Five Delicious Frozen Beer Treats For The Summer (Posted In The Fall)

“I’m honestly not sure if this is an ice cream headache or a hangover.”

~Americans currently pressing their tongues to the roofs of their mouths

Summer has officially come to an end, and as the hot, disgustingly sweaty nights of August brace to be replaced by the dreary, drinking-bourbon-alone-in-your-studio-apartment subzero evenings of February, we at AFFotD like to look back and think about all the products we could have told you about to make your summer better, but waited until the week where you finally reached below-freezing temperatures to tell you about them.

Basically, a lot of people have found a way to turn beer into a refreshing summer treat.  And now you’ll have to wait a year until you get to enjoy them.  Send all hate mail to the email address listed on the right.  Come at us, bro.

Five Delicious Frozen Beer Treats For The Summer (Posted In The Fall)

One thing that separates us from animals and Europeans is that we will absolutely not stand for a warm beer.  One of the oldest and proudest traditions of American social gatherings dictates that if you ever throw a party without a cooler and an appropriate amount of ice, all your possessions are void, and your guests get to partake in a battle royale to lay claim to your best furniture and appliances.  The fight for the flat screen TV usually ends up going until someone dies.

This appreciation of a nice, cool, refreshing beer had led to some creative ways to beat the heat while still fighting that constant uphill battle against sobriety.  Below are five treats that combine beer and sub-zero temperatures to make you wish it were summer again.

Beer Milkshakes

Back in 1945, John Steinbeck mentioned a beer milkshake in Cannery Row.  At the time, it was practically science fiction to imagine a blended concoction of beer, milk, and ice cream that somehow managed to taste better than prison.  Because, let’s face it, as beautiful as the words “beer” and “milk shake” look together, and as many Kelis references that you can make while drinking it, milk and booze has never had a particularly happy relationship together.  If it weren’t for White Russians, you wouldn’t be able to find cream (let alone milk) in any bar, and no one has ever chugged a bottle of beer, slammed it down, and then declared, “Now get me some milk to wash that sucker down!”  That just doesn’t happen.

Last year, Red Robin decided to make this fiction available to the public with their debut of the Sam Adams Octoberfest milkshake, which was followed this year with a Blue Moon (with Cointreau, orange juice, and soft-serve ice cream) milkshake, because there’s no such thing as too much variety when it comes to desserts that get you drunk.

Beer Ice Cream

Turning beer into ice cream is not actually that uncommon or new.  The only reason why you’re not getting slowly drunk while sobbing and spooning delicious frozen chocolate goodness into your maw and watching Marley & Me while posting passive-aggressive shade tweets at your ex right now is that alcohol and food have different regulations, so anything with more than .5% alcohol has to be treated as booze, and therefore won’t find its way to your grocer’s frozen treats aisle.

Of course, not every ice cream company that uses beer to nuance the flavor of their products (and there are a decent amount that use beer but still fall under the .5% threshold).  The brave souls at Frozen Pints know better than to give themselves such an American name and leave you sober.  While you admittedly will get drunker on regular beer (they range from 1% to 3.1%, which is at least more alcoholic than Bud 55) there’s something to be said about having to show your ID while purchasing ice cream.  That’s pretty much an American dream, at least until our real American dream, no alcohol restrictions for anyone ever again is realized after the revolution.  Of course, it helps that these slightly-intoxicating treasures come in flavors like “Malted Milk Chocolate Stout” and “Honey IPA” and oh Sweet Jesus, Cinnamon Espresso Stout.

We need to move on because now there’s drool on the keyboard.

Beer Snow Cones

Listen, as much as we don’t like the idea of having ice in our beer, a snow cone that gets you drunk has to be at least a little appealing to those of you out there who, you know, would like to get drunk.  Now, there are recipes you can make at home that have you freeze beer and soak them with fruity syrups, but the concept of boozy ice is not foreign to Chicago’s Goose Island brewery, which has previously released snow cones of their Juliet and Lolita beers.

A lighter beer works better for these snow cones since, if you’re going to add fruit flavor, you’d probably want to avoid doing that with, say, a Guinness.  Lagers, Pilsners, or Hefewizens are the ideal beers to use.  The syrup will drown out a lot of the flavor of the beer, and they definitely don’t look like they contain beer, but that’s part of the beauty.  You can get drunk while everyone assumes you’re enjoying a tasty treat, and if your kid accidentally grabs it from your hands and downs it all, you’ll at least get a few hours of rest when he drunkenly has to sleep it off.

(Note, never ask members of the AFFotD staff for parenting advice)

Frozen Beer Foam

We tend to give Japan a lot of shit on this site, mainly because they absolutely deserve it, but this one invention by Japan that made its way to Los Angeles Dodger games actually deserves praise.  Japanese beer company Kirin Ichiban created a machine to ensure that your beer will stay cold the whole time you drink it.  How does it accomplish such a wondrous feat?  Three words—frozen beer foam.

Yes, that’s right.  After pouring you a delicious, cool beer, they take the beverage to a machine and add a soft-served ice-cream-like “foam” to the top of the beer, constantly keeping your beer cold while never watering it down (since the foam just melts into delicious, mind-numbing beer).  While the foam apparently makes it a little difficult to drink the beer particularly fast, we still have to appreciate the ingenuity at play here.  This is basically the beer equivalent of that one time your college roommate made ice cubes OUT OF JUNGLE JUICE for people to put in their jungle juice.  Basically, a game changer.

Beer Popsicle

Yes, it was just a matter of time before we found a way to freeze beer, put it on a stick, and let you get drunk while you seductively lick a phallic object.  And of course we gave it a ridiculous pun name.  Art on Tap in Memphis, Tennessee was able to bring this to existence, blessing America with the Hops-icle (GET IT!?).  Similar to the snow cone, this frozen concoction is a combination of beer with sweet, fruity flavors.  However, they don’t skimp on the alcohol, since each ingredient in the popsicle has the ability to get you drunk.  There’s the Lunar Linen, a mix of Belgian Ale and hard lemonade, and the Angry Bird, which is a mix of lager and hard cider.

These won’t make their way into your freezer any time soon, but it’s just a matter of time before brave entrepreneur swoops in to make this a nationally available product.  And when they do, well, let’s just hope they get rid of the “angry birds” name, since that’s going to be an extinct cultural reference within the next three years.

And also extinct?  Summer for now.  So enjoy waiting nine excruciating months before you can really start to appreciate these delicious treats, America!  You’re welcome!