“Tee-hee, look at the name on that star.”
~Tourists walking down the Hollywood Walk of Fame
We’ve already written two articles about the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and specifically about the people who manage to get their name put on stars that make us think, “…Huh. Really?” We’ve already talked about some famous people who might not be super deserving, as well as some people we have never fucking heard of that are scattered throughout. But now we’re going to go to our favorite section—people who got their stars despite being people we’ve never heard of who also have extremely silly names.
And no, we’re not going to have names that sound like dirty jokes. That would be juvenile. Also, we’re saving all those for part four. Here we go!
An Incomplete List of Every Strange, Surprising, or Altogether Weird Names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Part 3- Silly Names)
So Helen Twelvetrees is so obscure that there aren’t even any pictures of her star online. But that said, we don’t know why we like that name so much, but we do. Our initial guess that her original name was Helen ThirteenTrees, but she had changed it so as not to be bad luck, turned out to be incorrect. We then assumed it was a stage name (since her birth name was Helen Marie Jurgens, which isn’t much better but at least isn’t blatantly silly) but she actually married a dude with that last name, and took the name. We’re frankly more shocked that Twelvetrees is a last name that exists in the real world. That sounds like the name for a family of half-giants in Harry Potter or something.
Y. Frank Freeman
Y. Frank Freeman, as in, what they said when someone nominated him for a star. “Why Frank Freeman?” He was some film exec, like, that’s all he did. Look at how sparse this Wikipedia entry is. How does this guy have a star!?
So, okay, this is Spanky from the horrifically cursed The Little Rascals. His real name was George, but he now is immortalized as Spanky. Which seems kind of cruel. In fact, it’s doubly so because back then, the word “spanky” didn’t have anything to do with spanking. He started acting at the age of 3, and since he was a tiny toddler who could act, they called him Spanky, which was a slang term for intelligent, gifted toddlers. Well, okay, so technically George is the one who claimed that, so it could be total bullshit, like someone named Shit-stain insisting, “No, no, Shit-stain is a nickname lost in time, back when they first started calling me that, it meant ‘super good at sex.’”
By the way, if you haven’t read our cursed Little Rascals article yet, it’s super dark, but did you know that the kid who played Alfalfa in The Little Rascals died when he was 31 after getting shot in the dick because of a dispute over a reward for a lost dog? Total non-sequitur, we know, but holy shit, right?
This sounds like a fake name. “Yes, I am…John, uh, Actor…son and this is…Hank….Mann.” Like, Wikipedia says he was a silent screen star who worked with Charlie Chaplain and was a member of the Keystone Cops, but you can’t fool us. This is a fake name.
Soupy Sales is one of the more well-known performers on this particular “lol Walk of Fame” articles. He’s probably most famous for popularizing the “pie in the face” gag. He also ran the children’s television show Lunch with Soupy Sales, and randomly has a Snopes page verifying that he once told his children to take the “little green pieces of paper” from their parents’ wallets and send them to him, which they did, which honestly is kind of hilarious we’re not even mad. Most recently, before his passing in 2009, he apparently had a feud with Howard Stern while hosting his own radio show in New York during the 1980’s.
But, like, come on. The guy’s (stage) name is Soupy Sales. Soupy Sales! What a ridonkulous name!
Best known for his regular role on Petticoat Junction, Smiley Burnette has an utterly ridiculous name. When you hear the name “Smiley Burnette” you don’t think, “Oh yes, that’s the name of a country music performer and comedic sidekick actor,” you think, “Is…is he trying to describe a woman he sees who is smiling?” It wasn’t until twenty years after his death that he got his star on the Walk of Fame, but there it is. Smiley Burnette. So now, countless generations can stroll the streets of Los Angeles and ask themselves…
“Wait so like…is this just…just a brown haired actress who…smiled a lot?”
Anyway, come back next week for our final entry in our Hollywood series where we, no joke, are just going to list all the names that are dick jokes that make us giggle. You are more than welcome to judge us, and judge us harshly.