Yes, of course! Turn it into a cartoon! The kids will love it! This coke is amazing I AM INVINSIBLE!”
~Television Executives of the 80s and 90s
If there’s anything you should take away from our recent article discussing the horrendous movie sequels you didn’t know existed, it’s that nothing is sacred and artistic integrity is a lie we tell ourselves when we watch the first two Godfather movies while pretending that Sophia Coppola never acted. It’s good that we ripped that Band-Aid off quickly because things are going to get worse from here. No, we’re not going to list another set of American-Psycho-2-esque horrendous sequels.
We’re going to talk about your favorite movies turned into baffling, strange, and unnecessary Saturday Morning Cartoons.
Yes, while you were enjoying a happy childhood where your weekends were spent watching GI Joe and Doug, the powers that be decided that your favorite movies should also be cheaply animated and interspersed with commercials for Breakfast cereals. Who cares if the original material is “Rated R” or “features pee-wee hockey players, not giant duck aliens, you fucking maniac”? Cartoons are cheap to make, dammit, and it’s not like an animated series could do any more damage to the Police Academy series than Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach has done already.
Below are the list of America’s most unnecessary animated spin-offs. And holy hell, are they unnecessary.
The Most Absurd Animated Spin-Offs of Classic Movies
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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Ace Ventura, Aliens, America, animated spin-offs, animated tv shows, Beetlejuice, Dumb and Dumber, Friday, Friday: The Animated Series, Jim Carrey, Michael Winslow, Movies, Police Academy, Police Academy: The Series, Puckworld, Rambo, Rambo: The Force of Freedom, Robocop, RoboCop: Alpha Commando, RoboCop: The Animated Series, saturday morning cartoons, Steve Guttenberg, The Mask, The Mighty Ducks, The Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series, The Unpublished Novel That Haunts You
“This is the best cocaine ever, I am a fucking BEAST!”
America has a complex relationship with tragedy. Everyone likes The Shawshank Redemption, but on it’s opening weekend more people went to see The Little Rascals and The Mask. We know Shakespeare’s greatest plays were tragedies, but we don’t give a shit because, come on, plays? We laugh when we see a full grown man get smashed in the groin with a baseball bat, but get pissed off when our lame friend gets all worried and asks, “Is he gonna be able to have kids again?” Tragedy makes us uncomfortable, especially in instances where we see two American flames flicker and extinguish. We love to highlight all that is American, but we prefer to shield ourselves from the tragedy of Americans.
That is, unless a mountain of cocaine is involved, and then we’re all about that shit.
Fair warning, this article will be like 80% cocaine jokes and 20% glossing over the tragedy of a hit and run death
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Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, Aspen, Aspen Colrado, Boettcher, Charles Boettcher, Cocaine, COCAINE COCAINE COCAINE!, Greg Lopez, Mountain of Cocaine, Peter Schmitz, Prussia, Shakespeare, Spicer Breeden, Sydney Stone, The Little Rascals, The Mask, The Shawshank Redemption, Time Magazine, Wyoming