“And I shall banish this evil from the land.”
~He who shall save us from our darkest hour
Drinking alcohol is not only a delicious and helpful way to forget about your troubles, it also happens to be crucially important to all of America. Without alcohol, churches wouldn’t be able to drink Jesus, baseball stadiums would be empty, and our birth rates would drop considerably. It is responsible for the popularity of bowling, golf, and attractive female bartenders. Alcohol is, in a word, essential. It is our nation’s lifeblood.
Which is why this post will be distressing to many of you.
For as great as alcohol is as a way to cure you of your boredom, inhibitions, or not-having-cirrhosis tendencies, there are people out there that spurn alcohol. While that itself is a shock to our sensibilities, they compound they issue by…by…
…By making non-alcoholic versions of booze.
“NON-alcoholic beer? I’ll KILL YOU
That is why we are here to warn you, the vigilant American reader, about these threats to our society. And if you happen to see any of the following products for sale in a grocery store, you are within your legal rights to burn the place to the ground. It’s in the constitution, look it up. And now, with much trepidation, we present to you…
The Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor