Yes, of course! Turn it into a cartoon! The kids will love it! This coke is amazing I AM INVINSIBLE!”
~Television Executives of the 80s and 90s
If there’s anything you should take away from our recent article discussing the horrendous movie sequels you didn’t know existed, it’s that nothing is sacred and artistic integrity is a lie we tell ourselves when we watch the first two Godfather movies while pretending that Sophia Coppola never acted. It’s good that we ripped that Band-Aid off quickly because things are going to get worse from here. No, we’re not going to list another set of American-Psycho-2-esque horrendous sequels.
We’re going to talk about your favorite movies turned into baffling, strange, and unnecessary Saturday Morning Cartoons.
Yes, while you were enjoying a happy childhood where your weekends were spent watching GI Joe and Doug, the powers that be decided that your favorite movies should also be cheaply animated and interspersed with commercials for Breakfast cereals. Who cares if the original material is “Rated R” or “features pee-wee hockey players, not giant duck aliens, you fucking maniac”? Cartoons are cheap to make, dammit, and it’s not like an animated series could do any more damage to the Police Academy series than Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach has done already.
Below are the list of America’s most unnecessary animated spin-offs. And holy hell, are they unnecessary.
The Most Absurd Animated Spin-Offs of Classic Movies
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Ace Ventura, Aliens, America, animated spin-offs, animated tv shows, Beetlejuice, Dumb and Dumber, Friday, Friday: The Animated Series, Jim Carrey, Michael Winslow, Movies, Police Academy, Police Academy: The Series, Puckworld, Rambo, Rambo: The Force of Freedom, Robocop, RoboCop: Alpha Commando, RoboCop: The Animated Series, saturday morning cartoons, Steve Guttenberg, The Mask, The Mighty Ducks, The Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series, The Unpublished Novel That Haunts You
“Goddamn it AFFotD, now I REALLY want pizza for dinner.”
We here at AFFotD have a hard time shutting up about pizza, probably because it’s delicious and incredible and if you don’t like pizza you’re a bad person and you should feel bad. However, in our rush to point out things like “Pizza with toppings put in the crust” or “Goddamn it Japan you’re doing it wrong” we’ve overlooked one of the most important aspects of pizza’s culinary life—its European beginnings, and America’s impressive ability to adapt it for its own heart-clogging purposes. Pizza as a dish originated in Naples, Italy, much more recently than you would assume—while variations of bread baked with cheese have been around since the ancient Greeks, and Italians were eating some combination of baked bread, cheese, and tomato called “pizza” since the 17th century, the “modern” pizza likely wasn’t invented until 1889, using red tomato, green basil, and white mozzarella so as to cover the pie in the three colors of the Italian flag. It’s basically the same logic that America applied when inventing red, white, and blue jello shots.
Despite being such a famously “Italian” food staple, America wasn’t particularly far behind the curve in the pizza department. The first American pizza establishment opened up in the Little Italy neighborhood of New York by 1905. Once pizza reached our shores, we went to work on perfecting it, and we’ve since gone on to develop countless regional forms of the dish, some of them barely resembling the original Italian creation. Usually that’s for the best. Sometimes, not so much.
But we are a land of experimentation, and we’re here to embrace that quality, so join us for the first part of a two part pizza spectacular where we show you the best and worst of America’s regional pizzas, starting with the best because we know you’re hungry right now and we do so love to torture you.
The Five Best Regional Pizzas In America
Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged Al Forno, America, Apizza, Chicago, Chicago style-pizza, Detroit, Detroit-Style Pizza, Grilled Pizza, Italy, Naples, New Haven, New Haven-Style Pizza, New York, New York-Style Pizza, pizza, Providence, Providence-Style Grilled Pizza, Robocop
“What smells like burning cat hair? Wait, where did this candle come from? OH GOD WHERE’S MITTENS!?”
~That neighbor who keeps telling you “not to pile your empty liquor bottles in the hallway”
We at AFFotD are not above making a quick buck or two. Listen, if the economy was run on whiskey and pork bellies like the good old days, we’d be fine. But apparently freshly slaughtered pig meat in a burlap sack dripping blood won’t pay the rent. Seriously, we tried and now we’re not allowed within a hundred feet of our landlord’s house.
Anyway, this quest for “money” has taken us to many strange places (mainly, Cuban organ harvesting compounds) but most recent (and, surprisingly, most legal) one being our foray into candle making. Now, our knowledge of candles pretty much mirrors our knowledge of France. We don’t know much about them, but what we do know makes us what to set them on fire.
Well, our first candles didn’t sell as well as we wanted, but because this is America, we figured, why not take a concept that didn’t work the first time around, and just try it again with slightly less effort?
So fuck it. Buy our candles. They’re made of wax and shit.
AFFotD Brand America Candles: Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!
~Um, just the motherfucking Robocop
Many classic characters have been created for art and film. There’s Hamlet, Sherlock Holmes, that one dude in The Wire that wasn’t Omar but had the bow tie, all of these characters are memorable parts of our culture’s collective memory.
Come to think of it, Omar might be a slightly more memorable character.
So given this absolutely complete list of popular characters of film, stage, and (ugh) literature, what do they have in common? Passion? Eloquence? An enviable fashion sense? Well, none of them hold a candle to the figure of today’s AFFotD, who is of course…
The Motherfucking Robocop.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Blue-Tac, ER, Face-Off, Hamlet, John Travolta, Nicholas Cage, omar, Reaper, Rip Thorn, Robocop, Robocop on a Jetpack, Sherlock Holmes, That 70's Show, The Matrix, The West Wing, The Wire