“Wow, do yourself a favor and don’t try to Google anything that starts with ‘tranv.’ Don’t ask how I know this, just do it.”
Contrary to popular belief, if you Google the word “Google” your computer will not catch fire and release all the captured souls that are used to boost processing speeds (we’re pretty sure that’s how computers work). However, if you Google Google, you won’t find their Wikipedia entry in the first page of results. True story. Google as a search engine was founded in 1998, and since then it has spawned into a multi-billion dollar enterprise that is responsible for your email, search needs, and that one social media platform you forgot you once signed up for.
Of course, one of the ways that Google helps keep the pulse of this fine nation is that they tend to track what terms are most often searched, so that if you start typing a question or a search topic, it will give you some helpful suggestions as to what you think you might be looking for.
But you don’t need Google to answer your questions. We got you, America, we got you. With that, we introduce to your our latest segment…
Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete
Here’s a good way to get started. What are people asking about America? Now, when we started typing “Does America rule or WHAT” Google decided to ask us these questions first. So let’s take a stab at them.
Does America Allow Dual Citizenship?
Why do you care? If you have an American citizenship, that’s all you need. If you were born somewhere else and we’ve deemed you worthy of being an American, you should adopt a Midwestern accent and burn everything that mentions you were born in another country. And if you’re from America and you don’t think that’s good enough for you? Well it’s too late, the death squads are already outside your home. Running will just prolong it, shh, just let it happen, shh, it’ll all be over soon.
Does America Own Puerto Rico?
Yes. We won it in a poker game with Spain in 1898.
Does America Have A National Language?
While the language of America is American, we legally don’t have an established national language, because we’re currently mired in a battle with England over what country the American language should be named after.
Does America Own The Moon
You’re goddamn right we do. USA! USA! USA!
For the following questions, we’re going to hand things off to our staffer who experiences anguishing, paralyzing electric shocks every time he is forced to explain the dumbing down of culture. Take it away, Jim Belushi facing an ironic punishment from a renegade surgeon who installed a chip in your brain!
How Does America’s Got Talent Work?
Well, you see, there are three judges and AGHHHHHH OHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD OHHHHHHH… phew, okay, and performers go on stage to showcase how they can OHHH NOOOO NOOO PLEASE PLEASE NO MORE I’LL STOP I SWEAR OHHHH GODDDDDDDDDD I’LL STOP!
How Does American Idol Make Money?
One word. Advertising. For the last ten years it’s been one of the most bankable shows on televis…OHHH NOOOOOO HNGGGGGGGGG HNNNGGGGGGGGG MAKE IT STOP PLEASE HOW IS THIS HAPPENING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? MY BROTHER WAS IN ANIMAL HOUSE PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!
How Does American Idol Work?
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE AGONY THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE SHEER PAIN I AM FEELING AT THIS MOMENT WHATEVER I DID TO DESERVE THIS!? OH RIGHT, ACCORDING TO JIM, BUT STILL, I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT ALL BACK JUST LET ME DIE IN PEACE!!!!!!
How Does America Rank?
Oh, we rank as number one, actually.
What Is The Most American Way To Eat A Pomegranate?
…Holy Jesus, Google, you beautiful muse. We…we don’t know. We’ve never looked deep inside ourselves to ask such a profound question. But we will now make it our singular mission to find out for you, Google. We won’t let that question go unanswered.
Why Does America Have Fingernails?
…Um…what? What the hell kind of question is that?
Why Does America Have Fingerprints?
What is going on? Is Google punking us?
Why does America Have Fingernails And Toenails
Is someone confusing “America” with “human beings”? Because otherwise these sound like the questions of a European psychotic killer.
Why Does America Have Finnick
…Let’s just move on, shall we?
We know this isn’t a question, we just wanted to point out that USA is the best country. Well done, Google. You were spot on with that one.