Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever


~Johnny Roosevelt

Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes.  There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile.  France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say.  But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious.  And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.

This is one of those times.  Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.



Culture War 2:  AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

France, the worst country in the world, is apparently re-releasing The Phantom Menace, the worst Star Wars movie in the world, and so the worst-named fast food chain in France (really guys?  Quick?  Was “Fast Food Location” already taken?) to make the best idea ever.  We don’t even know what’s on them, but no matter what we’re 100% behind it.  Just look at that thing.  There’s not much we can do other than speculate.

It is readily clear that the French support the evil side more than the good guys.  Just look at that picture.  The “Jedi Burger” which we assume is French for “Jedi Burger” is covered in…what looks to be marshmallows, with either blue cheese or tartar sauce on it.  Meanwhile, there’s a burger that looks like Darth Vader!  It’s got like, pepper cheddar cheese and a chipotle mayo and holy shit, doesn’t that look good?

Failing to realize how badass it is to have a burger on a pitch black bun, they’ve also created a Darth Maul burger (also known as- the only good thing in The Phantom Menace).  And even that looks better than the Jedi burger.  So clearly, the French hate the good guys.

That bun looks like it’s red.  Or at least like it should be spicy.  Dammit, all the evil burgers look spicy, and we in America love spicy.  What the hell have you done, France?  How did you accidentally make something so glorious?

But fear not, intrepid  Americans.  Much like you can ruin Fat Tire beer by telling someone it tastes like they dunked a KFC biscuit into a Budweiser, we’ll try to focus on the things France ruined with this promotion to remind you all that, oh right, they are French.

1:  The Damn Frenchies Made The Jedi Burger Look Boring

Don’t get blinded by the awesomeness of a Darth Vader burger.  Yes, it’s awesome.  It’s shiny.  It’s enticing and beautiful.  But it is a façade.  It is the breasts implants on the 25 year old woman who has been married three times to rich men who mysteriously had heart attacks on their honeymoon.  Do not let their glory blind you from the truth!

Why would you make a Jedi burger look so unappealing?  Seriously, it’s Jedis.  Every child (or rather, all of the boy children and a fair share of girls) wanted to be a Jedi when they were growing up.  Every damn one!  You can move shit with your mind and trick stupid people, it’s like being a telekinetic lawyer without the prerequisite of being a douche.  So why would you make a burger that looks…so boring?  Incorporate lightsabers in there or something, dammit, you’re doing it wrong, France!

2:  They Don’t Know How To Spell “Darth Vader”

Really, France?  The “Dark Vador” burger?  Thanks for doing that, if you named it right we’d have to look at you with respect, instead of being constantly reminded how much of a shitty country you are.

3:  Seriously?  Darth Maul Gets A Burger?

What’s next, the Qui-Gon Jinn burger?  Sure, we just spent a bit talking about how good that burger looked, but we’re Americans, we’re allowed to flip flop, especially when it gives us a chance to dig at the French.

4:  It’s only available until March

Listen, we do the McRib for “a limited time only”…but we bring it back year after year.  If we had a Darth Vader burger, we’d be rolling that shit out every damn January.  We’re sure George Lucas wouldn’t mind the extra royalty money so he can finally finish the repairs to his body’s mainframe.

So take solace, America.  While on the surface it looks like the French did something, well, wonderful, you can at least rest peacefully knowing that America would still be able to do it better when we inevitably steal the idea.


One response to “Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

  1. Pingback: The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World | affotd

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