Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

“Family Gift Nation” Sells “Funny Summer Shorts for the Family” and We “Hate Them So Much”

“Hey honey, look at these shorts! Aren’t they funny? It’s SUGGESTIVE ha ha! What’s that? What do you mean you’re leaving me?”

~The Average Customer at Family Gift Nation

family gift nation

There’s no use explaining how we became aware of Family Gift Nation, a website devoted to selling extremely white bread, extremely cheesy sentiment so bland and fucking precious it makes those “Live, Laugh, Love” wine glasses looking like fucking meth pipes.

They almost exclusively sell watches, wallets, music boxes, and, um, engraved basketballs that are covered with, we shit you not, like 75 words of copy along the lines of, “My DEAREST SON, you are the true LIGHT OF MY LIFE, and when we SUMMER in the FINGER LAKES, just know that you are my SPECIAL LITTLE BOY and I will do ANYTHING to help you achieve your dreams of making VARSITY on the LACROSSE TEAM and I mean ANYTHING my SPECIAL CHILD.”

If you think we’re being a bit hyperbolic here, just check this shit out. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, while 90% of this nightmare site is wholesome bullshit that you’d expect to see on a dish towel in the kitchen of a super evangelical Christian woman who doesn’t give money to food banks for borderline racial reasons, there is one other type of item that they sell.

And they’re terrible. So we’re going to talk about…

Family Gift Nation’s Horrible, Horrible Joke Shorts

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Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made

“Okay, so Mario has to get the Star-Rod, but you can also play as Peach, who gets help from Twink, okay guys what is it why are you all giggling?”

~Nintendo 64’s Focus Group Leader

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The last article we posted was an 18,000 word piece that took us five days to write, and at least 20 hours to research. It was a state-by-state analysis of how each America is handling the COVID-19 crisis that is currently *insert some cliche “we’re in this together” bullshit you’ve heard in like 500,000 commercials.*

So naturally, since people are talking about how we “did so much research” to provide “essential information” in our most recent post, we decided to follow that up with, just, the least essential article ever. This brings us so much joy. It is the dumbest thing we have ever done. We are truly children. Anyway, let’s have at it!

Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made

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Who Fucked Up? How States Are Handling Reopening in the Time of COVID

“Guys, why are you making me do real news? We’ve NEVER even come CLOSE to writing real news. Oh Jesus Christ, this is going to be so long isn’t it?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt. 

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Listen, we’re not happy about this article either.

This is not going to be worth the effort it takes to compile and, despite the fact that we’re going to try to fill this article with a combination of dumb dick jokes and meticulously compiled data, presented without too much overt bias, this will somehow piss off people, because apparently showing and discussing boring, dispassionate charts is considered “political” by about 25% of you fucking morons.

We are just looking at when states started opening up their economy, and we’re comparing that to how, as of the publication of this article, their infection rates of COVID-19 are trending. That’s it.

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We’re not saying that, if a state suddenly has a spike that looks like you’d need a fucking ladder to climb it, the state in question will forever suck at reopening their state. We’re not saying that states that held off on reopening are going to magically be in better shape than anywhere else.

Listen. If you’re reading this article at any point more than a few days from its publication, it could be oddly prophetic, or it could be a receipt left on the internet of how we misinterpreted how these trends would look in the long term.

That’s fine! This is literally a time capsule for this day, and however the data plays out after this point, it’s not at all tied to our ego. We wrote this over the course of like five days, and even in that short period of time some states saw HUGE changes from what we initially were seeing.

We had to go back and update all our charts, because while some were still accurate, some had some AGGRESSIVE CHANGES! If you’re reading this in September, we acknowledge that this article is going to seem quaint in its assumption that things are hunky-dory at some places they are not. We’re not happy that we spent about 20 hours writing this either.

And listen, if this article is proven to be stupid in a week, and states that we chastised for rushing into things ended up trending downward, cool! We’ll be glad to be wrong! We write stupid articles all the time. Like, that’s kind of our thing.

