Tag Archives: Ranch Dressing

Six Strangest Marketing Gimmicks Used By Hidden Valley Ranch

“Ranch Dressing.”

~One of Four Check Boxes on Medical Forms Under “Reason For Heart Attack.”


Ranch dressing claims to be one of the, if not the only, truly American salad dressing. We do not dispute this. No, seriously, we’ve written to that effect and everything. Hidden Valley, a ranch in California, originally invented the creamy gluttonous delicacy in the 50s before selling the brand to Clorox for $8 million in 1972. You’d think that Ranch sells itself, but the folks behind Hidden Valley apparently disagree. Today, Hidden Valley Ranch sells about half a billion dollars’ worth of product a year, but in order to keep things fresh, they’ve been rolling out some, oh, let’s say “interesting” marketing gimmicks. You’ve probably heard about some of them. But not all. So we compiled the rest of them here for you. Because we don’t know about you, but when we think of Ranch dressing, we definitely think “gold, gem-encrusted bottle.” Or we do now, apparently.

Six Strangest Marketing Gimmicks Used By Hidden Valley Ranch

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The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs

“Update: for the right price u can put anything in a keg”

~Actual Yahoo Answers User


Everyone loves kegs because they represent, essentially, unlimited beer.  Do you know how much beer you can get from a single keg?  If you go with a half barrel, you’ve got yourself 165 bottles of beer.  That’s so much beer for just a few people—let’s be honest, most of the time you get one of those suckers for a party, unless it’s a barnburner, you’re not going to use the whole keg (challenge accepted).

But at least drinking an entire keg of beer seems doable.  Sure, you have to deal with a shitload of beer, but you can handle that. It’s beer.  Beer can be drunk, lots of it, in a short period of time.  But did you know that we put other things in kegs?  Other…strange things?  Well we do.  Not all of them were particularly thought through, though.

The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs

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Ranch Dressing Goes on EVERYTHING

“So, why am I eating this salad if I’m ‘technically can’ chug this stuff by itself?”

~That’s actually a really good question, Jimmy

You’re a typical American.  You weigh over 200 pounds, get winded when you go up a flight of stairs, and you’re probably sitting on a coach watching TV debating the physical attractiveness of the professional models that they hired for that Miller Lite commercial.  It’s entirely possible that you just dropped a can of beer and have spent the last five minutes straining yourself trying to reach down and grab it.  Don’t give up!  If you don’t drink that soon you won’t be able to crumble the can and hide it in the potted plant before your spouse gets home.  Yes this is a gender-neutral assessment of you, the typical American AFFotD reader.

“We’re flattered, AFFotD, now get to the point…dammit beer, GET IN MY HAND,” you might say at this point.

Fair enough, enterprising American.  One of the most paradoxical statistics in America is the sheer amount of lettuce and pre-packaged salads that are sold in this nation every year.  We’re talking four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Using simple math, that means that each American individually, on average, eats somewhere between one ounce and four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Four billion pounds of lettuce.  That’s four one billions.  And that’s terrible.

Thankfully, one of the most American inventions helps account for a vast majority of salad consumption in America, turning terrifying “wholesome” vegetables into something palpable and, hopefully, unhealthy.

Your friend reading this over your shoulder no doubt is shouting, “Oh, I know!  Salad dressing!  They’re talking about salad dressing!  I like putting a vinaigrette on my salads because it tastes good and it’s low calorie!”  Hey, you.  Yes you, the friend that just said that.  Go stand in the corner and hang your head in shame.  No, you’re on time out for the rest of this article.  Do you think we’re kidding?  We’ll wait.

Still waiting…

Okay good.  Anyway, obviously the answer is Ranch Dressing.  Right?  We mean…obviously.

Ranch Dressing:  A Delicious American Salad Treat


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