“If you’re asking if I’d rather be president or not get drunk I think you damn well know the answer to that.”
~Martin Van Buren
All presidents drink…well, okay, except for the last two Republican presidents we’ve had, which, like, that’s a really weird random thing, right? Like, “the last two teetotaler presidents we’ve had were Donald Trump and George W. Bush, that’s a weird fact.”
But anyway, before we invite all the Pepes of the internet into our comments section, let’s just talk about how most presidents like to get drunk every now and then, and some of them are spectacular at it. We’ve already told you about George Washington (just, top notch president, and impressive drinker) and James Buchanan (like, he was to the United States Presidency what a trenchcoat full of cottonmouth snakes would be to, we don’t know, something that snakes would fuck up. Human ankles? But he was also a superhuman drinker. Hmm maybe those two were related.)
But that brings us to our next drunk president, Martin Van Buren, who was… okay well, also a shitty president, but he was a shitty president that could drink, and apparently viewed personal grooming the way an “already drunk at 6 in the morning, or maybe still drunk from last night at 6 in the morning” kind of person would.
Seriously, look at that picture at the top of this article. Like, dude, there are like three pictures of you in existence, you couldn’t find anyone who had a fucking comb?
But anyway, this is not the space for us to make fun of Martin Van Buren’s hairstyle (but look forward to our article “The 6 Presidents With The Worst Haircuts in American History” which, like, is written now) but rather to talk about his impressive ability to just, drink and get shitty. And here we go!
America’s Drunkest Presidents: Martin Van Buren