“I want to see whatever movie is rated ‘Um holy shit.’”
~America’s movie going audiences
America likes going to see the movies. Granted, they don’t always like going to see good movies, but movies are still seen nonetheless. Of course, we don’t want children under the age of 4 seeing dismemberments, and we really like making it hard for thirteen year olds to see large projected breasts, so the MPAA is there to put arbitrary ratings on each movie.
Obviously, each of these ratings represents a different level of American values. Because some movies like to have vegetables talk to you about Jesus, and are rated accordingly, while other’s like to say “motherfucker” while they explode the shit out of a plane. That is why we are here with a handy guide to let you know what to expect when you’re watching a film of a certain rating.
STANDS FOR: “Geriatric friendly.” “Go ahead and bring your kids, they’re going to grow up to disappoint you anyway.”
HOW AMERICAN IS IT?: Not very. Let’s put it this way, “Grenada” starts with G, and that’s part of the reason why we invaded them in 1983 (also communism). G rated movies are the equivalent of the old lady that hands out toothbrushes instead of candy on Halloween and says “darn” about everything. It’s so bad that if you even show someone smoking on screen, it can’t be rated G. We’re pretty sure G rated movies aren’t allowed to show bananas because they look so much like dicks. By the way, if America Fun Fact of the Day made a G rated film, the world would collapse on itself.
G rated films usually are centered around animals doing goofy things, or cartoons trying not to be edgy. We’re amazed any film is tape enough to be considered for a G rating, since when you see a G rated film in the movie theatres that “thwack thwack thwack” noise you hear in the background isn’t from the film, it’s actually from members of congress participating in mutual masturbation with the MPAA.
Though we’re pretty sure Bambi was rated G, and they killed the shit out of the mom deer in that, so the films aren’t entirely worthless.
STANDS FOR: “Pretty gentle” “Possibly Generates boredom”
HOW AMERICAN IS IT?: A little, we guess. Making a PG rated film is about as safe and boring as going to college as a commuter student. You’re getting a general experience, but you know that it’s not nearly as fun as it would have been if you had stopped being such a pussy and just moved into a damn dorm. PG rated movies are usually directed by Mormons who want to create massive schisms in their family by putting out a film that uses the word “Damn.” Back in the day, PG used to be “everything that’s not R, basically” which meant you could get some sweet side boob action, or maybe watch a dude’s heart get ripped out of his chest. Now it’s lost a lot of its bite, but at least it’s not a G rated movie.
STANDS FOR: “Punching Guts for 13 minutes” “Pretty Girl shows 1/3 of her breast”
HOW AMERICAN IS IT?: Now we’re getting somewhere. PG-13 movies are pretty damn American because it’s the highest rating you can have before the objectively stop people of certain ages from going into the theatre to see it. So movies try to figure out exactly how much they can get in there before it gets bumped to an R. As a result, swearing is suddenly cool again! Damn, bitch, shit, ass, hell, they’ll even let you say “fuck” once or twice. Famously, the film Titanic somehow was rated PG-13 despite featuring a full on front boob shot of Kate Winslet. Conservative estimates say that tens of thousands of 13 year old boys went to see the three hour movie just because they heard there were boobs in it and they didn’t have to pass for being 17. So apparently if you only show one boob, it’s PG-13, but once you show the whole package, it’s R. Who knew?
Shit can get blown up, you can watch people bang, and for some reason fart joke based movies tend to gravitate to this particular rating.
STANDS FOR: “REALLY AWESOME” “Rock on!”
HOW AMERICAN IS IT?: This is the apex, folks. What do you want to see in your movie? Titties? We’ll give you so much titties. Stimulated sex? Hell yeah! People getting their guts ripped out? SURE! Really, anything goes with this stuff. Unless you show, you know, erect male genitals. That’s a nono. Flaccid? Fine, begrudgingly, but why would you want that in your movie anyway? It just dangles there, making everyone uncomfortable. Ladies, you know what we’re talking about. Everything you want to do as an American, you can show on a Rated R film (unless you, uh, look at the point of entry during sex. Because showing full penetration is a no-no).
If movie ratings were blue-collar rock and roll, the R rating would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is why you’ll be surprised to hear about the unAmericanness of the following, and final, rating.
STANDS FOR: “National Consensus: A bunch of art film bullshit”
HOW AMERICAN IS IT?: We know what you’re thinking. “If it has enough boobs and guts and man junk to make it WORSE than Rated R, why isn’t it American?” That’s because most of these films are boring art films usually from…France. And there’s an old saying about French person nudity that dates back all the way to when American soldiers were stationed in Paris during and after World War II: “If you see a French tit, you already have syphilis.” It’s sad but true. So beware, America. Beware.