“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”
~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director
We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company. It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker. That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.
Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park. Yes, we know, our heads hurt too. Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.
Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed. So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is. Ready? Here we go!
Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team
Posted in All things baseball, America Fun Fact of the Day, Athletes, Strange America, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Baseball, Corn Dog, dessert fries, Food, Minor League Baseball, Onion Rings, poutine, Strange Food, sundae, West Michigan Whitecaps
“You can’t get butts in the seat without a gimmick!”
As covered a few days ago, baseball and insane hot dogs go together like serial killers and women who send love letters to various prisons who have a lot of issues they need to work out. We should tease out that comparison a little bit more, but we’re not going to. Anyway, the point we think we’re trying to make is that, stadiums like to ply baseball fans with booze and food because while baseball can be boring, if you’re drunk and full, you won’t really mind. This has led to a recent explosion in creative, intense, and, well, insane hot dogs throughout the baseball world. And while we’ve talked about hot dogs in Major League Baseball stadiums already, that was really us going easy on the rest of you. Because Minor League Baseball only sustains itself through the unfulfillable dreams of thousands of minimum wage athletes, and ridiculous ballpark gimmicks. If you think of it, Minor League baseball has probably done it! Smash a printer like in the movie Office Space!? Sure! Dress a dog as the bat boy? Why not! Live amputation on the field? Jesus Christ, no, what the living hell is wrong with you!?
Anyway, if you thought that the last article we had about crazy hot dogs, well…no that was pretty crazy. But check this shit out too!
The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Minor League Edition)
Posted in America's Culinary Treats, American Sausage Series, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, The American Sandwich Series
Tagged America, Baseball, Corpus Christi Hooks, el Baso Chihuahuas, Eugene Emeralds, Hot Dog, hot dogs, Major League Baseball, Memphis Meets Mexico Juarez Dog, Minor League Baseball, MLB, Rochester Red Wings, The Babe, The Seenie Donut Dog, Tony Soprano Dog, VooDoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Brat, Voodoo Doughnuts, Wilmington Blue rocks
“I think my heart attack is having a heart attack.”
~Oh God, Ordering Seconds Was A Horrible Idea
Many foreigners visiting America find themselves surprised at the amount of relatively fit and attractive people they can see on the street. In their mind, the typical American is fat, trudging around in clogs with grease stains on their shirt, probably eating a whole pizza right out of the box while they’re walking to the gun store. Instead, they find that Americans come in all shapes and sizes, and as much as restaurant portions seem larger than they’re used to, and the bread tastes much sweeter than anticipated, America’s culture of excess is largely confined to a very small but visible minority of people and restaurateurs who are fucking insane and are hellbent on cramming as many calories into your maw as is humanly possible before your heart explodes and showers the room with bacon bits like some Lovecraftian horror version of a piñata.
Naturally, our job is to help spread the gospel of this brave minority, these innovators who find ways to put a week’s worth of calories on a plate in front of you, these soldiers of fortune who push us to new limits, pushing our faces down into greasy heaps saying “eat your slop little piggies eat your slop!” And while we do our best to make each meal as unhealthy as possible using a variety of methods, one of the most time-honored and respected approaches involves the creation of hamburgers so excessive and absurd that the mere sight of them is enough to drive nutritionists to commit hara-kiri.
But we’re no amateurs. Sure, we could tell you about people who go to fast food restaurants and construct their own caloric monstrosities, or we could point out various chain restaurants’ burgers that double your daily allotment of fat, but that’s child’s play. If you really want to grab our attention, you’ve got to make something so obscene that even our own staff would have to take pause before diving in. But dive in we shall, because this is America, and we’ve always wondered if heart attacks really are as painful as they make it look on TV.
The Ten Most Caloric Burgers In The World
Posted in America's Culinary Treats, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bacon, Burger, burgers most calories, Diggers diner, England, Fifth Third Burger, Hamburger, Hamburgers, Heart Attack Grill, High caloric burgers, Hwy 55, Judgment Day Burger, Mega Mel, Minor League Baseball, most caloric burgers, over de flame, Pig'n-Chik, Quadruple Bypass Burger, State Champion Burger, the 55 challenge, The Sarge Burger, Titanic, Ulti-Meatum, West Michigan Whitecaps