“If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.”
Every summer American childhood memory revolves around delicious treats that cool you down while giving you a hell of a sugar rush. “You scream, I scream, we all scream for…” we all would shout in our formative years to have it interrupted by our father’s saying, “Shut up with your damn singing and get your father another fucking beer. Oh Jesus, you’re crying again? Man the fuck up, here, take this five dollar bill and get something from the ice cream truck, maybe that’ll get you out of my goddamn hair for one fucking minute.” Ah, memories.
Here’s a fun test for you Americans at reading at home (or at work ) (or while pooping, whatever, we don’t judge). Go to ten strangers and ask if they like ice cream. You will probably get six people saying, “Um, yeah?” three people saying, “Who the fuck are you” and one person who goes, “No I do not like ice cream.” Well congratulations, you’ve found the parasite, the host is dead, there’s nothing for you to do but to set him on fire and contain the pathogen. So, 9 out of 9 Americans love ice cream, meaning that ice cream is infallible, much like pizza or Oreos.
Oh what’s that? You clicked the above links and saw that it lead to gross examples of those aforementioned delicious treats? Oh, you didn’t click on them because that seemed time consuming and you’re just skimming through this anyway? Shut up, just, okay? Just pretend you did. Anyway, we’re going to talk about Americans that fuck up ice cream.
America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, basil, Baskin-Robbin, bone marrow, Cheese, Durian, garlic, gross flavors, gross ice cream, Ice Cream, Ice Cream Flavors, lobster, lox, popcorn, potato, sauerkraut, vanilla ice cream
“Yes, this burger is pretty tasty, but what it really needs is someone to shave flakes of yellow rock on it to make it obnoxiously expensive.”
For a species that used to feed itself by throwing pointy sticks at charging animals and playing a constant game of “will this berry make me puke until I die” we sure do spend a lot of our efforts making food as fancy as possible. Normally, that’s not a bad thing, it’s led to fascinating and delicious culinary experiences for those daring individuals with a worldly palate who are willing to try anything and everything at least once. It’s what drives America to create burgers like these, and why gummy bear bratwursts are a thing that you can actually buy. However, it also can lead to pretentious food additions that only exist to as a way for people with more disposable income than shame to spend ungodly sums of money on future-poop just to show they can.
The most obnoxious development in culinary excess doesn’t involve molecular gastronomy, expensive “trendy” gimmicks, or even kale. No, the worst thing to happen to haute cuisine is gold. Tasteless flakes of gold added to your food so your small intestine can digest the daily wage of the person whose job it was to mine the precious metal that you so callously shucked into your oral cavity. While certain societies used to eat gold in the past, this was because we had reached the level of scientific enlightenment of “assuming eating gold would restore your youth” which of course is to say, we weren’t all that bright.
The most affordable and least obnoxious addition of gold to our stomachs of course comes in the form of booze (most notably, Goldschläger). Goldschläger, better known as “gold-flecked cinnamon frat juice,” and similar liquors initially put gold flakes into booze for medicinal reasons because, again, it was the 1600s, let’s give everyone a break. Now, the gold remains as a gimmick, but when the total amount of gold involved in a bottle of booze ends up being about half a dollar worth of the stuff and ends up finding its way into a shot called “Liquid Cocaine” we doubt anyone drinking Goldschläger is putting on any airs.
The same can’t be said for these following dishes, some of which cost more than your monthly rent, and all of whom are ordered by people who deserve to be immediately punched in the face by their waiter. So let’s dive in.
Five Ordinary Foods Made Needlessly Expensive With Edible Gold
Posted in America's Culinary Treats, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Berco’s Popcorn, billion dollar popcorn, burgers, Charlie Bingham, chocolate sundae, cupcakes, edible gold, Edible Gold Covering food, fast food restaurants, garrett popcorn, gold, gold added to food, Gold Covered, gold milkshake, gold-covered burgers, gold-covered cupcakes, golden popcorn, Goldschläger, Hamburgers, James Belushi, la recherche du temps perdu, Milkshake, popcorn, TV Dinner, velvet goldmine