“While we appreciate your zeal, and your heart is in the right place, why don’t you stand back and leave this to the professionals.”
~Official AFFotD Press Release
The best thing about America is that most people understand and appreciate it. So, while certain douchebags who we have declared blog-war against might hate America, most sensible and sane individuals love America, and why wouldn’t they? America is a country where you can eat ice cream at the same time as you drive an SUV. That’s fucking beautiful. So, we can understand that people may share are similar level of fervent American love, but every once and a while we have to serve as officers of American public opinion and rein back the American ramblings of publications that are not our own.
That’s why we have to comment on a facebook group that has been dormant for the past several years, and will soon be reformatted by facebook. We posted a screen shot of it here so you could see their views on America before it got changed, but below you will find a non-AFFotD sanctioned list of the most American things in America.
Right off the bat, we have to say that we appreciate what these kids are trying to do here. But you can’t go from novice to expert on American things without years of practice and rigorous drinking training, and from the looks of this list those responsible for this group haven’t even worn through their training liver yet.
For example, at the top of the list is a series of “Untouchables” that range from “yeah I guess” to “eh, whatever.” We all love Rock, Paper, Scissors, but if you dare tell us that you find that more American than Steak or C. Dale Petersen you’re full of shit. And lying to restaurants to get free shit on your birthday? That’s pretty American, but most of the time you just end up with a slice of cake with a candle in it, come back to us when they start giving out free bourbon for your birthday. And sure, Guitar Hero is fun to play, but it’s not like it’s as American as The Oregon Trail.
In going through the list, there are a series of suggested American items that we endorse, those that were not well thought out, and those which are flat out wrong. We will go through each of the three categories, but will also make sure to save the positive ones for last, because goddamn it we do like to end on a high note.
AMERICAN ACTIVITIES THAT DO NOT BELONG ON THIS AMERICAN LIST
1. The Entire Top Five
Get your inside jokes out of our America list, goddamn it. No, the number one American thing in America is not the fucking Bone Saw. Was Randy Savage a beacon of America who deserves his own AFFotD? Yes. Was his portrayal of Bone Saw in Spiderman heartfelt and emotional? Of course. But is that the most American thing you can think of? No, it sounds like the inside joke of a 19 year old college student. Wait, facebook…yeah probably is. But still.
Ditto for Fake Field Goals, which just tells us that the people who created this group played a lot of Madden Football (which itself is more American than fake field goals). And Ron Mexico (a fake name that Michael Vick used when he got tested for Herpes which, though hilarious, is still not overtly American). And as for “Not telling a girl ‘when’” we went to our female staff members who tossed up their hands at the misogynistic implications. And they’re used to macho bravado- hell, half the time our female staff ends up winning our weekly arm wrestling competition. Our Office of Female Americans department released a statement regarding this item on the list, which we will show in its entirety below.
“The line about not telling a girl ‘when’ being American is only American to boys who don’t like people to give them oral sex more than once. Which makes it one of the least American things we can think of. Most men have to pass through a complicated series of trials before the option of ‘not saying when’ is even possible. Most Americans are smart enough to know not to fuck that up by being a douchebag about it.”
Well there you have it. Blowtorches are pretty cool, though.
2. Whiskey Dick
What the hell is wrong with you? Do you guys have something against sexual intercourse, or were you just horribly maimed in some sort of farm accident that makes the prospect of a healthy sex life a daunting and nerve-wracking concept for you? You took something great (Whiskey) and listed the one possible negative thing about it (that if some people, not us of course but other, less American people, are unable to achieve erection after having too much of it) and then decide to tell us that it’s one of the most American things? Putting this on an American list is the cruelest thing since the doctor’s made it so that you’re not supposed to mix Cialis and booze.
3. Dutch Ovens
We get it, farts are funny. Farting under the sheets and making someone have to stay under the sheets and smell it is funny when you’re 17. Neither of these things are particularly American.
4. Bowl Cuts
This is what a bowl cut looks like.
There’s a reason why this kid is Asian, and not American. Get that shit out of our house.
5. Squibbly Porn
What the fuck is squibbly porn? You mean scrambled porn? How on Earth is that more American than regular porn? Your article is full of holes. Those are the worst offenders. From here on out, it’ll just be American things that make us shrug noncommittally.
