America’s Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

“And I shall banish this evil from the land.”

~He who shall save us from our darkest hour

Drinking alcohol is not only a delicious and helpful way to forget about your troubles, it also happens to be crucially important to all of America.  Without alcohol, churches wouldn’t be able to drink Jesus, baseball stadiums would be empty, and our birth rates would drop considerably.  It is responsible for the popularity of bowling, golf, and attractive female bartenders.  Alcohol is, in a word, essential.  It is our nation’s lifeblood.

Which is why this post will be distressing to many of you.

For as great as alcohol is as a way to cure you of your boredom, inhibitions, or not-having-cirrhosis tendencies, there are people out there that spurn alcohol.  While that itself is a shock to our sensibilities, they compound they issue by…by…

…By making non-alcoholic versions of booze.

“NON-alcoholic beer?  I’ll KILL YOU

That is why we are here to warn you, the vigilant American reader, about these threats to our society.  And if you happen to see any of the following products for sale in a grocery store, you are within your legal rights to burn the place to the ground.  It’s in the constitution, look it up.  And now, with much trepidation, we present to you…

The Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

There are ways to find out what steps companies use to rid products of alcohol, but if we asked our research staff to look into how one would remove alcohol from booze, they’re contractually obligated to kill us and erase us from the memories of our closest family members.  If we had to guess, non-alcoholic beer, wine, and liquor is probably created by taking perfectly good booze and using some sort of fun-sucking machine that removes the joy of life from anything it comes into contact with.

Of course, if we wanted to be responsible, we’d make up some lie about some terrifying ingredient in all non-alcoholic beverages as a way to ensure that none of you ever drink it.  So, let’s just say, poison.  The secret ingredient is poison.  For all of these products.  Poison.

Non-Alcoholic Beer

We at AFFotD are not known for our hyperbole, so when we say that non-alcoholic beer is literally the worst thing to ever exist, you can get an idea of how deathly serious we are.  You know why the logo on this can of ruined potential doesn’t have a face?  Because every time you buy non-alcoholic beer, government officials go through every single high school yearbook featuring your image and scratches out your identifiable features.  If you ever drink an entire can of non-alcoholic beer without falling into a month-long coma, we have some bad news for you: you’re already dead and everything since the accident has just been a wonderful dream.

The Geneva convention clearly states that if you give a prisoner of war a non-alcoholic beer, that constitutes a war crime.  Non-alcoholic beer primarily is used in local animal shelters as a way to euthanize unwanted dogs, and it is responsible for causing 60% of all impotence-themed nightmares.  That said, NA beer does have some positive uses.  It can strip tar from driveways, it is one of the three chemical compounds used in Texan lethal injections, and if it ever touches your skin, you’ll never be able to grow facial hair again for the rest of your life.

Non-Alcoholic Wine

Do you like grape juice, but wished it wasn’t quite as sweet and stained your teeth more?  Do you like wine, but don’t like the fact that it makes you feel happy?  In that case, stop reading, you’ve brought shame to your family!  That’s right, alcohol-free wine exists, and while it’s not as egregious as non-alcoholic beer, it’s still a baffling phenomenon.  Granted, of all the items on this list, this is the least repugnant- out of respect for all the vineyards located in America we can only assume that non-alcoholic wine is basically just grape juice marketed towards, we don’t’ know, the Catholic church or something.  Wine on it’s own at least has a somewhat sweet, juice-like flavor to it, we guess.

The more we think about it, the more this product sounds like a way for Mormons to pretend they’re fitting in at parties while pissing off the rest of their guests.  “Huh, what vintage is this wine, Carl?  It seems pretty off.  I can hardly taste the tannins.  And hey, aren’t you Mormon?  You’re not allowed to drink, right?  Oh what’s that?  Alcohol-free wine?  Oh, fuck you!  You’re an asshole, I hope you and your sacred underwear burn in hell, you blonde haired freak!”

Yeah, we’re just going to assume that’s the target demographic for non-alcoholic wine.  Mormons.  Still, it’s not nearly as bad as…

Non-Alcoholic Vodka

The invention of non-alcoholic vodka marks the first and only successful collaboration between Soviet Russia and Satan, the Father of Lies.  For those of you who just thought, “Non-alcoholic vodka?  That sounds like the dumbest thing ever” you’d be right, and that’s why you’re here reading this article while the first distributers of this product are in the bowels of Hades being punched in the groin by millions of angry Irish demons.  Since vodka is by definition a neutral spirit (the high end vodkas actually artificially add a “burn” after the fact to distinguish it from competing vodkas) the difference between non-alcoholic vodka and water is that you normally don’t chase a glass of water with rubbing alcohol so you can feel something to dull the suddenly gapping maw in your soul.  The only reason why non-alcoholic vodka isn’t marketed under the name “Succubus” is that the marketing people trying to sell the stuff feared that naming it after a soul-sucking female sex demon would give the product too much of a good reputation.

If you’re ever at the counter of a store trying to buy non-alcoholic vodka, as soon as you finalize your purchase the cashier’s eyes turn all black and he starts screaming, “FOOL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” before immediately bursting into flames.  After you’ve filled out the police report (“No, officer, I swear, I don’t know what happened, his body just became double jointed and he crawled around like a crab while he smouldered!”) and gone home, the moment you take the non-alcoholic vodka out of the grocery bag every picture of your house suddenly transforms into autopsy pictures of dead celebrities.  When you poor the non-alcoholic vodka into a glass, a toxic gas leak springs up in every elementary school within a five mile radius, and when you finally drink it you get sucked into hell and your entire existence is wiped away from this reality.

We’ve been working on a horror film called “Non-Alcoholic Vodka” and we’re pretty confident that it’s going to be more financially lucrative than those damn Paranormal Activities movies.

And speaking of non-alcoholic “it shouldn’t be…it shouldn’t be…”

Non-Alcoholic Whiskey

Soon to be available at your local greatest fear, a Scottish company will begin offering the world’s first non-alcoholic whiskey.  Called “Arkay” which is Scottish for “Cthulhu, we bring you this world on which to feast” it comes in bottles and aluminum cans, which means that they are catering to the demographic of people that enjoy the taste of whisky enough that they’d want to drink an entire 12 ounce can of it, but who also don’t want to get drunk, enjoy themselves, or accidentally expose themselves in front of their church service again.

This product is clearly only meant for assholes, since we can’t imagine what other purpose someone would have going to a party to drink a can-of-coke worth of fake whiskey.  Because if you drink twelve ounces of fake whiskey, we have to assume you’re going to smell like you just drank twelve ounces of real whiskey.  So the guy drinking this stuff will walk around reeking of a .35 BAC while saying, “No, it’s cool, I drove here, anyone want a ride?”  If we had to guess what hobbies the person using this product would have, we would have to go with the following.

–          Putting small amounts of water into unused, opened condoms and littering them around the guest room when he visits his parents over the holidays.

–          Going to crime scenes to put his fingerprints on random murder weapons when no one is looking.

–          Writing “ARSENIC” on a Nalgene and walking around playgrounds asking small children if they want to “have a sip from my magic water bottle” while in earshot of their parents.

So yes, this person will probably love non-alcoholic whiskey, if for no other reason than taking out a can of Arkay and casually drinking it at a party is much easier and more succinct than having to say, “No one will attend my funeral when I die” to everyone around him.

So if you want to face the scorn of millions of Americans, and, in the case of non-alcoholic vodka, run the real possibility of sucking your home-town into a hell dimension, you should absolutely drink any of the fine products listed above.  If you want to be a goddamn American, however?  Yeah, just stick with the real thing.