“Goddamn it, [REDACTED].”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
[Editor’s Note: For those readers unfamiliar with his work, [REDACTED] is AFFotD’s investigative journalist who may or may not have been driven to insanity because of our assignments. His name has been redacted to protect his identity, since his first assignment was to eat at a Vegan restaurant, and his family and friends would never have been able to look him in the eye after hearing that he has put meatless sliders in his mouth. Since then, we’ve made him review awful rap videos, watch and livecast women’s soccer games, and write about, well, whatever the hell this sport is.
Recently, [REDACTED] managed to sneak into our offices early in the morning where he drank a whole mess of our moonshine and decided to post an article about Buzzfeed. Sort of. We think? He kinda lost us as he got progressively drunker by the end of it, but the main point we’re trying to make is somehow he found a way to post the article in a way that we can’t take it down and can’t edit it. So, it’ll be stuck on the site, and we’d like to take this moment to first and foremost apologize for any inane ramblings you’re about to be subjected to, and would like to remind you all that the opinions and viewpoints of [REDACTED] in no way reflect those of AFFotD.com. They’re just the sad trappings of a man who has long since gone insane. We should feel sorry for him, but the moment we let our guard down, he pulls shit like this, so it looks like we’re gonna have to find another awful music video starring a now-deceased stand-up comic to force feed him.]
HEY everyone, you miss me? No of course you didn’t, because I only pop up a few times a year when they decide to let me out of my damp, dark “office” so I can watch some god awful youtube video or talk about Labor Day or some shit. BUT THEY COULDN’T KEEP ME OFF HERE FOREVER, ha ha, and now I’ve got their precious moonshine and oh yes it will all be gone by the time I finish this article.
HEY BUZZFEED. Look at me! You guys know Buzzfeed right? They post articles about how great the 1990’s were and how everyone is introverted as proven by GIFs of Tina Fey in 30 Rock, and they apparently pretended to be horses on twitter and got everyone mad(?). Yeah those guys! They’ve gotten pretty popular since I first made the mistake of telling Johnny Roosevelt, “Yes sir, I’m willing to do anything for this site, I think it’s going places, there’s no job too dirty, I’m your man.” Buzzfeed’s gone internet famous. I heard that their writers even get HEALTH INSURANCE, and have offices that aren’t broom closets. The lucky bastards.
But hey, I can write about the 1990’s. Do you guys remember 3-D Doritos? I fucking do! For some reason there’s like 50 bags of them stashed behind the radiator in my closet and during some particularly dark, painful days I would eat them. Article pitch—16 things you see while hallucinating after eating 18-year-expired Doritos products. Please, I’ll write anything to get out of here.
That’s why I broke into the AFFotD servers, locked the door from the inside, and am going to drink a lot of moonshine and talk about why Buzzfeed needs to hire me away from this hellscape. HELP ME.
THE TOP 17 REASONS WHY BUZZFEED SHOULD HIRE ME AFTER I SOBER UP FROM WRITING THIS BY [REDACTED]
Please save me
1. I’m BUZZED right now, because they don’t FEED me here. ACtually I’m starting to feel kind of drunk, and I’m always oh so hungry, but see, I can do that kind of witty wordplay ALL. FUCKING. DAY.
MOTHEr. FUCKING. CATS, SON.
I keep telling myself the alcohol quiets the demons but they only get louder.
3. GIFs! LOOK AT THE GIFs! HOW THEY DANCE AROUND! LOOK AT THE SHINY GIFs AND LAUGH OH LAUGH WITH ME AND BE MIRTHFUL!
This show is popular, and I recognize that. HIRE ME PLEASE OH GOD I HAVE UNEXPLAINED RASHES.
4. Oh shit, uh, Reddit? Sure, I uh, Jesus, you want me to take clips screen shots from Reddit and then place them over stock photos? Sure!
That was totally me, and not from your website! But, if I DID steal it, I guess you’d know how psalm_69 probably feels?
5. I understand growing up in this complicated internet age. Parents just don’t understand things we go through, like how you can connect with 20 and 30 somethings by saying, “This is what it feels like when you go to work hungover on a Wednesday” and then you post something like this.
That one’s for the fellas.
7. But I also understand what the ladies want.
He’ll listen to you about your day AMIRIGHT!
8. Man, it’s really hard to keep this going. MORE WHISKEY I SUPPOSE!
AND ALL OF THIS
9. You know what was a great show? FUTURE-FUCKING-RAMAa! Hey Buzzfield, you assholes like some Futurama?
10. No, wait, ARRESTED DEFVELOEPNGMENT! You know you love it! TIME TO TAKE A SHOT FOR ARRESTED DEVELPGMENT!
11. I have six mores left and no whiskey left there WAS SO MUCH WHISKEY WHERE OH DID IT GO?
12. I miss my wife so much she left me last year here’s a picture of a duck Buzzfields you oguys like happy pictures with happycaptions right?
Hey buzzfiels I made that one myself with my SUPERIOR USINGS OF INTERNTS!
13. Has oneone here seen mighty ducks? That movie was tits. THAT DUDE CALLED THAT DUDE A CAKEEATER AND I SAW THAT AS A KID AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT BUT WHEN I DID HOLY SHIT IT WAS LIKEAH HEAD ESPLODE!
OH okay actually I looked it up on urbandcitionary and I thought it was sexually graphib but it’s nto it’s just calling him rich, which eh, we’ve all been called a lot worst rithg?
14. GUYS THE KNUCKELPUCK!
OMG DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT DUDES ALL ON SNL NOW? Oh shit, SNL, Buzzfiealhs, you like STEPHAN RITE?!
19?. BILLY SUDEKIS!
17! or, no, what is it at now?. Hahah, ohhh man I’m…I’m like this guy
GEt it? Like, drunk sad? dead
17. Right. 17. Now it’s 17.
In conclusiton and in thank you please consider me a job for Buzzfields I need to escape please and thank toos.