“Ha, sorry guys, no titties here.”
~AffotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Running a website dedicated to Americanness in all of its makingupnessofwordsness forms is a lot like being God. You wield total power (not only can we delete your comments if we don’t like them, we can edit the text of your comment to make you seem stupid), you are totally in charge of what people can see, and most people don’t have a clue if you exist or not. Do we let this power go to our head? Oh, absolutely.
But there’s another aspect to maintaining AFFotD that you might not immediately assume—when you find our website through a google search, it lets us know what you searched for that led you to read our website. A lot of the times, it’s not anything that’s particularly surprising. For example, our most searched item is “Popcorn Sutton” because we wrote an article about Popcorn Sutton that had some, well, less than ideal writing decisions, but people finding our site searching that name, that just makes sense. Additionally, we’ve had over 2,000 people find our page searching for “ugly cow” because we once wrote an article that had a picture of an ugly cow. Google is not nearly as sophisticated as all their algorithm talk would have you believe.
“Ha, that cow is CRAZY!”
Naturally, people will use odd and occasionally sketchy search terms that somehow leads to them stumbling onto our site. These search engine hits generally range from “very strange” to “ha ha ha ha oh man y’all search for boobs a lot, you’re going to be really pissed off when you click that link and end up staring at a grizzly bear toting a shotgun.” Today, we’re going to focus on some of the weirder terms we’ve run into.
AFFotD’s Strangest Search Engine Hits
Normally, searches leading to this site make sense. For example, people have found affotd.com by googling “affotd” 92 times. That’s one more than the amount of people who have stumbled onto our site searching for “Jack Kerouac Death” and one fewer than “Abraham Lincoln Sunglasses.” So, you know, we’re doing pretty well for ourselves. Though for you affotd googlers, you do know you can just type that in your browser and be good to go too, right? Just double checking.
Anyway, below are a list of some search results that tickled our fancy, along with the number of unfortunate and occasionally oddball souls that came across affotd.com as a result of that fateful search.
Man Licking Foot- 43 hits
Apparently, the top google image search for “man licking foot” is that above photo from our “Hilarious American Senior Portraits” article which was basically us stealing a bunch of images from a superbooyah article. What we’re kind of amazed by is the fact that google decided to put this as the prime example of a man licking his own foot through no prompting on our end—we named the photo, and this is 100% true, “he went on to the be the bumbling detective on The Wire.”
We’re not sure what’s more terrifying, the fact that we are apparently the go-to website for all your black and white self-foot-licking picture needs, or that 43 people have at some point been like, “Man, what I really need is a picture of a dude licking his foot…yes! Thanks internet!” We get that it’s naïve to be surprised that there are multiple people out there who want to see some foot licking, we just didn’t expect ourselves to be forced into that conversation.
Where to Buy Non Alcoholic Vodka- 46 hits
When we sit back and look at this search result rationally, we’re not that surprised. We wrote an article at the end of 2011 entitled “America’s Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor” which obviously consisted of 2,000 words about a puppy and a kitten who are friends despite the long odds. However, emotionally, this both infuriates us and bemuses us, since the person who is googling this clearly wants to find some non-alcoholic vodka to buy and drink, which is something we can’t abide, whereas the article they stumbled upon spends three paragraphs actively insulting the person who would want to buy non-alcoholic vodka. When you’re typing in “dear Google, where might I purchase non-alcoholic vodka, for please” because you don’t know how Google works, and you end up with “the only reason why non-alcoholic vodka isn’t marketed under the name ‘succubus’ is that the marketing people trying to sell the stuff feared that naming it after a soul-sucking female sex demon would give the product too much of a good reputation” you probably aren’t going to come out of your search feeling satisfied.
Our only hope is that of the 46 people who found our website searching for this read our words of warning and decided not to live a life where drinking non-alcoholic vodka was a good idea. If we can safely say we’ve turned one person away from that evil, well, then we can sleep easy at night.
Mountain of Bacon- 46 hits
This picture is at the tail end of an article we wrote about Earthquake shelters, which was put in there for reasons that aren’t worth explaining to a sober mind. That said, are we mad that 46 people found us trying to find mountains of bacon? Not at all. This is wonderful, and we salute every single one of those enterprising Googlers.
Sweet Boobs- 47 hits
We don’t know what article people got to searching for “sweet boobs” but we can pretty much assure you that whatever they were looking for, they didn’t find. There’s just a lot of people that search for boobs and somehow end on our site. Is it because we’ve used the word boobs in articles before? Is it because of the time we wrote about that sketchy German company that bottled whiskey that they’d pour on the boobs of Playboy models first?
We also question the kind of people that google for boobs. Like, the internet is pretty much a tidy but cozy storefront where it’s like, “yup, we got ESPN and Amazon.com here, it’s all lovely, CNN too, get your news and information!” and behind the door is just this pansexual bazaar that no one is really ready for no matter how dark their sexual interests have gotten. The internet is like 95% pornography, so who’re the poor bastards out there trying to be like, “Okay, let’s see some boobs. Yeah, sweet ones. Oh damn, this is just some stupid comedy fact site, oh, son of a bitch!”
Pig With Gun- 53 hits
Look! It’s a pig! With a gun! We totally stole this picture from google images (we steal most of our pictures from google images)! This is an article about the Pig War. We’re totally cool with this being on this list.
French Boobs- 59 hits
We straight up don’t know what people are doing with the internet. There are at least 59 people who are doing porn wrong. First of all, yes, boobs are universal, but get that French shit out of here. And again, we must stress, who are you just googling for boobs? You’re doing internet porn wrong, you guys.
Only Boobs- 77 hits
Only boobs! That’s all! All that is requested! Boobs and nothing else! No elbows! No faces! No torsos! I’M FEELING LUCKY GOOGLE!
Alcohol Enema Instructions- 456 hits
Oh God. Maybe we should just shut down the site. Oh, wow. 456…
Yeah, just, shut it down folks.
Nothing to see here.
We’re not going to help people just, no. We’re, no. Done. Donezo. Finuto. Good day, sir.
…We said good day!