“I’m insufferable already.”
~Metro Writer Mandy Mazliah
Apparently, for some god awful reason, October 1st is considered World Vegetarian Day, and the month of October is Vegetarian Awareness Month, which apparently is not like Breast Cancer Awareness Month since they aren’t trying to cure vegetarians of their affliction. Anyway, in honor of that decision to “celebrate” vegetarians right as the weather starts to get depressing (which makes sense, considering) the Metro, a UK…thing, decided to post a little fun article of “15 things that only vegetarians understand.”
Now, we have a long-standing history of not liking vegetarians, and vegetarians have a long-standing history of really not liking us, and we’re juuuust fine with that arrangement. We’re firmly in belief that the best things in America involve killing a creature unfortunate enough to have been born beneath us on the food chain, and if Buddhism turns out to be the one true religion, those animals were probably massive dicks in past lives anyway. You can show us all the horrific videos of animal slaughter you want, we don’t give a shit. Meat is delicious, and we don’t want to be hyperbolic about it so we’ll just say “every single vegetarian deserves to have their houses set on fire” and leave it at that. Some of you bleeding hearts out there might say, “Jesus Christ, that’s such a hateful overreaction” and it totally is, but it’s warranted, because despite the fact that it touches on our day-to-day lives in roughly zero ways, we view being openly vegetarian about as negatively as being openly communist.
That’s right. If you are a vegetarian and you somehow got through our firewall intended to only let meat eaters through and as such are now reading this, well, you are a communist.
Anyway, let’s go through the points made in this article.
Wherein AFFotD Uses a Glib and Fluffy Metro Article as an Excuse to Rage Against Those Supposed Americans Who Do Not Consume Meat
Picture selected entirely because it kind of looks like he’s holding a massive orange dick.
Mandy Mazliah, who by all accounts is probably a perfectly nice person in real life but who also turns evil when she eats after midnight, unless we’re confusing vegetarians with Gremlins again, posted this article because, well, she’s a vegetarian and World Vegetarian Day is a good enough reason to post a cute little fluff piece to Metro. So, she said “here are 15 things about vegetarians” and left off some important points like “we’re the worst” and “Anthony Bourdain hates us.” And we looked at that list and decided to say, “Here are 15 responses to your article that are going to be way more callous than you’d think the article would possibly deserve.”
Eat a damn steak, Mandy.
1: You’ll always get your food first on a flight
That’s nothing to brag about, Mandy. Now if you got booze before everyone else, then we’d totally lie about being a vegetarian, even if it means that real vegetarians aren’t able to get their “special” vegetarian meals. No, wait, especially if it leads to that. Holy shit, that’s the best most evil idea we’ve come up with in a while. Does anyone have a million dollars so we can buy up all the vegetarian airplane meals for no other reason than to be petty and deprive vegetarians of simple pleasures?
2: Posh restaurants often have the worst vegetarian food
This is probably the worst thing about the existence of vegetarianism as a disease that clouds the brain and renders its sufferer incapable of making good culinary decisions. Now, some vegetarians know how to go to a restaurant without making the experience a living hell for their waiter, chef, and first date that will not lead to a second. They are called horses, and they eat grass, outside, and actually now that we think about it don’t go to restaurants at all. The rest of the vegetarian world demands to go out, which is literally the worst fucking thing. “Excuse me, does this chicken Caesar salad have anchovies in it? Can I get it without anchovies in the dressing? And without the chicken? And without the lettuce? Actually, can I just have two cloves of garlic, four croutons, and an ice cube to suck on please? Wait, do you cook your croutons with cow’s blood?”
No one in our staff has ever served on a wait staff, but we have been to restaurants, and we have been kicked out of restaurants because apparently you’re not supposed to scream “I’ll fucking TELL YOU WHEN I’M OVER-SERVED YOU FASCISTS” at an Olive Garden, but if we had to guess, every single waiter and waitress dreams about putting every vegetarian and vegan on a boat and setting it on fire. Every night, they dream that, and when they wake up you can still see the flames dancing in their eyes.
3: Wedding food is even worse
Yeah, fuck right off, Mandy. Weddings are a pain in the ass, sure, but at the end of the day they’re free parties stocked with open bars (unless you’re going to a dry wedding, at which point you need new friends). You know who the worst person at every wedding is? No, not the lechy uncle who tries to get all the college aged girls to dance with him, it’s you, the vegetarian complaining about how your vegetarian meal that you didn’t pay for isn’t up to your strict standards. Eat your weirdly discolored whitefish like the rest of us and just focus on drinking until dancing seems like it’d be fun.
You’re literally worse than John Travolta right now.
- People try to convert you to eating meat by talking about the smell of bacon
Yes, because bacon is delicious. Have you tried smelling it, Mandy? It’ll totally make you rethink your lifestyle choice. Yeah, that’s right, we said it, vegetarianism is a choice, and we’ll go on record as saying that, no matter how unpopular it is with the liberal media.
- Most sweets aren’t suitable for vegetarians but bacon crisps are
If you think that bacon potato chips (remember, the author is British, in case you’re wondering why weird and wrong words are constantly being used) are as good as real bacon, you are going to be amazed when you try the real thing (which will happen because we are going to find out where you live, go to your work, and conceal like, half a pound of bacon in the sandwich you brought for lunch).
