“Step one, write a book. Step two, post some memes. Step three, make an wireless coin. Step four, ?. Step five, invent time travel.”
The internet is a nebulous, scary place. When it’s not bringing people to this site who are OUTRAGED at Americans making fun of Latvian food, it’s letting people create websites devoted to theories and thoughts that would normally be relegated to the ranting screams of a Subway station hobo. Of course, when the internet finds a way to get REALLY crazy, we’re there to document the insanity. And sometimes, the insanity finds out about it and threatens us. We don’t anticipate that level of vitriol to come from this article, but we probably will lose our space on our time travel bus.
Yes, time travel bus.
Just, okay guys, hold onto your fucking dicks (that goes double for our lady readers) because this is going to get bananas.
The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)
“Ha-ha! Hu-man interaction!”
Self-published books are one of our best sources for pure, distilled ego and delusion. It takes a certain kind of person to say, “Well, I can’t get a literary agent, or a publisher, but my words must be read via kindle, so I shall do this myself!” This is directly responsible for a whole slew of intentionally and unintentionally (mostly unintentionally) hilarious books, with some of them managing to tackle topics other than fucking dinosaurs.
Similarly, pickup artists are one of our best sources for cringeworthy attempts to dilute 50% of our population into basically stop lights with vaginas, where people who, in theory, have had sex a few times with strangers have decided that they must tell their “secrets” to the world, which ends up being about as interesting as listening to a man shouting on the bus about getting a blowjob in an alleyway this one time. As long as you don’t take it seriously (and please, don’t, that implies they’re saying serious things) this too is a hilarious source of pure, distilled ego and delusion, as well as the most awkward almost alien attempts to mimic hu-man ver-bal interactions in existence.
With that in mind, we stumbled across this little doozy of a book by one Mohammed Zubair, who promises to give you over 500 examples of conversation starters so that you can achieve the one thing you, assuming you’re a male, or a lesbian we guess, were put on this planet to do—have grossly unsatisfying sex with someone you recently met at a bar. It’s incredible, and so, so awkward, and we had to tell you about it. It’s book review time!
AFFotD Book Review: Smooth Talking by Mohammed Zubair
“This is either the best book, or the worst book, that I’ve ever read. But to be fair, I’ve never read a full book.”
~AFFotD’s Official Book Reviewer
Yes, it takes a lot for a “book” to grab our attention and make us start to “read” it. Unless that book is blatantly xenophobic, or, you know, actually just a beer, it’s tough to motivate us into stringing together the various printed words and comprehending the “action” that we’re implored to use our “imagination” and “stop drinking for just one damn minute.” Well, even when we read we know better than to do it sober.
Of course, we quickly changed our tune (well, except for the “reading while drunk, only” thing, that’s pretty non-negotiable) as soon as we saw the cover for DNA Nannies, available for download through the Kindle and written by “Pseudonym: Fidel Faddle.” Yes, this creative genius decided that the best alias he could come up with would be “Fidel Faddle,” which in no way tells us that this book was written by a 65 year old man with delusions of grandeur. But we’ll get to that later.
Just look at that cover! Wall Street! Statue! Wall Street again! Uh, Wall Street in the 20s! LOG CABINS! Galaxies! UFOs! Tits! TITS! This book has to be the best book ever, right?
Well, there’s only one way to find out.
AFFotD Book Review: DNA Nannies by Fidel Faddle
…did we mention the tits?
“Book review? Only if it’s extremely negative to other cultures. It IS? Sure I’ll give it a shot, then”
~AFFotD Book Reading Guy, Chuck Palahniuk
Books are scary. Look at those assholes up there, just… looking all…rustic and shit. Since you are reading an America Fun Fact of the Day, we can safely assume that we should explain what books are to you, the semi-literate reader.
“Hey that there tuxedo bird hurt it head, hyuk”
Books are a series of pieces of paper that are usually organized in a way to inform the reader or tell a story. They are “bound” together using glue or string or magic or whatever shit they use, and the front of a book is usually a “cover” that will have a picture telling you what the book is called, and giving you an idea what it is about. About half the time the cover has something to do with Fabio. Popular books include, The Bible, Harry Potter, and The Day My Butt Went Psycho. Books should be viewed as dangerous, however, as they often will force Americans to read, and greatly increase your risk of paper cuts, which always suck, no matter how much Neosporin you put on them.
IT DOES NOTHING!
That is why we at the AFFotD offices are hesitant to begin our next segment. While we were perusing the google translate for various Belgium website (as most people do in their spare time when their firewall blocks out porn) when we found a garbled article decrying a book written by an American that paints the Belgians (Belgiums? Belges? Gums?) in a particular negative right. For whatever reason, Belgians had a problem with this book, and were offended by it. That got our attention. If an American is pissing off a foreign nation, we’re going to approve of it. When we found out that it was a children’s book with pictures, we got even more excited, because that meant that at least 60% of our staff would be able to make some sense out of it at least. And finally, we saw the title…
Yes, that’s right. Let’s Kill All The Belgians: A Child’s Guide to Genocide. We had a lengthy argument in the office about if that was the best book title ever, or the best book title ever, eventually settling on a fistfight. So we figured, coming in at a whopping seven pages, we out to give Danny Wind’s masterpiece a proper review. So now, here is the first ever AFFotD Book Review (of America!)
Posted in The Rest of Them
Tagged AFFotD Book Review, America, Belgium, Books, Catcher in the Rye, Chuck Palahniuk, Danny Wind, Fabio, Gin, Harry Potter, Kill all the Belgians, Moby Dick, Neosporin, Penguin, Red Dawn, The Bible, The Day My Butt Went Psycho, The Great Gatsby, tuxedo, Vegitables, Xenophobia, Zombie