AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

“Merry Christmas, here’s an iTunes gift card that still has like seven bucks left on it, and a bunch of scratch off tickets. By the way, if any of those lotto numbers hit, I get 50% of the winnings, that’s the law.”

~Your Stepdad

We were about to post an article about drunk presidents because, you know, that’s how we do, when we had the sudden realization that Christmas is only five days away. And like many of you reading this who love America but also whiskey but also maybe whiskey just a bit too much, this might come as shocking news, as you have not started your Christmas shopping yet. It’s okay, you’re not alone, but if you’re going to be lazy about when you go out to get gifts, you probably can’t get away with being lazy and just buying a bunch of gift cards.

That is why we’ve decided to bring up a few of the more popular gifts being given this Christmas to let you know if it’s a viable gift for that special person in your life.  Consider this our Christmas gift to you.  Because, um, otherwise, we didn’t get you anything yet.  We kind of waited till the last minute, and assumed this would be enough?

AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

There’s a sort of delicate balance between art and science when it comes to giving someone the right gift.  You have to follow trends and keep track of what new products have been made available this year, while also internalizing the likes and dislikes of the gift’s recipient.  Throughout the whole year you try to catch one-off lines like, “Oh I could use a new sweater” or “if anyone buys me the new Taylor Swift album I will stab them in the heart, if I wanted an album of white-people clapping back I’d get the soundtrack to STOMP” and you take those little hints and clues and build a meticulous Christmas gift list out of them.

But you did not do that.  No, your office Holiday party was like, three weeks ago for some reason, and you assumed that your holiday responsibilities ended the moment you got home that night having not puked on your boss’s wife.  So for you, the panicked gift scrambler who can at least be thankful that there’s a weekend right before the holiday this year, here are the perfect gifts for those people in your life that matter.

For the Tech-Lover (Who is Insufferable About That Kind of Shit)

The iPhone X ($999-$1,499)

We all have that friend or loved one who has to have the latest and most cutting-edge technology out there.  They’re the ones who have fill their home with home assistants and smartplugs and a smart fridge, which is apparently a thing, and if they don’t have the latest smartphone they will literally* die.

*for some reason these people know everything about tech trends but nothing about how to use the word “literally”

For them, there is the iPhone X, which you absolutely should not get them.  First of all, look at that price!  Jesus Christ, Apple, you’re acting like your phone shits gold flakes.  It doesn’t.  It’s big selling point is “have you ever wondered what it would look like if you were a cartoon panda?”  But also, if someone was really desperate to have the newest iPhone, they waited in line to get it the day it came out, and hopefully you gave them so much shit that they’re the kind of people to wait in line to give a company a thousand dollars.

So yeah, this is technically a possible Christmas gift, but, um, don’t get it.

For the Small Person in Your Life, Like, They are Small and Also Genetically Similar to You, Oh Right, the Word We’re Looking For is “Your Kids Under the Age of 13”

Cozmo ($179.99)

While the Anki Cozmo came out last year, it’s still poised to be a top-seller for this year’s Christmas season.  It’s a small little robot (don’t let that picture fool you, it’s like, two inches tall) but its main draw is that it’s basically WALL-E.  Like, it learns and adapts the longer you have it, which makes it both an adorable and fun (but, yikes, expensive) gift for your resident small person as well as a horrifying harbinger of the eventual machine takeover.  Our hubris will doom our species!  Yay!  Make it say “Eeeevvvveee-ahhhh!”

For Your Teenage Kid Who Will Be Disappointed by Your Gift Despite You Constantly Saying, “No, But Like, Trust Me, This is Soooo Cool”

Super Nintendo Classic ($79.99)

This seems like such a cool idea for you, the person who grew up when Super Nintendo was a thing.  Like, you remember playing Zelda, and Super Mario World, and for some reason our Editor-in-Chief demands we shout out something called a Kirby’s Dream Course here [editor’s note: you’re goddamn right, that game was fire], and those games are still just as fun as you remember them.  But, um, have you ever played a Super Nintendo game on an HD TV?  It is comical.  It looks like someone mistook a walk through of Minecraft for porn and scrambled it.  You, a fan of nostalgia, will play this more than your teenage son or daughter, guaranteed.  You can try to gussy it up all you want, but at the end of the day they asked for an XBox One and you gave them a retro gaming system from the 90s.

