“While we appreciate your zeal, and your heart is in the right place, why don’t you stand back and leave this to the professionals.”
~Official AFFotD Press Release
The best thing about America is that most people understand and appreciate it. So, while certain douchebags who we have declared blog-war against might hate America, most sensible and sane individuals love America, and why wouldn’t they? America is a country where you can eat ice cream at the same time as you drive an SUV. That’s fucking beautiful. So, we can understand that people may share are similar level of fervent American love, but every once and a while we have to serve as officers of American public opinion and rein back the American ramblings of publications that are not our own.
That’s why we have to comment on a facebook group that has been dormant for the past several years, and will soon be reformatted by facebook. We posted a screen shot of it here so you could see their views on America before it got changed, but below you will find a non-AFFotD sanctioned list of the most American things in America.
Right off the bat, we have to say that we appreciate what these kids are trying to do here. But you can’t go from novice to expert on American things without years of practice and rigorous drinking training, and from the looks of this list those responsible for this group haven’t even worn through their training liver yet.
For example, at the top of the list is a series of “Untouchables” that range from “yeah I guess” to “eh, whatever.” We all love Rock, Paper, Scissors, but if you dare tell us that you find that more American than Steak or C. Dale Petersen you’re full of shit. And lying to restaurants to get free shit on your birthday? That’s pretty American, but most of the time you just end up with a slice of cake with a candle in it, come back to us when they start giving out free bourbon for your birthday. And sure, Guitar Hero is fun to play, but it’s not like it’s as American as The Oregon Trail.
In going through the list, there are a series of suggested American items that we endorse, those that were not well thought out, and those which are flat out wrong. We will go through each of the three categories, but will also make sure to save the positive ones for last, because goddamn it we do like to end on a high note.
AMERICAN ACTIVITIES THAT DO NOT BELONG ON THIS AMERICAN LIST