“You scream, I scream, we all scream, for a higher BAC!”
What’s one of the primary differences between America and Europe? For those of you who shouted, “Americans shower every once and a while”- nice, that’s as sick burn. But the real distinguishing characteristic is how we drink beer. Americans like their beer cold and their homosexuals flaming, while Europeans like their beer warm and their homosexuals frustratingly androgynous. It’s just a defining characteristic of being American, like being ten years late in backing up Liberal social causes and overestimating the appeal of professional sports in the state of Florida.
Oh, yeah, just change it from “Florida” to “Miami,” that’ll totally put butts in the seats.
What we’re trying to say is, the colder the beer, the more we like to drink it. You’re talking about a country that decided to take one of its beers that most resembles water (Coors) and make a special can that tells you when it’s cold enough to drink. And America liked that idea so much that they decided to go even further and make it so that the can will tell you when it’s really cold. We like our beer cold, and we could care less how it tastes at that point.
We’re honestly not sure if this label is trying to insult us or not.
Of course, there’s a certain point where beer is too cold. Like when it solidifies. We wouldn’t dare want that to happen…
Or would we?
Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats: America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass
Our story of American enterprise begins in a Washington D.C. restaurant who decided, “Fuck it, let’s put ice cream in our beer” and decided to do so with a revolving menu. A few of you might be thinking, “Eww, beer with ice cream in it? That sounds gross.” Well you have no imagination and we feel sorry for your childhood. Of course, what the restaurant (Thunder Burger and Bar) realizes, and which you should have figured out if you had the proper American “inherent beer knowledge” genome, is that a dark beer, such as a stout or a porter, actually has a thick, at time chocolatey taste that would combine well with vanilla or chocolate ice cream.
If you think about it, this is one of the most beautiful combinations ever invented. We’ve spent a lot of effort trying to find a way to make ice cream alcoholic. Rum Raisin doesn’t have any damn booze in it, and while alcoholic whipped cream is a start, we still have a long way to go before you can dig into a tub of ice cream after your breakup that will both fulfill your chocolate and your getting trashed needs.
And while it’s not like you can just turn beer into ice cream, dumping ice cream in beer sounds like a pretty excellent compromise.
Oh, unless you’re actually turning beer into ice cream.
The Cleveland brewery Great Lakes Brewing Company decided to team up with Mitchell’s Ice Cream to make ice cream that features Great Lakes’ Christmas Ale as an ingredient. Called the “Christmas Ale Ginger Snap,” this ice cream takes residual Christmas Ale leftover from the bottling process, and combines it with ginger snaps and honey. We’re going out on a limb to guess that cream and ice will also be involved in the process, but we admittedly know nothing about how to make ice cream.
Science told us that this couldn’t be done, but leave it to some insane people in Cleveland to figure out a way. Alcoholic ice cream, ladies and gentleman. While it might be a bit hyperbolic to say that this is the dawning of a new era of peace and tranquility, it absolutely is the dawning of a new era of peace and tranquility.
Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to take some alcoholic ice cream, and make a beer float out of it. Because America only does things well when it does things in excess. Rock and roll.