“Congratulations, you have won Jeopardy! Did I mention that when I was in my 40s, I married a 27 year old woman?”
As fine purveyors of all things American, sometimes it is necessary for America Fun Fact of the Day writers to take a step back and think about what America means to them. Yes, it is a country, a way of life, and the creator of all things awesome. This we know. We know that we are Americans, either by blood or by love, and our fervor for this hunk of a continent knows no equal.
But every once and a while, a non-American tries to infiltrate our ranks. Yes, Ivan Drago might stroll in, Carl Weathers in tow, and start to beat him mercilessly in front of us while saying, “If you do not hire me….he dies.” And as he tells us about the time where robbers broke into his house, tied up his wife, and then left without taking anything just because they saw a picture of him in the house and realized, “Holy shit, Ivan Drago’s going to kill us when he finds out,” we might fool ourselves into thinking, “Yes, maybe he is American.” But then, we remember Rocky beating the shit out of him to win the Cold War, and the fact that the name “Dolph” is a pretty shitty name. And since you are able to read “Dolph Lundgren has a shitty name, fuck you Dolph Lundgren” without his hand punching through your computer and breaking your nose, that means that he is clearly not American enough. And we were right to not hire him for that reason, and we totally sent Mrs. Weathers a really nice bouquet of flowers for the funeral.
Since other people can mask their accents, or not be named “Dolph,” we sometimes have to take the psychological route to determine who among us are truly American. It is for that reason that you, dear readers, will be able to take our handy “Are You American” quiz. It’s full of questions meant to separate the Patriots from the Portuguese, the Americans from the Albanians, and the Freedoms from the….French.
All french people are mimes. True story.
So please take our test below. For each multiple choice question, A is worth 0 points, B is worth 1 point, C is worth 3 points, and D is worth 5 points. So add up your score, and check our scoring guide at the bottom of the page. Good luck trying to pass this test, comrade.