Tim Tebow Walks With God (And does a mean Auguste Rodin impression)

“Tim Tebow walks with God.”

~This fucker

 

We here at AFFotD try to stay topical, but it’s often a losing battle.  Sure every once and a while we can touch on Charlie Sheen or Osama Bin Laden, but mostly we focus on events that don’t have a particular timeline to them.  Everyone knows that whiskey is delicious, and the fact that Ulysses S. Grant was immune to bullets while inebriated doesn’t magically become “not fact” weeks or months down the line.  Our articles are a lot like Twinkies- if you knew what went into them it’d haunt your nightmares forever, but at least you know it’ll never go stale.

Not so with this article.  If most of our entries are Twinkies, this one is like, a tub of ice cream being left open in the sun.  If that tub of ice cream was really religious and the sun for some reason let it throw touchdown passes despite being a terrible Quarterback.  That metaphor didn’t really work, but if we’ve learned anything from the events of the NFL playoffs this past weekend, it’s that talent isn’t a requisite for winning. Looks like Charlie Sheen was right after all.  TEBOW TIME!

Tim Tebow Walks With God (And does a mean Auguste Rodin impression)

 Timothy Richard Tebow was born on August 14, 1987 and everyone over the age of 24 right now just gulped and went, “Ugh, seriously?”  He was born to Christian Baptist missionaries.  He was raised in a very Christian, religious household that homeschooled him and forbade him from watching the proper mechanics of the forward pass.  Tim Tebow’s success has led to a boon in homeschooling, which totally makes sense.  If one homeschooled child can make the NFL, that must mean that thousands of other homeschooled children end up as socially stunted weird adults who have parental dependency issues.  We think certain doctors took that same logic in the 1800s when they started trying to treat cancer with Syphilis.

Tim Tebow broke into the national spotlight as a world class running back in high school and…wait, sorry, what?  What’s that?  He…he’s always been a Quarterback?  No, that can’t be right.  Really?  No, seriously, but what about that whole “can’t throw a normal looking pass” thing?  Huh, okay.  We’ll take your word for it.

Tim Tebow of course is best known for his unusual run in the 2011 NFL season.  Leading the struggling Broncos to 6 straight highly improbable victories.  He’s also well known for the fact that he talks about God more often than that kid you know who has religiously themed Tourettes.

He is one of the more divisive figures in America at this moment.  The reasons why people hate him (his religious stances make some uncomfortable, it’s a pain in the ass for your GM when your starting running back insists he play the quarterback position) are just as valid as the reasons why he is adored (he seems earnest and innocent, it’s really hilarious to watch him attempt a forward pass, even casual fans can make a joke along the lines of “Wow, Tim Tebow ran an option?  That came out of left field!”).

And honestly, we don’t have anything to input into this discussion.  This is part of the reason why we never try to write anything topical, it just tends to come out sloppy.  But no worries, we’ll try to salvage ourselves with a listing of actually-true fun facts about Timothy Richard Tebow, NFL Playoff game winning Quarterback.

  • Tim Tebow may have been walking with God when he threw that 80 yard touchdown pass to defeat the Steelers in overtime last Sunday.  But he was also walking with his accountant, as that win alone earned him a $250,000 bonus.
  • Tim Tebow may walk with God, but he can’t walk in the White House.  Even though his parents are American, he was born in the Philippines, meaning he can never hold the office of President.
  • The NCAA banned messaged on eyepaint in 2010, mainly because Tebow would write different bible verses on the paint.
  • Marvel made a short comic with Tim Tebow as a superhero, and now everyone who is above the age of 24 is really ticked off.
  • During the NFL Combine, at one point Tebow asked his fellow players if he could lead them all to prayer.  One Combine member shouted in response (this actually happened), “Man, shut the FUCK up.”
  • Despite his religious upbringing, and his self-professed virginity, Tim Tebow does enjoy occasionally hitting transients with his car and driving off before the police can arrive.
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