“Listen, we’re not going to interrupt our perfectly drunk barbeque to post some damn article. Have [REDACTED] write about, oh, let’s say, summer cocktails. People love that shit right?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill. It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys. It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you. And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.
That even applies to[REDACTED]. For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him. Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you. He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.
Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines. Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.
Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!