American Things That Make us Shrug Noncommittally
1. Deep Sea Fishing Instructors, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Postal Workers, Ethan Albright
You know how every year that the Emmy’s come out, there are always a handful of shows that will be considered classic that don’t get nominations because someone decided that, say, Joan of Arcadia was more deserving of being nominated for “Best Drama” than, say, The Wire. And you don’t really care enough about Joan of Arcadia to be mad that it was included, but compared to the stuff that was snubbed it makes you think that the whole award series is bullshit? That’s this list. Who gives a fuck about deep sea fishing instructors, in the grand scheme of thing. Are they cool? Sure. Postal workers are alright too. Ethan Albright is a long snapper. You’re telling us that these are all people or types of people that are more American than Ulysses S. Grant or the marketing geniuses behind Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka? Doesn’t add up.
Though, in retrospect, let’s add Jim Duggan to the “Fuck yes, America” list.
2. Shotgun Bellyflop, jungle gym, monkey bars
All of this sounds like outside stuff that can help make you healthy. We find that suspicious. Though we’re not sure why a belly flop is described as being “Shotgun” but given the level of maturity we’re seeing in this list, it probably has to do with farts or semen. And yes, we are just as surprised as you are that we called out someone else other than ourselves for being immature. That’s like Casey Anthony calling someone out for being a reckless parent. But here we are. This is what this group is reducing us to.
3. Things that are clearly inside jokes, but which we don’t really care about.
“Junior Bacon Fuck Awesome” is the order someone with Tourette’s makes at Wendy’s. Again, we swear all the cockass time, but we don’t say things like, “The most American food is Big Mac Fuck Cool Cheerios.” And urban dictionary even had a hard time figuring out what you meant by “Atlantic Morphine (Rusty Hammer)” (you guys are fucking gross, by the way).
4. Most of this list, which is to say, things that are sort of ordinary and boring.
Mustaches are only cool in certain awesome situations. Fatalities doesn’t even make that much sense. Lego Castles and Butters from South Park are things we love, but don’t make it to our top 20% of most American things. And tube socks? Fuck you, really? Tube socks? That’s the blandest description I’ve ever heard since that hacker broke through our encryption and had us subscribe to the RSS feed of a watercress blog. And if tube socks are so fucking American, why do you also have “Being barefoot” on your list? What the shit, you guys?
But, much like a Parkinson’s victim with a bucket of darts, by sheer luck, some of the items on this America list hit their mark and are deemed appropriately acceptable.
The “Fuck Yes, America” List
1. Throwing up on people
Yes. Finally. This. Puking on people is absolutely American. We’ve done studies on this. 75% of all people-getting-puked-on instances are alcohol related, while 35% of these instances come from babies spewing on their parents. While you might be thinking, “Oh, that’s very clever, AFFotD, you don’t like Math because you’re American, so you put two percentages that add up to more than 100%” you’d be wrong. It’s just that 10% of the baby puking occurances are alcohol related, and we fucking love that. We don’t care how many studies you show us saying that giving babies bourbon is “cruel” and “incredibly dangerous” we’ve yet to see a drunk baby cry. They love the sauce. So yeah.
2. Fat kids wearing shirts in the pool
We can get behind this one too. Chubby kids are awesomely American, and nothing says “chubby kid” like “wearing a T-shirt in the pool” (this excludes the subset of Americans who are neither chubby nor confident in their shirtless appearance, because those kids need to sack up).
3. Stealing other countries’ best athletes
Ha, well we do do that.
4. Corn Dogs
Yeah, wait, how have we not done an AFFotD on corn dogs yet? Just a matter of time we would have to imagine. We’ve done Hot Dogs, and we’ve done Carnival food, Corn Dogs just seems so logical. It’s a hot dog designed to be eaten on a stick! Goddamn son!
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
And with that, we come to an end of our discussion of this group’s valiant yet foolish attempt to tell us what is considered extremely American. You can’t just dive into that sort of a discussion willy-nilly without thinking that we would just let it slide. We won’t. We appreciate your passion but we’re here to set your stories straight.
Maybe someday you’ll be able to swim with the big dogs, but first, you must grasp a better sense of what is American. Maybe this will help.