Tag Archives: Drunk Presidents

America’s Drunkest Presidents: Martin Van Buren

“If you’re asking if I’d rather be president or not get drunk I think you damn well know the answer to that.”

~Martin Van Buren

martin van buren

All presidents drink…well, okay, except for the last two Republican presidents we’ve had, which, like, that’s a really weird random thing, right?  Like, “the last two teetotaler presidents we’ve had were Donald Trump and George W. Bush, that’s a weird fact.”  But anyway, before we invite all the Pepes of the internet into our comments section, let’s just talk about how most presidents like to get drunk every now and then, and some of them are spectacular at it.  We’ve already told you about George Washington (just, top notch president, and impressive drinker) and James Buchanan (like, he was to the United States Presidency what a trenchcoat full of cottonmouth snakes would be to the Au Pair in America, but he was also a superhuman drinker.  Hmm maybe those two were related.)

But that brings us to our next drunk president, Martin Van Buren, who was… okay well, also a shitty president, but he was a shitty president that could drink, and apparently viewed personal grooming the way an “already drunk at 6 in the morning, or maybe still drunk from last night at 6 in the morning” kind of person would.  Seriously, look at that picture at the top of this article.  Like, dude, there are like three pictures of you in existence, you couldn’t find anyone who had a fucking comb?

But anyway, this is not the space for us to make fun of Martin Van Buren’s hairstyle (but look forward to our article “The 5 Presidents With The Worst Haircuts in American History” which, like, we actually have in the can) but rather to talk about his impressive ability to just, drink and get shitty.  And here we go!

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  Martin Van Buren

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: James Buchanan

“Hangover?  I hardly even KNOW her!  Ha ha ha, oh, I’m an awful president.”

~James Buchanan  

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The founding entry of our new segment entitled “America’s Drunkest Presidents” was about George Washington, our founding father.   We basically took one of our greatest presidents in history, and talked about how was also one of the greatest drinking president in history, because we are legally obligated to talk up George Washington and ignore some of that not-so-cooloh-shit-don’t-click-these-links stuff.  That said, he was an impressive drinker, which we’re super thankful for since the idea of a teetotaler as our badass founding General is too much for us to take.  However, even though it worked out that way the first time, this segment is not called “America’s Best Drunk Presidents.”  It is just “America’s Drunkest Presidents.”

We want to make that clarification before we go ahead and tell you about arguably the best drinking president we’ve ever had.  But as good as he was at drinking (and, you’ll see, he was super good at it) he was pretty much the polar opposite at presidenting (just, so bad, you guys.)

So let’s talk about James Buchanan, the very drunk, but no good, 17th president of the United States.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  James Buchanan

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: George Washington

“Listen, it’s the 18th century, you’d drink to chase the boredom too.”

~George Washington

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America loves drinking so much that a bunch of people set us aside and said, “America, we think you may have a problem,” and actively banned the entire nation from drinking booze.  And our response to that was to say, “In the entire history of our nation, we have never repealed an amendment.  Until now, GIVE US BACK OUR BOOZE YOU ASSHATS.”  That’s history to be proud of, and it’s no surprise that many of the greatest figures behind this, the greatest country in the world, are also some of history’s greatest drinkers.

That is why it is our duty, and frankly our pleasure, to introduce the latest running series to America Fun Fact of the Day.  Welcome to America’s Drunkest Presidents, where we look at the drinking habits of our greatest presidents and tell you which ones were the drunkest.  This is important work we’re doing here.  This is God’s work.  One nation under God.  One nation under drunk.  Like, like the, you know.  Like the Pledge of Allegiance?  Only,   Okay, cards on the table, we’re pretty soused right now.

Let’s start with our first president, who spent more money on booze in a year than most people do in a decade.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  George Washington

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