- You don’t have to be a hippy to be a vegetarian
Yeah, but it sure fucking helps. Stereotypes are bad and wrong, which we totally understand as we’re constantly dodging people who go up to us and are like, “Oh, you’re AFFotD writers? I heard this stereotype that you all are extremely good in bed, and can beat anyone in arm wrestling.” And yes, that is true, but like, come on man you’re talking to a person here, you can’t just try to sum us up in a few accurate statements. The point being, we understand that stereotypes have a negative impact on society, but stereotypes come from somewhere, and you have to really think twice about your life decisions when society as a whole assumes that you’re a hippy because you don’t eat meat, and no one likes hippies. Hippies wouldn’t even like hippies if it wasn’t for all the fond memories of the horrifically unsafe sex they were having in the 60s.
What we’re trying to say is, when you have to distance yourself from a negative stereotype by saying, “We know you assume this, but actually not all of us are like that” it’s sort of like a South Carolinian who has to really emphasize that, no, they’re not racist, but they totally knew racists growing up.
- Not all veggie food is bland and healthy
This is probably true, but we were too busy eating a far more delicious cheeseburger to test this theory out.
- Vegetarians don’t eat ham
…this is a thing that only vegetarians understand? Like, that really needed clarification? Hell, in that case, we’re going to write an article of “15 things that only Americans understand” and number eight on our list is going to be “American’s don’t have a ceremony where they cut off their genitals and throw it into one of the Great Lakes.”
- Lentils and butternut square are very, very useful
We can understand where the butternut comes into play for sexual purposes, but you lost us on the lentils.
- People always have an argument about why you should eat meat
Oh, you want us to list more? Did you know (these facts are 100% true, and in order to comment on this section you are signing a contract that says you agree with all these statements)
– If you go longer than 2 days without eating meat, you get really into the band Train.
– Consumption of meat is the only way we’re able to have dreams.
– Tofu is made out of socks and the hair of an angry Albanian immigrant named Steven who is just lousy with dandruff.
– Vegetarians have to eat over 100 spiders a day to reach their daily allotment of protein. 100 Spiders!
– You forget basic arithmetic once you’ve gone a year without eating meat.
– “Steak” is an anagram for “ate….ks.” We’re not good at anagrams.
– Vegetarianism is an autoimmune disease where the human immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks healthy tissue (full disclosure, we sometimes mix up vegetarianism with lupus, but we’re pretty sure that lupus is the one where you don’t eat meat for some god awful reason)
– “People who eat meat are better than people who don’t” is a sentence you might recognize as the preamble for the United States Constitution.
- Complete Strangers worry that you’re not getting enough iron in your diet
There’s a much darker sense of Mandy’s obnoxious vegetarianism on display here just below the surface. Now, in general, yes, we would agree, strangers shouldn’t be going up to you and offering nutrition advice. That’s a thing that’s weird and bad. But, British Mandy, how did these “complete strangers” come to know your dietary preferences so quickly? You just established you’re one of those people who make sure that being a vegetarian is their defining trait, and need to tell everyone that you’re a vegetarian the same way that one asshole at your High School reunion spent the whole night making sure, “Oh, I’m a doctor now” was the first fucking thing out of his mouth to everyone he talked to. That’s the worst kind of vegetarian, especially since it means that you view your arbitrary decision not to eat meat as something worth bragging about. You shouldn’t brag. You should save your energy, that lack of iron is probably making you pretty anemic, author who we have never met.
- Indian restaurants always have the best choice
We actually don’t have a problem with this. Indian food is pretty good.
- Non-veggies panic when they’ve invited you round for dinner
Okay, so this is the one time we’ll quote Mandy’s reasoning. Her addition to this point was, “It’s not that hard—just Google ‘vegetarian recipes.’” Seriously, kindly fuck yourself. Like, we’re having fun here (we say to lessen the inevitable flow of humorless vegetarians Well Actuallying us in the comment section) but probably the worst trait of the worst vegetarians, the one thing people say about vegetarians that only applies to the shittiest people who also happen to not eat meat, is the self-centered mindset that “everyone should go out of their way to meet my needs.” If we invited someone to our office for dinner, and you said, “Okay great, I’ll be there, by the way try Googling ‘vegetarian recipes’ and cook something that looks good” we can guarantee that the night ends with us getting you drunk enough to convince you that foie gras is made out of cabbage.
Delicious, force-fed cabbage
- Not too much cheese please
Oh fuck you.
- Your choice of holiday destination is governed by what the food will be like
Wait, so you’re actually saying that being a vegetarian actively limits where you can go for vacation? What the fuck, then why are you even doing this? What is the point? That’s the stupidest shit we’ve ever heard, and we literally once heard someone do a TED talk about the cultural significance of the smiley poop emoticon. Basically, Mandy’s saying she has gone out and said, “Well, I heard that Italy is lovely, but unfortunately they’re not really able to accommodate my stupid dietary choices.” God, this is the worst. Being a vegetarian is the worse.
Anyway, in closing, we’d like to say to all the vegetarians out there that Americans eat meat, lettuce is primarily made out of rat poison, and, hey, you look kind of frail, are you sure you’re getting enough protein and iron in your daily diet?