“What smells like burning cat hair? Wait, where did this candle come from? OH GOD WHERE’S MITTENS!?”
~That neighbor who keeps telling you “not to pile your empty liquor bottles in the hallway”
We at AFFotD are not above making a quick buck or two. Listen, if the economy was run on whiskey and pork bellies like the good old days, we’d be fine. But apparently freshly slaughtered pig meat in a burlap sack dripping blood won’t pay the rent. Seriously, we tried and now we’re not allowed within a hundred feet of our landlord’s house.
Anyway, this quest for “money” has taken us to many strange places (mainly, Cuban organ harvesting compounds) but most recent (and, surprisingly, most legal) one being our foray into candle making. Now, our knowledge of candles pretty much mirrors our knowledge of France. We don’t know much about them, but what we do know makes us what to set them on fire.
Well, our first candles didn’t sell as well as we wanted, but because this is America, we figured, why not take a concept that didn’t work the first time around, and just try it again with slightly less effort?
So fuck it. Buy our candles. They’re made of wax and shit.
AFFotD Brand America Candles: Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!
“I like my candles like I like my women. On fire.”
~Jesus Christ, that took a fuckin’ TURN
Ever since America karate chopped darkness with the invention of the light bulb, candles have been relegated from “essential light source/ occasional house fire starter” to “novelty scented items to help get you laid, or to mask the odor of particularly skunky weed.” Usually they try to make your room smell like lavender or lilac or whatever the fuck purple is supposed to smell like. To say that most candles cater to the specific demographic of “women, and the men who are trying to sleep with them” would be like saying that bullets are primarily marketed towards gun owners.
But lately, entrepreneurs have tried to capitalize on an untapped market of American men who want their rooms to smell like various manly, American things. That’s why you get to see a 13-year-old selling candles that smell like bacon, new mitt, and grandpa’s pipe, or Yankee Candle releasing candles that smell like “First Down” and “2×4.”
America Fun Fact of the Day salutes these ventures, and just like the American inventor of the aforementioned light bulb, we see it as our divine duty to take this idea that other people have worked tirelessly on, tweak it a little, and declare it our own. So here goes our latest business venture.
For Sale: AFFotD Brand American Scented Candles