For Your Teenage Kid Who Lives in a Fantasy World Where This Isn’t Sold Out at Every Store Already

Nintendo Switch ($299)

“Oh what’s that, Aiden?  You want a Nintendo Switch for Christmas?  You want the ability to play the same game both on the TV and on a handheld system?  Well you know what I’d want?  I want a million dollars and for your mother to look like Cindy Crawford when that was a viable cultural reference I could make.  Oh and if it could start raining Pappy Van Winkle 23 year the moment I step outside from my soul crushing job, that would be great as well.  What do you think, son?  Think we can get all of that to happen?  Fucking Switch, I’ll manage to find a store that still has a Switch right around the time CNN finds MH370 on an abandoned island with D.B. Cooper.”

For That Someone in Your Life Who Cooks Your Meals, or Your Close Foodie Friend Who is About to Become Insufferable

Instant Pot ($99.95)

The Instant Pot has taken the home-culinary world by storm this year.  It combines an electric pressure cooker, a slow cooker, a rice cooker, and a yogurt maker for some fucking reason in a way that you can pretty much cook anything with it.  They advertise that you can cook 2-6 times faster, using up 70% less energy, and the people that like it really like it.  No, like, really like it.  Like, “maybe lessen up on liking it so much” like it.

It’s a great gift for anyone who likes cooking.  The only real downside, which is admittedly a pretty big one, is that once you give an Instant Pot to someone, they will never shut up about it.  Ever.  Like, seriously, you’ll be shouting at them to use a thesaurus so they can stop talking about how “obsessed” they are over and over and over again.

For the Kids You Have to Buy Presents For But Like, You Don’t Have Kids of Your Own, These are Someone Else’s Kids and You’re Wondering What the Hell do Kids Want, Do You Just Give Them Candy or Like is That a Creepy Uncle Move?

Hatchimals ($10 for a 4 pack)

This seems like a thing kids seem to like these days?  And it’s like, ten bucks, so even if it’s a dud you didn’t really waste too much money or effort on it, you know?  Maybe next year you’ll just give them money, kids like money right?

For the Drinker in Your Life Who Likes Their Drinks to Look Fancy

True Cubes ($45)

This might seem expensive for a tray that makes just 4 ice cubes at a time (oh, and it is) but True Cubes end up making perfectly clear, giant ice cubes like you’d find in that fancy speakeasy cocktail place you go to that would be pretentious and douchey if their bourbon selection wasn’t so great.  Like, you know those giant, perfect ice cubes?  The ones that look like they were carved from a glacier and flown down just to make your drink look classy as fuck?  Well, this makes those, at home, and if you have a friend who enjoys a good homemade old fashioned or a scotch on the rocks, it’s a perfect gift for them.

Granted, according to their website, these won’t ship out till January, but these are cool enough to warrant the IOU.

For the Person in Your Family Who You Don’t Really Talk to That Much or Know About Their Interests, But You Figure This At Least Looks Like You Put in the Effort

Wireless Earbuds (We Don’t Know, Like, One of the Cheaper $20 Ones Should Be Fine Right?)

Like, you…listen to stuff, right?  Wires are a pain, man, you said it, man.  Anyway, enjoy, they’re made by Skullcandy.

For the American in Your Life You Truly Care About

Booze (Doesn’t Matter How Much, it’s All Good)

Now, it should be whiskey, and it really really should be bourbon, but an easy and foolproof gift is always a delicious bottle of alcohol.  It’s practical, it’s delicious, and it’s really the gift that keeps on giving (you a hangover).

Of course, at the end of the day, it’s the thought that counts.  Even if you waited this long, the fact that you care enough about someone to go out of your way to show that appreciation in gift form is all anyone really needs.  But really, what they want is bourbon.

Have a Merry (drunk) Christmas, everybody!