Tag Archives: Ranch

Wherein AFFotD Addresses the Concerns of Foreign Nations Regarding American Cuisine, Ultimately Deciding That These Foreigners Are Mistaken in Their Foolish Views

“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering.  Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli.  China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it.  French food can go to hell.  You hear us, France?  YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!

Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England.  Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting.  We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkeyGross.

That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people.  We’ll say that again.  They are saying that American food is weird.

You know what this means, America.  Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.

15 Foods That Are NOT Weird

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Ranch Dressing Goes on EVERYTHING

“So, why am I eating this salad if I’m ‘technically can’ chug this stuff by itself?”

~That’s actually a really good question, Jimmy

You’re a typical American.  You weigh over 200 pounds, get winded when you go up a flight of stairs, and you’re probably sitting on a coach watching TV debating the physical attractiveness of the professional models that they hired for that Miller Lite commercial.  It’s entirely possible that you just dropped a can of beer and have spent the last five minutes straining yourself trying to reach down and grab it.  Don’t give up!  If you don’t drink that soon you won’t be able to crumble the can and hide it in the potted plant before your spouse gets home.  Yes this is a gender-neutral assessment of you, the typical American AFFotD reader.

“We’re flattered, AFFotD, now get to the point…dammit beer, GET IN MY HAND,” you might say at this point.

Fair enough, enterprising American.  One of the most paradoxical statistics in America is the sheer amount of lettuce and pre-packaged salads that are sold in this nation every year.  We’re talking four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Using simple math, that means that each American individually, on average, eats somewhere between one ounce and four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Four billion pounds of lettuce.  That’s four one billions.  And that’s terrible.

Thankfully, one of the most American inventions helps account for a vast majority of salad consumption in America, turning terrifying “wholesome” vegetables into something palpable and, hopefully, unhealthy.

Your friend reading this over your shoulder no doubt is shouting, “Oh, I know!  Salad dressing!  They’re talking about salad dressing!  I like putting a vinaigrette on my salads because it tastes good and it’s low calorie!”  Hey, you.  Yes you, the friend that just said that.  Go stand in the corner and hang your head in shame.  No, you’re on time out for the rest of this article.  Do you think we’re kidding?  We’ll wait.

Still waiting…

Okay good.  Anyway, obviously the answer is Ranch Dressing.  Right?  We mean…obviously.

Ranch Dressing:  A Delicious American Salad Treat


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