“Wait, I don’t understand. It’s alcohol that I DON’T want inside me?”
~A Confused Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
In the past, we’ve written a fair amount on strange and disgusting vodkas as proof that not all American innovations in letting 17-year-olds get drunk on things that don’t taste like burning necessarily are winners. But those are just vodkas with gross flavors. A neutral spirit, flavored to taste like bubble gum or cactus or whatever the fuck isn’t nearly as novel as it was maybe eight years ago. Now, that shit’s everywhere, and you don’t even blink at seeing fruit loops flavored vodka.
The perverse flavoring of other types of liquor, however, is uncharted territory. And, considering how long we’ve had to figure out what kinds of liquor actually taste good (there’s a reason why soju is the largest selling alcohol in the world, but we have enough sense to make it next to impossible to find because soju is garbage) it’s probably not too surprising that in our quest to find new liquor ideas, we’ve stumbled across some terrifying misses.
These are those misses.
The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange Alcohol
Tagged America, Bols Natural Toghurt Liquer, Douglas Fir Eu de Vie, gross flavors, Karate Cowboy, Liquor, Malibu Red, Malort, tequila, Tequila Rose
“Why are we still doing this?”
~AFFotD’s Candy Taste Testers
A few weeks ago, we talked about marshmallow Peeps. Specifically, the fact that marshmallow Peeps, which exist only to taste like sugar coated with more sugar, with the added benefit of being able to bite the head of a cute inanimate object, puzzlingly comes in a variety of flavors, most of which are horrible. The formula for the Peep is basic—pump enough sweetness into a marshmallow as you can without it technically becoming a hate crime, drop it in some children’s Easter baskets, and laugh as you watch their parents hopefully try to control them. Trying to make Peeps taste like anything else is just showing off.
Well actually, it’d be showing off if they were actually good at picking flavors. Which they are not. So, they’re showing off in the way you’re showing off if you try to do a backflip and land on your fucking neck. Anyway, here are some more mistakes made by the Just Born company, makers of marshmallow Peeps.
More of the Grossest Marshmallow Peeps Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Blue Raspberry, Blue Raspberry Peeps, gross flavors, Lime Peeps, Marshmallow, Marshmallow Peeps, Mystery Peeps, Orange Peeps, Party cake Peeps, Peeps, Red Velvet Peeps
“I said put down the Peeps, for God’s sake!”
There are three kinds of people in America. Children, people who still love Peeps because they remember their childhood fondly, and people who think Peeps are way too sweet for their taste and/or are diabetic and don’t want to fall into another Easter coma. But no matter what category you fall into, it’s important to remember that there is no ego to the marshmallow Peep—if you went up to someone obsessive with Peeps and said, “I think Peeps are gross, the texture is weird and they’re too sweet” they’d probably just shrug and go, “Yeah, I can see that. I like them, though.”
That’s because the question of if you like Peeps or not depends on if you like mainlining sugar into your system until the world starts to vibrate around you, with a secondary question of if you like your world-altering sucrose delivery system to be soft and fluffy, or left out a few days so it’s a bit stale in a weirdly appealing way. Either way, when you think of Peeps, you think of mutilated faux-chickens that all taste the same no matter what color they come in. And you would be wrong.
Strangely, not only are there flavors of Peeps other than “Impossibly Sweet,” there are over a dozen, and just about every single one seems like a horrible idea. Like, a two-article–spanning amount of badness. This is what happens when you mess with perfection, people. Or, like, just try to add weird flavors to things that don’t need any more flavor.
The Grossest Marshmallow Peeps Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Candy Corn Peeps, Caramel Apple Peeps, gross flavors, Halloween Peeps, Marshmallow, marshmallow Peep, Marshmallow Peeps, Peeps, pumpkin spice peeps, Sour Watermelon Peeps, sweet lemonade peeps
“If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.”
Every summer American childhood memory revolves around delicious treats that cool you down while giving you a hell of a sugar rush. “You scream, I scream, we all scream for…” we all would shout in our formative years to have it interrupted by our father’s saying, “Shut up with your damn singing and get your father another fucking beer. Oh Jesus, you’re crying again? Man the fuck up, here, take this five dollar bill and get something from the ice cream truck, maybe that’ll get you out of my goddamn hair for one fucking minute.” Ah, memories.
Here’s a fun test for you Americans at reading at home (or at work ) (or while pooping, whatever, we don’t judge). Go to ten strangers and ask if they like ice cream. You will probably get six people saying, “Um, yeah?” three people saying, “Who the fuck are you” and one person who goes, “No I do not like ice cream.” Well congratulations, you’ve found the parasite, the host is dead, there’s nothing for you to do but to set him on fire and contain the pathogen. So, 9 out of 9 Americans love ice cream, meaning that ice cream is infallible, much like pizza or Oreos.
Oh what’s that? You clicked the above links and saw that it lead to gross examples of those aforementioned delicious treats? Oh, you didn’t click on them because that seemed time consuming and you’re just skimming through this anyway? Shut up, just, okay? Just pretend you did. Anyway, we’re going to talk about Americans that fuck up ice cream.
America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, basil, Baskin-Robbin, bone marrow, Cheese, Durian, garlic, gross flavors, gross ice cream, Ice Cream, Ice Cream Flavors, lobster, lox, popcorn, potato, sauerkraut, vanilla ice cream