“Hahaha this can’t be real. This CAN’T be REAL.”
~Our SEO Experts
One thing you face when running a website is a constant slew of emails offering “SEO Services.” Basically form emails saying, “Your site is missing out on some MAJOR opportunities. Pay us to fix your site and make it great for SEO!”
For the majority of you reading this that rightfully read that as gibberish, SEO is short for “search engine optimization” which basically is a way of saying “we’ll try to make Google show your website more often.”
Before we go any further with this article, let’s get you in the right mindset. Yes, you come here normally to read things like “I miss those Doritos, amirite” and “woah that’s a big bottle of booze!” So we understand that the moment we started offering sincere explanations of digital marketing terms, you stiffened a bit.
Don’t worry, this is not going to be a boring marketing article or anything like that. And we know, going to you with the pitch of, “Let’s take a deep dive into a very comically web development and digital marketing agency” is a BIG ask.
But strap in. This is worth it.
We Cannot Stop Laughing at Yakima WebSite Design, Because Holy Shit
That 36-inch-chain wearing man with a facial hair choice that screams, “There are monks in Queens?” is Robert Hutchinson, who runs a web design and SEO agency called Yakima Website Design. And the website advertising his services is actively hilarious. For anyone who has worked in digital marketing, the site is high art, almost Andy Kaufman-esque.
First, a basic run down of SEO. On a basic level, SEO is relatively simple. If your site works fine, you write good (and relevant) stuff, and you get websites to link to your site, you are going to show up on Google for a bunch of terms, which will bring more people to your site. That’s “good” SEO.
Our site, for example, ranks for about 7,000 terms, and gets about 2,300 visitors a month coming here from search results. We can safely say that these numbers are “pedestrian” because “we don’t actually put effort into marketing this site”.
But Yakima WebSite Design? Well, let’s see what they have to say about themselves.
Two things here. 1: They are bragging about being ranked #1 on Google, Bing (lol) and Yahoo (LOLOLOLOL) for…the name of their business. A business where there is no other business with the same name. For any business, ranking #1 for your name is all but guaranteed.
Spoiler alert—they’re not number one.
Secondly, the backlinks thing. A backlinks is when some other website links to your site. Any time you see something underlined and in blue on this article that can take you to a different site? That’s a backlink we’ve given that site.
Three million backlinks is an insane number to pretend to have. To put that number in perspective, Taco Bell’s website has 1.5 million backlinks. The Chicago Cubs’ official site has 2.9 million.
Just a shade under 3 million…
So we’ve already set up how Robert Hutchinson is very good at lying about how good he is at his job. We’re not going to link to his website, because that will actually help him in SEO, a thing he is actively purposefully ignorant about.
We WILL say, however, that his website is about 15,000 words long, and contains no fewer than 6 of his YouTube videos which basically are 14-minute-long posts of him saying, “People, I’m ranking for this term on Yahoo, and people, it’s very hard to do what I’m doing, so call my phone number, I will say that phone number 3 more times people, and I’ll give you a deal, people.”
We are not exaggerating.
So listen, you don’t have to be involved with search engine marketing to dunk on this guy. Because, yes, if you work in marketing, you know “lol you are bragging about Yahoo search results a lot” is a funny thing to have happen in 2021. And Robert’s knowledge of SEO is so outdated that the bottom of his site involves keyword stuffing, a practice that literally stopped being useful over 10 years ago.
This is what you find if you scroll for 13 years to get to the bottom of his site. This is hot trash.
But you don’t need to know things like “keyword stuffing is embarrassingly outdated” to laugh at the most “this can’t be real” aspects of Yakima Web Design. Namely, A—for a service that claims to be able to make you millions of dollars, they’re bad at making a website that looks good and actively and aggressively lie about their successes and B—Robert Hutchinson keeps photoshopping crowns on his head, and his copy is riddled with typos.
There’s a lot of text here, but we’re pretty sure he never “Sarted Sudtying Website Design on My Own Everyday in My Spare time.”
First of all, his bold promises. Because this is an article dunking on someone being bad at SEO, we’ll make this section a headline, which is more SEO friendly.
What Yakima WebSite Design Offers, and What You Get
Here is a list of services Yakima offers.
These are bold claims! Millions of visitors (over an undetermined amount of time) is a big deal! Let’s look at one of their success stories.
If you go to Robert Hutchinson’s pubic Facebook account, this is the website he is hawking intensely. All of his last 20 or so posts are directed to cigars 4 cheap dot com, which is apparently worth over $800,000.
To break this down, there are 74,000 websites linking to this site (by the way, there are sketchy ways that you can buy backlinks. We’re 100% sure that happened here). It ranks for 750 keywords, 21 people find it every month via search, and its SEO traffic value is…$4.
Even when his boasts are comically not impressive (like ranking on Yahoo)…
He’s lying about them.
Nope, no Yakima Anywhere…
Right now, we’ve probably lost half of you, since we’re getting nit-picky in digital marketing tactics, and that is boring to most people. We understand that. Thank you for sticking around this long. Because as much as we’re enjoying the “let’s poke holes in this company that is trying to scam you of thousands of dollars by promising results you won’t get” aspect of this site, there’s something much more universal at play here.
Yakima WebSite Design Does not Know How to Spell
Here’s what Yakima WebSite Design promises you.
Now, if that combination of cluttered text and MS Office Clipart doesn’t boost your confidence, you’re probably not going to be won over by copy like….
If you want to win kustomers on fasebook and twiter, the photoshopped crown man is the photoshopped crown man for the job.
This is where we actively thought, “We are being punk’d. This is a joke. This can’t be real.” We’re still only like 60% sure that this dude is not pulling a fast one on us.
WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!? WHY ARE THEIR CUSTOM LOGOS FIVE JESUSES, THREE GOLFERS, AND EINSTEIN WRITTEN IN CRAYON BY A CHILD? THE DRAWINGS ARE SO INSANE WE ALMOST OVERLOOKED THE “CUSOTM GRAPHIC’S” AT THE TOP. WE ARE BEING PUNK’D, RIGHT? THIS IS A PRANK, PLEASE?
Listen, you can go to Yahoo and search for “SEO Services” to prove that this above screen grab is actively not true. But that itself is an insult, since if you go to Yahoo to search for “SEO Services” you will be the first person to do so since 2001.
Yakima WebSite Design is a true gem. It’s the most pure distillation of trolling. We’re not entirely convinced it’s not a joke site, and if it is, we are incredibly in awe. If it’s an actual viable business, we’re…terrified. Either way, when we scrolled down for a solid twenty minutes to finally make it to the bottom (and first call to action) on the page, we WERE tempted to join their mailing list.
Just look at those arrows. They scream “professional business.” Maybe we can get them to redesign our site to make millions.