“I Scream, you scream, we all scream, NO. NO, STOP IT. STOP IT JAPAN. JUST, NO!”
One of our longest running segments on this site has been “Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong,” where we look at classic American products and foods that Japan has gone, well, batshit insane with. Not to break the fourth wall or let you in on our writing process here (it involves, just, so much alcohol, and just a hint of xenophobia that’s probably going to age really horribly over the next five years) but we love writing these posts. We get to talk about American foods we love (like Doritos, or Kit Kats), we get to talk about flavors of these things that we love that are so abhorrent and disgusting that we take on a tone of unearned righteous indignation, and finally, we get comments from the kind of people who get really upset when a website whose banner has a grizzly bear holding a shotgun in front of an American Flag talks shit about Japan. We cannot stress enough how much we love it when this happens. People get so mad, and we’re not saying that the only people who feel this way are white men who have visited Japan and “got into the culture a bit too much” ifyouknowwhatwe’resaying, but we’re totally saying that.
People write fucking novels, and we typically respond with a shrug.
Our favorite part of this is the “well, I’ve only been to Japan for three weeks, BUT!”
So yes, this is us basically fucking daring you guys to get offended at this segment, which might defeat the purpose, but that’s beside the point. We’re going to talk about how Japan fucks up ice cream, and oh God, do they know how to fuck up ice cream.
Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japanese Ice Cream Flavors
Posted in Japan
Tagged America, cream of corn soup, cream of corn soup ice cream, Goddamn It Japan You're Doing it Wrong, gross ice cream, Horse Meat, horse meat ice cream, Ice Cream, ice cream maker, Japan, jelly fish ice cream, Jellyfish, Scream, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Ice Cream, squid ink ice cream, vanilla ice cream, vegetable ice cream, wait soup ice cream?, We All Die Alone
“If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.”
Every summer American childhood memory revolves around delicious treats that cool you down while giving you a hell of a sugar rush. “You scream, I scream, we all scream for…” we all would shout in our formative years to have it interrupted by our father’s saying, “Shut up with your damn singing and get your father another fucking beer. Oh Jesus, you’re crying again? Man the fuck up, here, take this five dollar bill and get something from the ice cream truck, maybe that’ll get you out of my goddamn hair for one fucking minute.” Ah, memories.
Here’s a fun test for you Americans at reading at home (or at work ) (or while pooping, whatever, we don’t judge). Go to ten strangers and ask if they like ice cream. You will probably get six people saying, “Um, yeah?” three people saying, “Who the fuck are you” and one person who goes, “No I do not like ice cream.” Well congratulations, you’ve found the parasite, the host is dead, there’s nothing for you to do but to set him on fire and contain the pathogen. So, 9 out of 9 Americans love ice cream, meaning that ice cream is infallible, much like pizza or Oreos.
Oh what’s that? You clicked the above links and saw that it lead to gross examples of those aforementioned delicious treats? Oh, you didn’t click on them because that seemed time consuming and you’re just skimming through this anyway? Shut up, just, okay? Just pretend you did. Anyway, we’re going to talk about Americans that fuck up ice cream.
America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, basil, Baskin-Robbin, bone marrow, Cheese, Durian, garlic, gross flavors, gross ice cream, Ice Cream, Ice Cream Flavors, lobster, lox, popcorn, potato, sauerkraut, vanilla ice cream
“I’m honestly not sure if this is an ice cream headache or a hangover.”
~Americans currently pressing their tongues to the roofs of their mouths
Summer has officially come to an end, and as the hot, disgustingly sweaty nights of August brace to be replaced by the dreary, drinking-bourbon-alone-in-your-studio-apartment subzero evenings of February, we at AFFotD like to look back and think about all the products we could have told you about to make your summer better, but waited until the week where you finally reached below-freezing temperatures to tell you about them.
Basically, a lot of people have found a way to turn beer into a refreshing summer treat. And now you’ll have to wait a year until you get to enjoy them. Send all hate mail to the email address listed on the right. Come at us, bro.
Five Delicious Frozen Beer Treats For The Summer (Posted In The Fall)
Posted in Beer!
Tagged America, Beer, Beer Ice Cream, Beer Milkshake, beer popsicle, beer snow cones, Budweiser 55, Cannery Row, Fall, frozen beer foam, Frozen Pints, Ice Cream, John Steinbeck, Kirin Ichiban, Los Angeles Dodgers, Milkshake, popsicle, Red Robin, snow cones, summer
“You scream, I scream, we all scream, for a higher BAC!”
What’s one of the primary differences between America and Europe? For those of you who shouted, “Americans shower every once and a while”- nice, that’s as sick burn. But the real distinguishing characteristic is how we drink beer. Americans like their beer cold and their homosexuals flaming, while Europeans like their beer warm and their homosexuals frustratingly androgynous. It’s just a defining characteristic of being American, like being ten years late in backing up Liberal social causes and overestimating the appeal of professional sports in the state of Florida.
Oh, yeah, just change it from “Florida” to “Miami,” that’ll totally put butts in the seats.
What we’re trying to say is, the colder the beer, the more we like to drink it. You’re talking about a country that decided to take one of its beers that most resembles water (Coors) and make a special can that tells you when it’s cold enough to drink. And America liked that idea so much that they decided to go even further and make it so that the can will tell you when it’s really cold. We like our beer cold, and we could care less how it tastes at that point.
We’re honestly not sure if this label is trying to insult us or not.
Of course, there’s a certain point where beer is too cold. Like when it solidifies. We wouldn’t dare want that to happen…
Or would we?
Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats: America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass