Tag Archives: BLOG WAR!

AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

“I mean, you can run with this, but it better not devolve into a whole thing calling individual women ugly or anything.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay listen, by this point you know the deal.  If you drink and can at least hollowly echo our dislike of French people, we’ll get along fine.  Hell, even if you don’t drink but are like “fuck the French” we’ll not actively dislike you (but lord knows we won’t trust you).  But if you want to piss us off, you actively try to stop people from drinking.  Or, you know, try to save baby seals or whatever.  Fuck nature, they had enough chances, this isn’t Wall Street, we’re not here to bail out idiot penguins that didn’t realize that we were shuttling oil through a dangerous sea passage.

Yeah, FUCK you, penguins.

All that being said, we try not to talk about hot button issues necessarily.  Especially religion.  Because religion will breed conversations between zealots and assholes (yeah we’re looking at you, people who make a “flying spaghetti monster” joke as soon as someone mentions church) and no one wants that.  Which is why, when an intrepid reader pointed us to this site, we were hesitant to talk shit.  At first.  We saw “Women’s Christian” in the title and said, “hold up.”  We don’t want to get into religious discussions, and we really don’t want to be viewed as misogynistic, so we were hesitant to “tear this site apart and see what final stroke will finally kill it” as our reader suggested.  But then we read “Temperance Union” and just three neat whiskeys and one Wikipedia search later, we were enraged.

Not only are these damn Jesus bitches trying to stop us from drinking…well , no, that’s the main reason why we have an issue with them.  That and the fact that their webmaster must have died in an unfortunate geocities mudslide back in 1998 because, goddamn, just look at this screenshot.

Look, we have these “intelligent phones” the youths are using nowadays!

So the gloves are off.  We’re not even declaring a blog war here, we’re starting a real life war, because these people will not be allowed to touch our booze.  No siree.  So get ready, as…

AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

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Wherein AFFotD Admonishes Enterprising Americans For Their Incomplete Expressions of American Zeal

“While we appreciate your zeal, and your heart is in the right place, why don’t you stand back and leave this to the professionals.”

~Official AFFotD Press Release

The best thing about America is that most people understand and appreciate it.  So, while certain douchebags who we have declared blog-war against might hate America, most sensible and sane individuals love America, and why wouldn’t they?  America is a country where you can eat ice cream at the same time as you drive an SUV.  That’s fucking beautiful.  So, we can understand that people may share are similar level of fervent American love, but every once and a while we have to serve as officers of American public opinion and rein back the American ramblings of publications that are not our own.

That’s why we have to comment on a facebook group that has been dormant for the past several years, and will soon be reformatted by facebook.  We posted a screen shot of it here so you could see their views on America before it got changed, but below you will find a non-AFFotD sanctioned list of the most American things in America.

Right off the bat, we have to say that we appreciate what these kids are trying to do here.  But you can’t go from novice to expert on American things without years of practice and rigorous drinking training, and from the looks of this list those responsible for this group haven’t even worn through their training liver yet.

For example, at the top of the list is a series of “Untouchables” that range from “yeah I guess” to “eh, whatever.”  We all love Rock, Paper, Scissors, but if you dare tell us that you find that more American than Steak or C. Dale Petersen you’re full of shit.  And lying to restaurants to get free shit on your birthday?  That’s pretty American, but most of the time you just end up with a slice of cake with a candle in it, come back to us when they start giving out free bourbon for your birthday.  And sure, Guitar Hero is fun to play, but it’s not like it’s as American as The Oregon Trail.

In going through the list, there are a series of suggested American items that we endorse, those that were not well thought out, and those which are flat out wrong.  We will go through each of the three categories, but will also make sure to save the positive ones for last, because goddamn it we do like to end on a high note.

AMERICAN ACTIVITIES THAT DO NOT BELONG ON THIS AMERICAN LIST

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Wherein AFFotD Declares A Blog War Against A Pandemic Foe, Who Doth Dare Assert That America Is Doomed

“Boys, get out your phallus thesaurus, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned blog fight!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt


America Fun Fact of the Day prides itself as being an apolitical entity.  Sure, we’ll rip on Jimmy Carter, but really, who gives a shit about Jimmy Carter?  We also rip on Richard Nixon because we’re pretty sure he tried to coax us into the back of a van with candy one time.  We don’t talk about George Bush other than to point out that, surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not one of America’s ugliest vice-presidents, and we don’t talk about Barack Obama other than to point out that motherfucker is brewing beer and that’s kind of awesome.  But when actual politics come into the fold, we like to sit on the sideline.  Honestly, if you belong to a particular political party, we don’t really care unless you threaten to take away our booze or say shit against America.  Oh, and we have issues with PETA, but they don’t count.

Seriously, how can a protest campaign ONLY center around naked women and mutilated animals?  How does that make sense?

So when it comes to strong political ideals, we don’t really get the point.  The only difference between a tax cut and a tax hike is a bottle of whiskey and a drunken competitive game of skee ball.  We feel the need to point out that we have no liberal agenda, and no conservative agenda, and we go so far out of our way to avoid taking sides on hot topic issues that we won’t even make jokes about abortions, since both sides react to those by throwing eggs at us, and we hate having to clean our fucking walls.

Why are we going out of the way to point out how politically neutral we are?  Because we’re going to direct our editorial, American venom towards a left-wing blog.  “Oh, AFFotD, that’s not cool, why would you pick on a Liberal blog?  There are insane Conservative blogs all over, saying all sorts of inflammatory shit.”  We know, dear reader, we understand your trepidation.  But you should know what this blog is called.

That’s right.

America Doomed.

Aww HELL no!  We’re ready to go all Mike Adams on your headass.  The gloves are off.  This is America we’re talking about, we need to defend it from eunuchs like this.

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