“Oh God, no, not pizza. Ruin ANYTHING ELSE but spare the pizza!”
~Your Taste Buds
We talk a lot about pizza around these parts, but can you blame us? Pizza is just about the perfect, when done right. But, as you no doubt know, it’s…not always done right. Now we get a lot of flack from St. Louis and Ohio Valley residents because of our article that (correctly) points out what their regional pizzas are (garbage) but we can at least take solace in knowing that, as a nation, we generally have our shit together. Other countries, though? Not so much. Sure, we’ve previously talked about Pizza Hut’s crazy international menu items, and England’s hot dog crust pizza, but we’ve not really taken the moment to sit down and let you know how badly other countries are screwing up pizza.
And boy howdy, are they screwing up pizzas.
Granted, this article only lists isolated instances—a bad pizza idea from a country other than America does not mean that the country in question does not know how to make at least passable pizza otherwise. But still, when we see pizzas being ruined across the world, it’s our duty, as Americans, to point it out. You know, so we can feel superior, and also so we can say, “Well, sure, we have St. Louis-style pizza, but we’re not monsters.”
Because these pizzas? Yar, there be monsters.
A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, Pizza Pizza, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Bad Pizza, Brazil, Canada, Cockroaches, Donuts, Japan, Marshmallow Peeps, pizza, Pizza Donuts, Sweden, Worst Pizza
“We wish you a merry…oh God what are you putting in front of us? You want us to EAT that?”
~Greenland residents during Christmas
We’re just a few short days away from Christmas, a time for reflection, forced familial-interaction in the guise of gift giving and, above all else, feasting, American-style. Every family has their own different tradition for Christmas, ranging from “it’s pretty much like a second Thanksgiving” to “my family died in a fire and the holidays are a cold reminder of how I’m alone in the world, oh God now I’m crying in public again, thanks a lot assholes” but generally, an American Christmas feast falls well within the definition of “normal.” Ham? Sounds delicious. Turkey? Sure! Egg nog? Booze it up and we’ll talk.
But we were recently informed, much to our surprise, that countries other than America also celebrate Christmas, which is insane to think about because America is the only country that actually makes good Christmas movies. But it’s true, we’re not alone in celebrating Christmas. However, less surprisingly, most other countries get real weird about it. So we decided to cast our xenophobia aside (reluctantly) in the spirit of Christmas, and look at some traditional Christmas dishes around the world. And since it’s the holidays, we’re not going to say that all of these are gross and must be set on fire, and instead are just focusing on Christmas meals that are…weird.
The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Christmas, Christmas dishes, Greenland, Janssons Frestelse, KFC, Kiviak, Lampreia de Ovos, Muktuk, Portugal, Russia, Sweden, Weird Food, Zakuski
“Were you born without goddamn taste buds?”
~AFFotD Staffers reading The Top Tens’ list of Countries With the Worst Food
Occasionally, we have been known to read websites other than our own. It goes against our general ego-centric, ignorance-embracing lifestyle that we’ve worked very hard to foster, but it happens. Granted, most of the time we wander to the other darker corners of the internet, we find horrific, un-American things, so we try to limit how often we stray out, because the doctors have been telling us for years that we gotta start watching our blood pressure.
Anyway, this brings us to the purpose of today’s article. In researching for our lovely borderline-xenophobic series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, we stumbled across an article from thetoptens.com that claimed to list the 10 Countries with the worst food in the world. We were interested. Would they include Armenia? Botswana? Oh, God, Latvia?
What we clicked was, very possibly, the most wrong a top 10 list has ever been about anything in the history of the internet. Fuck you, thetoptens.com, we’re going to write an article about how shit you are now.
Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, China, India, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Sweden, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, Top 10 List, Ukraine, Wherein
“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am *starts mauling police officer*”
~A Drunk Monkey
Humans separate themselves from the rest of the animal kingdom through their advanced culture, their intellectual pursuits, and their appreciation of Shark Week. Sure, there might be more to the difference between man and beast, but at the end of the day, many creatures on this planet are a lot like us, only much tastier. It’s this disconnect between our similarities and differences with the animal world that finds us constantly striving to anthropomorphize pets and wild creatures—you put a sweater on your severely overheated poodle and it’s cute, because he thinks he’s people. We like seeing animals “act human” but it’s typically pretty forced. Yes, that is a cute YouTube video of a dog walking on its hind legs, but that’s just because he was incessantly trained to do that. But there is one area where, with minimal human interference, animals are just like us.
They like to get drunk.
So, we will take a momentary break from our established credo of “Fuck Nature” to give our furry animal friends a break, and talk about how they like to get shitcanned drunk, just like us. Granted, if some of you take that to the logical conclusion that the alcohol probably makes these cute little critters taste even better, we won’t stop you.
A Brief History of Animals Getting Drunk
Posted in Fuck Nature, Strange America, The Rest of Them
Tagged Alcohol, Alcoholic Bears, America, Animals, chimpanzees, Drunk Animals, drunk elephants, drunk elk, elephants, elk, monkeys, Russia, Sweden, tree shrews
“I will get a Hard Rock Café shirt from EVERY location!”
~The Saddest World Traveler in the World
Hard Rock Café is a music theme restaurant chain founded in London by two Americans, which was then purchased by the Seminole Tribe of Florida in 2007 and is currently headquartered in Orlando, Florida. It’s a relatively friendly and tourist-dominated place that you’ve very probably visited at some point in your life, though if you said you could remember what kind of food they had there you’d be lying. It’s known for having a shitload of music memorabilia (all together, they’re responsible for the largest collection of that in the world) and for the fact that old people seem to love to buy shirts to show what cities with a Hard Rock they’ve been to.
We think that Hard Rock Café is fascinating, but not for the reasons you’d suspect. Tricking people into overpaying for decent generic food through gimmicks is, while extremely American, not something that we find particularly novel or new. We’ve all eaten at a TGI Fridays, after all. No, the fascinating part of Hard Rock is that, though it was founded in England, it’s really an American export that’s happened to establish locations in a frankly surprising number of countries. No, seriously, there are 191 Hard Rock locations (if you include hotels and casinos) in over 59 countries. That’s insane! So, we figured we should go through the list of locations and tell you about some of the weirdest one, because we know that when you go to exotic and strange locations, you really want to sit down and eat a whatever the fuck Hard Rock sells while looking at a guitar Elvis played for a few weeks during some practice session in 1962.
The Most Surprising Hard Rock Café Locations in the World
Posted in Insulting Foreigners, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Bahrain, Cambodia, France, Hard Rock, Hard Rock Cafe, Hard Rock Hotel, Northern Marina Islands, Paris, Sweden, Vietnam