Hilarious American Senior Portraits

“Integrity be damned, steal it, steal the damn thing!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices work on, you know, teh internetz, we usually have to keep an hear to the grindstone, as people who don’t know how idioms or grindstones work would say.  The internet offers us a wealth of information so we never have to do pesky things like “Research facts” or “learn to use books instead of Wikipedia.”  You’d think with 20 people in our research staff, we’d be able to offer more breaking news stories, but nope.  Huffington Post has more employees than us (basically) and half of their posts are just embedded Daily Show segments and stories lifted from other blogs.  So excuse us if we don’t feel the need to get our hands dirty with “knowledge” when we can just do the American thing and steal other people’s hard work.

Yes, we steal stuff in America.  Get over it, man.  Besides, you’re not even an Indian.  You’re Italian.  Face.

That’s why we felt reluctant to straight up steal the meticulous work done in this article from superbooyah (who seems to split their articles evenly between “Hot chicks not wearing a lot of clothes” and “Freaky people with scary faces”) that gathered up the “100 Worst Senior Portraits of All Time” for us to marvel at.

His haircut may say “Bowl cut” but his laptop screensaver says…well, also “Bowl cut”.

But just posting the same 100 pictures would be pretty tame (and, well, time consuming for our photo department/that one homeless guy we pay a few bucks to click the “insert photo” button for us), so we’re going to go in a different route by celebrating the absurd Senior Portrait photos that have been taken that truly exemplify America in its most awkwardly adolescent glory.  That should narrow down the amount of these hilarious, hilarious pictures we utilize.  Right?

Finding the inner-American nature of these photos will probably be a chore, considering this picture of a band guy who is displaying his souisophones sousaphones sousaph…ii tubas and other wind instruments like some sort of musical black arms dealer.  We might have bitten off more than we can chew here if these are the kinds of photos we’re going to be stuck working with.  It’s not like we’ll be able to find a picture of a kid holding a flaming baseball bat or something…

Umm…holy spectacled Jesus, that’s incredible.  Look at that stone cold look on his slightly-more-chubby-than-you’d-expect-from-an-athlete face.  That expression says, in no uncertain terms, “I am holding a baseball bat that is on fire, and I have no problems with taking steroids if I think it’ll help me.”  He’s like a little arsonist version of Roger Clemens.  But, much like the Mona Lisa and other masterpieces, this powerful image leaves the viewer with more questions than answers.  How many times did they try this?  Why does the image look just slightly out of focus?  What did they use to set the bat on fire, and how long did it burn?  Did he keep that expression on his face the whole time?

We’re just saying, have you ever lit a match and held onto it for a few seconds before it starts burning your fingers and you go, “Ouch,” and drop it?  We can’t imagine that with a baseball bat, but we’re pretty sure this kid, we’ll call him Roger Clemens Jr., we’re pretty sure Roger Clemens Jr. severely burnt his hands during this photo shoot.

Totally worth it, right two kids randomly kung-fu dancing?

“Indeed yes, I say.  Indeed I say, it has worth, I shall dance to prove its worth.”

“I too, I too will prove this worth, only with punches.”

This guy gets it though, this guy knows what it takes to succeed in America.  You need hair product, that’s a given.  Nice clothes, hell yeah, but you don’t want to be one of those “ties a tie all the way to the top of the collar” guys, no, in America you gotta make sure that tie is loose, as a way to say, “I’m so busy being American, I can’t even tie my tie all the way.”  Ditto with the rolled sleeves, rolled sleeves are synonymous with buckling down and getting work done, the American way.

As for the high voltage sign, well, that’s self explanatory.  Successful Americans don’t need to wear safety gloves in High Voltage areas.  Or wait, was that a secret that only successful Americans are supposed to know?  Shit, uh, we’re in a jam, help us out future pedophilia convict!

“Shhhh, it’s our little secret”

Oh look, Jason Voorhees as a high schooler.  This kid was voted “Most likely to succeed” as well as “Most likely to kill someone with a chainsaw” in his class.  It’s like Eli Roth did a remake of A&E Biographies.  It’s good enough that we’re officially starting a campaign about chainsaws, right now, right here.  You think we’re kidding?  Bullshit.  It’s a grassroots campaign on facebook now, see for yourself.  That’s how strongly we feel about chainsaw rights.  God bless you, Jason Voorhees.

See?  Even two kids randomly kung-fu dancing agree with us on that point.

“Indeed yes, I say.  Indeed I say, I agree in the worth of chainsaws, and their worth.”

“I too, I too agree of their worth, of chainsaws, with my fists.”

Also, God help us if she’s not 18, but…Rule 34…

Someone just thought “A ghost happily giving birth to a full sized flesh version of herself before our very eyes” and this existed.  That’s fucking gross.  Even grosser because if that’s the direction we’re taking this, that means that the cursive “Megan” is the placenta.  Eww.  Goddamn it, internet.  But slightly less gross than pointing out that someone decided to superimpose two images to make it look like Megan here is being her own goddamn gynecologist.  Even this dude thinks that’s gross.

Oddly enough, this guy is the reason why Rule 34 exists in the first place.  None of you would have assumed that there was an obsessive Marvin the Martian fan out there, but not only was there one, there was one that was so into Marvin the Martian that he posed for his Senior portrait with a collectors doll of Marvin the Martian, as well as a Marvin the Martian hat and T-shirt.  We had a good three hundred word manifesto making fun of this kid, but then we realized we should go easy on him, you know?  High School couldn’t have been easy for this kid.

Also, he’s got that kind of smile that gives off a pretty big “could become a serial killer if things go a certain way” vibe.  Speaking of serial killers…

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Uh… sorry, this looks like the Frankenstein Monster of photoshop.  This is the mental image that flashes into a terrified Alice Cooper’s mind every time he hears one of the groupies he had sex with in the 80’s is looking to talk to him about “something important.”  Because Alice Cooper shouldn’t have to wear condoms, he’s Alice fucking Cooper.  All we know about this picture are three things- this is clearly not the first time that snake’s tail has been near his junk, his head looks like it was digitally transposed on his body, and this guy looks like he has to be at least 40 years old.  This was supposed to be High School Portraits, right?  The fuck?  What gives?  By the way here’s a bald guy licking his foot.

Finally, there’s only one way to sum this…eclectic selection of questionable photographs.  One photo in the bunch that shows America’s blind knowledge that we are greater than everyone else out there.  That, of course, would be…

You might see the chubby kid with a clarinet, we see the terrifying ginger with murder in his eyes.  But goddamn it if he does not sum up America pretty succinctly.  Plus, we’re not going to insult him.  Because we’re pretty sure we want to be on his good side when he finally snaps and takes over the world.  Back us up here,  two kids randomly kung-fu dancing.

“Indeed yes, I say.  Indeed I say, I will worship our God for Godlikeness.”

“I too, I too agree of his Godlikeness, of this God, I shall worship with my fists.”