“Wait, haven’t they posted, like, four beer articles in a row now?”
Yes, we realize that some of you are scrolling down right now and are spotting two beer news article, and one beer-related article that reads a lot like a beer news article, all in a row, but don’t worry about that, we’ll be getting back to mixing in non-beer stories to go with our “This Week in Beer” segments, even if you wouldn’t mind reading nothing but beer facts (sample fact for later articles—did you know that beer is delicious and gets you drunk? Well you do now!)
Of course, part of the reason why it’s so easy to spend all our time writing about beer is that beer always has something newsworthy going on. And this past week was no exception, which is why we’re here to continue our This Week in Beer series with…
This Week in Beer: October 22-October 29
There was a lot of news in the beer world this week, because of course there was. There also was an article about a new beer that came out with a questionably offensive name and the writer uses the term “rape culture” a lot, so we’re going to stay the fuck away from that and focus on happy beer thoughts. Happy, delicious beer.
Man Loses Weight On Beer And Sausage Diet
Recently, a man in Arizona discovered a diet that either only works for him, and either he’s an asshole for teasing us this way, or it has some actual health benefits, in which case God is far more magnanimous than we give him credit for. Strangely named Evo Terro started celebrating Oktoberfest by only consuming beer and sausage for a full month, at which point he noticed he started losing weight during the period, including a 14 pound weight loss last year. Apparently, Terro limits his intake for the month, drinking six beers and eating two sausages as his only caloric intake, which ends up accounting for a relatively low 1,500 calories a day. The approach leaves him “a little hungry, a little buzzed” throughout the day, so it actually does feel like being on a diet, but honestly, if you’re going to going to try to find anything wrong with a diet that tells you to eat sausages and drink beer all day, you don’t deserve to have fun things in your life.
Terro went on Fox News to talk about his diet, which according to his doctor (yes, his doctor supports this diet) burns body fat while lowering cholesterol. He added that he takes vitamins, but primarily stressed that variety was important in the diet, both in terms of styles of sausage as well as drinking various craft beers. And at this point, we would be remiss if we didn’t point out that in his interview with Fox News, he was expressly asked what his poop looks like when he’s on the diet.
Bluejacket Brewery Opening Soon
While some might say that the opening of a random brewery with an attached restaurant in Washington DC might not be exactly “news you can use” we’d respond by saying that anytime a business opens that expressly tries to create new ways to get you drunk, you should embrace them. That’s why we’re pleased to welcome Bluejacket to the nation’s capital, which has been five years in the making, and will open with 20 of their own beers already on tap. The beers will also be available for retail, which means that, assuming the beer’s any good, you might even get to try it yourself somewhere down the road. Unless you live in DC, in which case you’ll probably get wasted there on some random Wednesday, because you live in Washington DC and Washington DC knows how to drink.
Triumph The Insult Comic Visited the Great American Beer Festival
Belgium Brewery Buys American Craft Brewery, No One Complains Because It’s One Of The good Belgium Breweries
When Goose Island, Chicago’s biggest microbrewery, was purchased by Budweiser, attractive, brilliant, drunk Pulitzer Prize winners everywhere correctly bemoaned it as a tragedy. You won’t find nearly as much hand-wringing over the news that Boulevard Brewing Company, one of the premiere craft brewers of Kansas City, Missouri and the 12th-largest craft brewery in America, has been purchased by the Duvel Moortgat Brewery out of Belgium. Now, normally we’d be pissed off to see an American brewery bought out by some dirty, evil foreigners, in this case we’re not going to say anything because, well, Duvel makes one of the best beers in the world.
Apparently, Europe has increasingly taken notice of American craft beers (because for people used to drinking Budweiser as “America’s beer” it’s a pretty welcome shock to their system to realize that America is responsible for the best, most diverse beers in the world) and Duvel plans to use their stake in Boulevard to help introduce high quality beers throughout the world, which honestly is never a bad thing. The drunker the world gets, the more they will embrace America as their boozy Mecca. And we will welcome you, craft-beer-craving drunks of the world, with open arms, and probably a few hiccups.
There Is A New “World’s Strongest Beer”
No, unfortunately it is not American. As we’ve mentioned in the past, America doesn’t really get in the “make beer more alcoholic than whiskey” game, since we’re content to just make whiskey. No, apparently we leave that to Scotland, which probably makes sense since we’re talking about a country whose concept of “whiskey” doesn’t have the letter “E” and is filled with decomposing swamp. So, when a the Scottish brewery Brewmeister, home of the laziest brewery name ever, announced they had set a new world record for “The World’s Strongest Beer” it’s not surprising that the previous record holder was also from Scotland.
Now, the previous holder (Armageddon) was a “no, seriously, this isn’t beer, stop pretending” alcoholic level of 65%. Snake venom (which probably doesn’t contain actual snake venom but we wouldn’t discount the possibility), clocks in at a smooth 67.5% alcohol, which means that it’s legally too alcoholic to be called “bourbon.” Which, holy shit. It’s described as “hoppy, malty, and very pleasant” by the brewery website, which you might notice is also just a generic description of the three primary ingredients of beer, but hey. Semantics. But now we just fear that the beer war can only heighten, until we end up with grain alcohol that somehow can legally be referred to as beer. At which point…well, honestly, we’d still drink it. And love it.
Because, it’s beer. And beer is delicious. Always.