Anyway, all that we’re saying is, if you get mad reading our analysis here, maybe fuck off a lot. No, seriously. Shut it. Nope. Just. Shh. Shut up. Chill out.

And for the rest of you, you may often find yourself wondering this one question. And as of early-to-mid- June of 2020, this article will be your answer to—

Who Fucked Up? How States Are Handling Reopening in the Time of COVID

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6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century

“It’s like an entire century decided to find a name funnier than Seymour Butts.”

~American Historians Looking at Goofy American Names

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In the past, when we spent time looking into baseball players of the 19th century to find some really goofy names, it was primarily to talk about how silly, yet delightful, the Wild Wild West days of early Major League Baseball truly was.

But the more we thought about it, the more we wondered—what if it wasn’t just baseball players that had strange, laughable names back then? What if the era was responsible for ridiculous names more than just the sport of baseball?

It seemed plausible, and so we did a little digging (read as—we found a list on tumblr and did some googling to make sure the names weren’t just made up). And because very little gives us more joy in life than making fun of people whose parents really should not have tried to get “creative” coming up with a word to describe a human for their whole fucking life, we’re going to make fun of some names that are goofier than your name.

Except for you, Brandalynn. Your name is white trash garbage.

6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century

fucking brandalynn

Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s a gender neutral name too?

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The Most Absurd Mockbusters That Exist for Some Reason

“What’s that? There’s a new Spider-Man movie coming out? Maybe we can swoop in with…I got it….SPIDER-BOY! The Lawyers can’t get us then!”

~The Head of The Asylum

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Unless you’re a grandmother being tricked into giving her grandson a crappy DVD for Christmas, or gluttons for punishment like most of our writing staff, there’s a chance you’ve not heard about the film studio The Asylum, or even the more broad category known as Mockbusters.

The concept behind Mockbusters is simple. There are studios, or producers, or The Asylum it’s almost always The Asylum, who aim to make money by producing hyper-low-budget movies that pretend to be, or otherwise share similar themes and titles to, popular megamillion blockbuster films. Think Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, anything with a large cultural footprint.

The thought process behind filming these low-quality mockbusters is almost insultingly uncomplicated. Avengers has the highest grossing opening weekend of all time? Just spend like $800,000 on a cheap film called Avenge Squad Assemble, and you’re almost sure to make your money back from confused old people who still buy DVDs and those amongst our staff who enjoy ironically watching bad movies (you may roll your eyes at them).

Generally speaking, the blockbusters that are being mockbusted make sense. It’s not particularly surprising that the filming of Thor led to the creation of Almighty Thor. And Jurassic World was a massive hit, so obviously you’re gonna get Jurassic City.

But what about the high-budget films that we all knew, deep down inside, were probably…not going to be smashes? The Howard the Ducks of the world? Well guess what—if Howard the Duck came out in 2020, and had a $100 million budget, there would be a Mockbuster of it, because we live in a strange world that gives us strange movies that are both A- unnecessary and B- somehow profitable. That’s why we’re going to spend TOO MUCH TIME talking to you about…

The Most Absurd Mockbusters That Exist for Some Reason

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We Need to Talk about 2014’s Christian Mingle

“We need a hero in this nation at the moment. I am not that hero. I am, however, someone willing to get drunk and talk about a 6-year-old Christian romantic comedy. Which works in a pinch.”

Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

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*deep breath*

Hi America. It’s me. Johnny Roosevelt. I know I typically leave the article writing here to my staffers, and only really come out of the woodwork to talk about really important matters, such as the social costs of masquerading fake news as bad satire, or Lou Bega teaming up with (the long deceased) Scatman to release a fucking JAM.

But imagine my surprise when I emerged from my yearly four-month Spirits Journey (a Spirits Journey, obviously, involves locking myself in my office with a full barrel of bourbon stolen from the Pappy Van Winkle distillery and avoiding any and all human contact until I’ve finished it) to find out that my staff walked the fuck out without telling me and we hadn’t posted anything since November.

