“This is the most depressing list I’ve ever seen. Those poor Vegans. Please, just take a big old bite out of my flank. I want you to be happy.”
Ever since we sent [REDACTED] on a trip into torture and madness not seen since Apocalypse Now, we’ve tried to distance ourselves from the terrifying, un-American creatures known as “Vegans.” We didn’t know much about them, but we knew they didn’t like meat, and that’s more than enough reason to hate them with every fiber of our beings. “Oh, but AFFotD, that’s blind, irrational hatred, isn’t that wrong?” you may ask, and we would retort, of course not. If we didn’t have blind, irrational hatred, we’d have settled this country by “peacefully cohabiting with the natives” and where would that leave us now? With a lot fewer casinos and a lot less stories about smallpox blankets. Could you imagine such a terrifying world? We try not to.
But after a while, we began to develop a curiosity about these soulless (we can only assume) harbingers of soy. Here’s what we knew about Vegans (through assumption). They don’t eat meat unless it comes from human babies, they don’t have souls because the only way to acquire and maintain a soul is by devouring the life force of other animals, and they never shower because if they did their white-person dreads would immediately thin out when they touch water.
“My parents eat MEAT so I think it’s WRONG. I learned that at the college that they paid for me to go to from a professor I was sleeping with.”
Well, for a while this inherent knowledge satisfied us. But, after months of not even thinking the word “Vegan” we suddenly developed a strong urge to learn about all the foods that they are not allowed to eat. This may or may not have something to do with putting trace amounts of cow’s blood in the water supply and then buying billboard space that says, “HEY VEGANS! HOW’S THE COW’S BLOOD TASTE? IT’S IN YOUR FUCKING WATER, HIPPIES!”
God, the look on their faces is going to be priceless. Well, time for us to get formal, and focus on…
Foods of Enjoyment (Ignored by Dastardly Vegans)
“Meat: It’s totally worth killing for.”
The following is a list of foods that Vegans can’t eat. It’s not comprehensive, but it is comprehensive as far as things that Americans need. And we’re not exaggerating here. If an American goes a month without eating any of the following food and drink items, they turn into a male Chinese government official. Even our women. All Vegans are secretly Chinese government officials, is what we’re trying to say.