“I’m sorry, there’s no one here with that job title.”
~AFFotD’s Cultural Sensitivity Officer
America has always had an uncomfortable relationship with England, sort of like a second husband trying to be polite to his wife’s ex when he comes by to take his kid for the weekend. Like, we’re friendly enough, but deep down we kind of suspect they resent us for taking what they once had. We don’t say this to make any larger point about England and America, or even their alliance and history throughout the years, because nothing about this post is going to be diplomatic, smart, or even particularly well-informed. We’re here to make fun of British food.
We talk about food a lot here, and for good reason—America is a land of delicious and largely unhealthy delicacies, and frankly we think it’s a little rude for you to respond to our eager descriptions of insane fried foods with something like, “Dear God, according to your cholesterol levels you should be dead,” Doctor Fredricks. And we make fun of other countries a lot here, because we think America is the greatest and we kind of get defensive when people imply otherwise. Oh that’s great, Switzerland, your country is the happiest in the world, well fuck off we have nukes and guns we’re better than you FOOTBALLLLLL.
More to the point, considering how often we talk about American food in all its wondrous incarnations, it’s important to remind ourselves that light cannot exist without darkness. American food is the light. British food is…well there’s a reason we make fun of British food. This is the reason. These foods are the reasons.
The Greatest Culinary Crimes Perpetrated by the British