And doubly imagine my surprise when I checked the news and saw that people were suddenly “washing their hands” and “discouraging people from normal social practices, like playing the ‘how many fingers can I get in your mouth’ game with elderly strangers.” So yeah. It’s a strange time to be living in America, especially when you’re nursing a four-month-bender hangover. People are scared. People are panicked. People are treating toilet paper rolls like they’re tulip bulbs in 17th fucking century Holland.

We need something to unite us. Or, at least, distract us in a way that isn’t rich people singing John Lennon’s most overrated song of all time.

What we need…is to talk about the romantic comedy film of 2014, Christian Mingle. Because holy shit.

We Need to Talk about 2014’s Christian Mingle

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Six Constitutional Amendments That Were Nearly Ratified (And Four that Still Could be)

“Hmm, a constitutional amendment against child labor? Seems a bit radical for my tastes.”

~Voters in the 1920s, apparently

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The United States Constitution defines this nation more than any single document, and as a result it’s also a thing that a lot of people get really mad about sometimes, and that very few people have probably actually read all the way through. And really, what’s more American than getting pissed off about strongly defined positions you have based on nothing more than a few tidbits of information and a gut feeling?

That said, it is an incredibly historically significant document, probably the most impactful pieces of government writing since, um, what, the Magna Carta? We really don’t know or care about government writing that isn’t the US Constitution, which we assure you we have not even tried to read.

Now, the most important part of the Constitution is the fact that it’s not set in stone—it can be changed. You know, that whole Amendments thing? It’s easy to forget that we can actually do that—go into our founding document and say, “You know, we don’t like this anymore, let’s change that part,” because even though we have submitted over 11,000 proposed Amendments since the founding of the nation (seriously), very few ever come close to even become a real thing.

Sure, the ten year span from 1960 to 1971 saw a bunch of quick passing Amendments become a reality (The 23rd let’s Washington D.C. have Electoral College votes, the 24th has something to do with poll taxes and voting rights, the 25th solidifies presidential succession, and the 26th was arguably the most monumental, lowering the voting age to 18) but since then we’ve only had one Amendment come through, the 27th, which was originally proposed in 1789 and didn’t get ratified until 1992.

But since 1992? No amendments have really gotten close. Sometimes an Amendment will get vote on, but it’s almost always dead on arrival. In fact, it’s pretty difficult to get traction an any changes to the supreme law of our nation. For example, we almost got rid of the Electoral College in 1970. We were extremely close.

It passed Congress, and it passed the Senate Judiciary Committee, and the only reason it didn’t pass into law because the Senate filibustered it, so it never came to vote. Which made us think—are there any Amendments that actually passed, but were never ratified by states? The answer is not only yes, it’s yes to six different Amendments. And four of them could still be passed today! Which seems weird, right?

Anyway, let’s simplify legislation in a way to make any lawyer worth their salt piss themselves out of pure rage, and talk about…

Six Constitutional Amendments That Were Nearly Ratified (And Four that Still Could be)

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Every American Video Game Movie (Pretty Much Sucks)

“We’ve got established characters, set action pieces, and an iconic plot. How can we best fuck this up?”

~Hollywood Producers

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For the longest time, the entertainment industry didn’t know what to do with super hero movies. With the exception of 1978’s Superman and the Tim Burton Batman films, comic book movies tended to be either bad, box office bombs, or both. Sure you had a Spiderman 2 here and an “let’s forget there was a third X-Men movie” there, you couldn’t find many great representations of comic books on the big screen. It’s hard to remember those days now that Marvel has come along and made comic book movies that pretty much print their own currency while D.C. um, well, you know, they try hard and we love them for it.

We bring this up because comic books had to exist for a long time before anyone figured out how to translate them to the silver screen with any modicum of success. And that’s where we are now with video games.

