“No toys in my Happy Meals? Fine. Then I’ll grow up to be a serial puppy murderer. These are the stakes, mom and dad, THESE ARE THE STAKES.”
~Children in San Francisco
Every child growing up after 1979, and every parents of a child after 1979, has an appreciation for the McDonald’s toy-food combination known as The Happy Meal. For the children, it’s the 10 cents worth of cheap plastic that they will be incredibly excited about until they get home and promptly put it in the microwave because “That bitch Ursula is gonna get what’s coming to her.” And Happy Meals afford parents brief moments where they can finally eat one goddamn meal in peace without the child screaming like a banshee, you shouldn’t have done that kegstand while you were pregnant with him, honey. It combines two of the best American traits- rampant, imitable consumerism, and incredible obesity. So you can advertise your latest aimed-at-kids blockbuster film, while helping them scarf down half their daily fat intake in one meal. It’s great! We love Happy Meals because it plumps up our kids, which, let’s be honest, makes them less energetic and a lot easier to deal with.
Plus, Americans become 8% funnier for every 10 pounds they gain.
So today, AFFotD is going to discuss the history of the Happy Meal, as well as the terrifying real assault if faces today by the politically minded Chinese sleeper agents in our ranks.
Watch your ass, Mike Adams.
The Happy Meal was invented in 1977 by an advertising executive working with McDonald’s. In an attempt to create a better experience for families going to McDonald’s (before, they primarily catered to the “depressed, lonely, fat men” demographics, albeit with great success) Bob Bernstein of Bernstein-Rein Advertising decided to create a separate meal for the kids, so they could feel “in charge” of what they ate. Also, you know, toys!
And sometimes they’re NOT from total shitfests like the Bee Movie. Not this time, but sometimes.
The first ever Happy Meal was the Star Trek meal, which actually sounds really badass, and we want the set now. While the Happy Meal was not the first use of toys in a children’s meal for fast food, it set the gold standard, and imitators are everywhere. Happy Meals are an incredibly important part of American childhood. Plus, FURBIES!
Each one serves as a vessel trapping the soul of an illegal immigrant!
The reason why we talk about the totally awesome origins of the Happy Meal and holy shit are those Transformers! we at AFFotD have some troubling news to report.
That’s right. Un-American politicians who somehow dare say they are acting in America’s best interests are attempting to ban the Happy Meal from American children. This isn’t some distant fear of something that’ll happen forever from now, like the events from 2012, but something that has already come to pass, like the events of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Because San “Please Don’t Take Us Seriously as a City, Okay, Thanks” Francisco has already put that ban in place. The measure was so possible, it was veto-proof. The fuck you guys? We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. Democracy doesn’t work, people!
Granted, we sort of expect that from San Francisco. We gave up on that city when it became a hippies haven in the 1970’s, and we’re pretty sure that they ban everything that’s American there. You probably can’t legally shoot at street signs there, or own an SUV. God that place sucks. So, when we’re told that San Francisco was banning kids’ meals, explaining that it “incentivizes” kids to purchase “unhealthy meals” just so they can “get the totally badass toy, seriously, holy shit you guys, it’s FUCKING SPIDERMAN!” we weren’t that worried. San Francisco only rears children that grow up to be hollowed out hippies anyway, it’s the curse of that city. But then, we heard about the bill proposed by some asshat in New York who, guess what, wants to make it illegal for toys to be sold with unhealthy meals. And that’s something we will not allow. Not New York, America’s largest city and cultural trendsetter.
It’s time to fight back.
That is why AFFotD is unveiling our, “We will get one child addicted to cigarettes each day that Happy Meals are banned” campaign. It might sound shocking and controversial, and it is, but if these political dickweeds are going to act like they only have “the interest of the children” in their hearts as they go through legal means to take away their fucking toys, we’re going to up the stakes.
What’s more upsetting for you, political douche? Watching a chubby little fat kid running around and jiggling everywhere, which science proves is adorable, or would you like to see little Johnny Emphysema struggle through a carton of Marlboro Reds? ‘Cause that shit will be on you– they’re only going to look cool for like, fifteen years, twenty tops, and then it’s all downhill. And you can just convince yourself that it was all worth it, and be thankful that we didn’t go with our original “Make children addicted to heroin” idea.
Really, politicians, it’s your call. If you want to take joy away from American children’s lives, and you want to remove something that is inherently American, like the Happy Meal, we’ll just have to find a way to even the score. So unless you want your kids to develop a surprising affinity for whiskey or hand rolled cigarettes, back off New York Councilman Leroy Comrie. Back the fuck off, fatso.
Oh shit, wait, how did we just make that connection now? Councilman Comrie…Councilman Comrad… Councilman……..Commie.
You Russian bastards, you almost got us there! Ha ha! Phew. That was a good one. Don’t worry people, crisis averted, it’s just a prank by the Russians.
Haha, well done, you really got us back for that Chernobyl prank we played on you all
But seriously, hands off the Happy Meals.