“Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!”
~Santa Claus, probably, right? Maybe?
Today is Christmas Eve, that day where you silently complain about the fact that you had to use a vacation day in order to travel back home for the holidays. For some, it’s an important part of the Christmas tradition, and for others, it’s a day you anxiously power through waiting expectantly for Christmas to finally show up. And for most of us, it’s a day where oh shit you totally forgot to wrap your presents didn’t you, okay well you should get that shit down and chuck it under the tree before someone notices.
Now, a few days ago we told you about the worst Christmas treats out there. There was reindeer poop and fruitcake and oh God figgy pudding why as well as a bunch of other horrific British concoctions and it was pretty much awful. But hey, Christmas is tomorrow, some of you are working a half day or some nonsense like that, so let’s just talk about some Christmas treats that you’d actually want to eat instead. Because America does actually know a thing or twelve about making Christmas delicious.
The Best Holiday Treats of Christmas
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Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Holidays
Tagged America, Candy Cane, candy canes, Christmas, Christmas Treats, Christmas tree, Eggnog, Frango, Gingerbread, gingerbread men, Holiday Treats, Holidays, Mallomars, peppermint, peppermint bark, Terry's Chocolate Orange, yule log
“Oh no. Fruit Cake.”
~You, on Christmas
This week, we’re anxiously counting down the days for Christmas, a holiday you either love unconditionally or complain about at every opportunity while getting more and more pissed off each time someone calls you a “Grinch.” “Shut up, I’m not a Grinch, I just don’t see why we’re making such a big deal about…” you start to say to your coworkers before being interrupted by the spontaneous Christmas caroling that just started because, God people, we know Christmas is almost here, that doesn’t mean you need to sing “Jingle Bells” all fucking day, this is a place of work for fuck’s sake.
However, despite its detractors, most of us love Christmas, a time for family, friends, togetherness, and general Christmas cheer. Everyone has their traditions, and while some of those traditions are stupid and racist, most are wholesome and do wonders to take your mind off the harsh winter, no seriously this winter’s going to be really bad goddamn it what did we do to deserve this. And many of these traditions involve delicious sugary treats.
Where Thanksgiving is a holiday centered around savory goodness and no shut up we’re not going to be healthy about it, Christmas is by and large sweets-focused. It’s assumed that you’ll eat and drink too much during Christmas, but unlike Thanksgiving, there’s a little more leeway for dinner. Ham? Fine! Turkey? Sounds good! A roast beef covered in cigarette butts? Goddamn it, Uncle Bert, we told you no smoking in the house, why the fuck did you think that putting your spent cigs in the oven was the best way to cover your tracks? But a Christmas without sweet candy treats is hardly a Christmas at all, unless you’re someone who happens to not be Christian, in which case you still celebrate Christmas because let’s be real this shit is pretty damn secular by this point, and you’re getting the day off of work for it, so quit your bellyaching.
While some of these treats are delightful and delicious (stay tuned for our Christmas Eve article) some are…well. You know. Bad.
The Worst Holiday Treats of Christmas
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Posted in America's Holidays, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Christmas, Christmas cake, Christmas Treats, Figgy Pudding, fruit cake, fruitcake, Holidays, Milk and Cookies, Mince Pie, reindeer poop, Santa Claus, Sugar Plum