“Huh, so apparently there IS such a thing as eating too many sandwiches…”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, shortly before getting his stomach pumped
As mentioned in our previous post, the simple concept of “a sandwich on a long roll of bread stuffed with cold cuts and condiments” has expanded well beyond our wildest dreams. While many of these variations are all words for the same thing (the submarine begat the hero begat the grinder begat pointless regional squabbles about lexicon and so forth) these linguistic shifts have also helped create entirely new sandwiches made to be stuffed into submarine or Italian bread and embraced as a regional dish so fervently that even New Yorkers sometimes have to step in and go, “Woah, easy there, Philadelphia, we get you invented it, but people are allowed to add different things to a fucking cheesesteak.”
Ha, just kidding, they’d never say that, they’re too busy trying to pretend they make the nation’s best hot dogs because…what, they’re sold in carts? Because it’s easy to go to a cart and have someone scoop out a three day old frank and top it with sauerkraut and mustard and that somehow makes your hot dog “supreme” to, say, every other type of hot dog that at least tries? Get off your fucking high horse, goddamn you.
Okay, sorry, back on track. Anyway, for whatever reason, the state of Pennsylvania accounts for like, 40% of all the sandwiches on rolls of the entire East Coast, so we decided to give them their own section in our series on…
The Regional Italian and Submarine Sandwiches of America: Pennsylvania
Posted in AFFotD Special Features, America's Best Foods, The American Sandwich Series
Tagged America, Amoroso, Barb Mills, broccoli rabe, cheesesteak, cheez whiz, Cosmo, Hoagie, Hoagies, Long Roll Sandwiches, Mayo, Mayonnaise, norristown, Pat Olivieri, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Philly Cheesesteak, provolone, provolone cheese, Regional Sandwiches, Roast Pork, Sandwich, sandwich shop, sandwiches, Sub, Submarine Sandwich, the state of Pennsylvania, wiz wit, zep
“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering. Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli. China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it. French food can go to hell. You hear us, France? YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!
Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England. Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting. We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkey. Gross.
That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people. We’ll say that again. They are saying that American food is weird.
You know what this means, America. Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.
15 Foods That Are NOT Weird
Posted in China, England, France
Tagged America, American Pie, bacon and eggs, biscuits and gravy, black pepper, bread, Cheese, dumb countries, frito pie, grits, large portions, Mayonnaise, pasta and broccoli, peanut butter, Ranch, red velvet cake, salad dressing
“I make my own mayonnaise. I do this either because I am pretentiously gourmet, or because I am technically too fat to fit out my door and run to the grocery store. You decide.”
~It’s the second one
Imagine a swimming pool filled with Mayonnaise. No, seriously, picture it. You can’t get it out of your head now, can you? And be honest with us- you’ve never once thought about that. You’ve never wondered to yourself, “I wonder what it would look like if you filled a swimming pool with Mayonnaise.” And now you can’t stop thinking about it. That is our gift to you.
Yes Mayo is an integral part of America’s culinary tradition. While it shockingly was not invented in America, it clearly was invented ahead of its time, since it’s a product clearly meant for America. Come on, it’s 85% fat, and has 700 calories for every 100 grams of it. Holy hell, that’s glorious. So we’re going to only touch on the European-y origins of this thing, and focus on…
The American History of Mayonnaise