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Wherein AFFotD Screams “Are You Fucking Kidding Me, They’re BUGS” With Righteous Frustration Towards the Fiends at the Mother Nature Network

“The Vegans are coming, the vegans are coming!”

~AFFotD Office Sentries

bugs

Hi.  This might seem like an extreme non-sequitur, but vegans kind of hate us, largely because we loathe vegans.  We say “meat is the best part of living, ergo, vegans are zombies, and we must destroy their brains” and they flock to our site to say “You are a total ignoramus!  Feel sorry for you!  Enjoy your rectal cancer ugly people” because that’s an actual comment left on this website by someone who was mad at us making fun of vegan diets and apparently 95% of America’s vegan population doesn’t have a sense of humor.  The other 5% are no longer vegan because they just succumbed to their base urges, and started eating someone’s brains (because they’re fucking zombies) (but brains aren’t vegan) (so they’re not vegan anymore) (just zombies).

This will all make sense in a little bit, but first, let’s talk about eating bugs.

A surprising amount of cultures include insects as part of their basic diets.  This is called Entomophagy, which is Latin for “eww gross, ha ha, it’s all crawly, hee hee.”  It’s common in developing nations, but lately, taboos about eating bugs are being challenged in first world countries like America by nutritionists pointing out that insects are high in protein, efficient to produce for consumption, and aren’t that gross just grow the fuck up, you haven’t even tried it, okay, just take one bite and if you don’t like it we’ll let you have some chicken.

Our stance on the issue might be surprising to those of you expecting us to demand that the world eat a diet of only bacon and steak (which, admittedly, not a bad call) but we’re totally for people eating bugs.  Some of our writers have actually done so (not in the “eating worms on the playground to make friends because they were lonely children” way…well, not exclusively that way) and they said they were delicious.  People think of eating bugs as digging into worming live messes, which is gross, but it’s also gross trying to bite into a chicken’s thigh as it runs for its life.  Cooked and prepared insects can be surprisingly good—crickets taste like shrimp, most larvae are kind of mushroomy, crickets are deep fried so they taste like everything that’s deep fried (delicious), and some other insects even taste like bacon.  All of these are good things!  We guess some people like the “sustainability” of the food source, but we don’t care—we’ll always welcome an added excuse to try to eat something that once lived on this Earth and has been killed specifically to address the fact that we’ve been drinking since 4PM and man, we should probably get some food in there before going out to the bars.

So to bring our two points together.

Our friends at the Mother Nature Network (sarcasm) posted an article a few months back by their blogger, “Starre Vartan,” entitled, “Eating insects is better than eating meat, but is it any more ethical?”  So we’re going to spend quite some time bashing our head into a wall for a while, and writing down whatever curse words come to mind in the process.  Enjoy.

Wherein AFFotD Screams “Are You Fucking Kidding Me, They’re BUGS” With Righteous Frustration Towards the Fiends at the Mother Nature Network

         screaming man               

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A Shocking Look At What Vegans Cannot Eat

“This is the most depressing list I’ve ever seen.  Those poor Vegans.  Please, just take a big old bite out of my flank.  I want you to be happy.”

~A cow

Ever since we sent [REDACTED] on a trip into torture and madness not seen since Apocalypse Now, we’ve tried to distance ourselves from the terrifying, un-American creatures known as “Vegans.”  We didn’t know much about them, but we knew they didn’t like meat, and that’s more than enough reason to hate them with every fiber of our beings.  “Oh, but AFFotD, that’s blind, irrational hatred, isn’t that wrong?” you may ask, and we would retort, of course not.  If we didn’t have blind, irrational hatred, we’d have settled this country by “peacefully cohabiting with the natives” and where would that leave us now?  With a lot fewer casinos and a lot less stories about smallpox blankets.  Could you imagine such a terrifying world?  We try not to.

But after a while, we began to develop a curiosity about these soulless (we can only assume) harbingers of soy.  Here’s what we knew about Vegans (through assumption).  They don’t eat meat unless it comes from human babies, they don’t have souls because the only way to acquire and maintain a soul is by devouring the life force of other animals, and they never shower because if they did their white-person dreads would immediately thin out when they touch water.

“My parents eat MEAT so I think it’s WRONG.  I learned that at the college that they paid for me to go to from a professor I was sleeping with.”

Well, for a while this inherent knowledge satisfied us.  But, after months of not even thinking the word “Vegan” we suddenly developed a strong urge to learn about all the foods that they are not allowed to eat.  This may or may not have something to do with putting trace amounts of cow’s blood in the water supply and then buying billboard space that says, “HEY VEGANS!  HOW’S THE COW’S BLOOD TASTE?  IT’S IN YOUR FUCKING WATER, HIPPIES!”

God, the look on their faces is going to be priceless.  Well, time for us to get formal, and focus on…

Foods of Enjoyment (Ignored by Dastardly Vegans)

“Meat:  It’s totally worth killing for.”

The following is a list of foods that Vegans can’t eat.  It’s not comprehensive, but it is comprehensive as far as things that Americans need.  And we’re not exaggerating here.  If an American goes a month without eating any of the following food and drink items, they turn into a male Chinese government official.  Even our women.  All Vegans are secretly Chinese government officials, is what we’re trying to say.

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