have some concerns.  Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green.  Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America.  Why did he throw the word “still” in there?  It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer.  We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.

“Ha ha!  Plausible Deniability!”

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