Video games have been “things that exist” for only about forty or fifty years at this point, and we’re sad to report that America has yet to unlock how to make those games work as movies. It’s a little surprising, honestly—we have hundreds of popular video games that are basically movies that you play, yet we haven’t managed to turn that into compelling cinema.

Don’t believe us? Well fuck you, then. Wait, wait, sorry, that was maybe a bit defensive. But we’ll show you. Below we’ve listed every movie based off a comic book that’s been made in America, and listed them in reverse order of their critical score on the review aggregate site Rotten Tomatoes. And folks, it is…dire.

Every American Video Game Movie (Pretty Much Sucks)

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Teddy Roosevelt Wanted To Hunt the Snallygaster, America’s Mythical Dragon-Bird

“What’s that? A new animal I can kill? I’m IN!”

~Teddy Roosevelt

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Compared to other, older nations, America doesn’t really have a lot in the way of monsters in our folklore. Sure, we’ve got Bigfoot, and we guess there’s the jackalope, but compared to the sheer volume of mythical creatures in stories around the world, America’s got relatively few entries in that particular genre.

This isn’t too surprising—outside of Native Americans, most Americans haven’t been on this continent long enough to really nurture any good folklore. Hell, the first reported sighting of the Loch Ness Monster was 1500 years ago—considering that, it makes sense that we’ve only got a handful of random monster sightings in our history.

While the relative scarcity of American “strange monsters” doesn’t really shock us, the relative obscurity of the Snallygaster does. Because with so few things going bump in the night in America, how is everyone focusing their attention on finding some big hairy forest ape when there’s supposedly a dragon-like beast hanging around Maryland and Washington D.C.? Well Teddy Roosevelt apparently asked that very question.

Let’s talk about America’s least-talked about mythical monster then, shall we?

Teddy Roosevelt Wanted To Hunt the Snallygaster, America’s Mythical Dragon-Bird

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The Five Funniest (Relatively Harmless) Conspiracy Theories In the United States

“Making fun of conspiracy theorists means you must be PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.”

~Conspiracy Theorists

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We never would have expected that “obviously wrong conspiracy theories” would be a topic that gets people riled up, but it’s the 2010s and the Internet is still going strong so that’s probably just naivete on our part. For example, about four years ago we wrote an article about wacky conspiracy theories that exist out there, ranging from flat Earthers to a theory that Saddam Hussein had a fucking Stargate.

We chuckled and moved on to more important topics (if memory serves, the article we wrote next was on the worst Mountain Dew flavors of all time) but a beacon was put up on the internet, and apparently conspiracy theorists do not take kindly to being called whacky. One crazy man in particular went on a rant that contained three comments, 500 words, Sandy Hook false flag and 9/11 inside job accusations, the insistence that our staff should “read you twisted sick fuck” along with an implication that we were on “the cabal’s” (?) payroll, and no fewer than 12 colorful references to sodomy.

Not exactly what we expected when we wrote, “You at least gotta hand it to the conspiracy theorists. They’ve got a wonderfully healthy imagination.”

Looking back, maybe the issue was that we called the wacky people wacky. Who knows. But we’ve decided to accept blood money from the psychopathic satanic cabals desperate to hide THE TRUTH talk to you about some other out-there conspiracy theories we’ve discovered in our increasingly pointless quest to be Always Very Online.

But maybe, just maybe, we can avoid pointing the Batshit Crazy signal into Arkham by rephrasing what we mean by “wacky.” What we’re really talking about are funny, and mostly harmless, conspiracy theories. There’s no way that could offend anyone, right?

(And suddenly, a sea of neckbeards screamed out in anger.)

(And we swear to God if you jump into our comments to talk about Jeffrey Epstein we will find where you live and send a fucking glitter bomb to your house.)

The Five Funniest (Relatively Harmless) Conspiracy Theories In the United States

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