Tag Archives: Women’s Christian Temperance Union

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

“It’s Friday, Friday, Heroin between my toes.”

~Rebecca Black

America loves the weekend in the same way that an alcoholic loves unemployment- when you do it right, sure, you might be hurting down the road, but it’s still the best situation you can imagine yourself in at any given time.  The weekend is a magical time where you can throw caution in the wind, cut loose, and (internally) laugh at people stuck working in the service industry.  In a study by AFFotD researchers (you can usually spot them by their long, white beards being in such stark contrast to their American flag leather jackets) we found that 95% of all alcohol related puking is a direct result of the weekend (the other 5% is attributed to sadness.  Just so much sadness.)

Unfortunately, many Americans don’t know how to properly celebrate the weekend, simply stumbling around asking stupid questions like, “Should I have a beer?” or getting punched by AFFotD staffers after they say, “Well I should get to bed fairly early, those estate sales aren’t going to find themselves!”  That’s why we’re here to tell you how to be irresponsible American in the most effective way possible.

Stand back, and prepare for the knowledge bomb.

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

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AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

“I mean, you can run with this, but it better not devolve into a whole thing calling individual women ugly or anything.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay listen, by this point you know the deal.  If you drink and can at least hollowly echo our dislike of French people, we’ll get along fine.  Hell, even if you don’t drink but are like “fuck the French” we’ll not actively dislike you (but lord knows we won’t trust you).  But if you want to piss us off, you actively try to stop people from drinking.  Or, you know, try to save baby seals or whatever.  Fuck nature, they had enough chances, this isn’t Wall Street, we’re not here to bail out idiot penguins that didn’t realize that we were shuttling oil through a dangerous sea passage.

Yeah, FUCK you, penguins.

All that being said, we try not to talk about hot button issues necessarily.  Especially religion.  Because religion will breed conversations between zealots and assholes (yeah we’re looking at you, people who make a “flying spaghetti monster” joke as soon as someone mentions church) and no one wants that.  Which is why, when an intrepid reader pointed us to this site, we were hesitant to talk shit.  At first.  We saw “Women’s Christian” in the title and said, “hold up.”  We don’t want to get into religious discussions, and we really don’t want to be viewed as misogynistic, so we were hesitant to “tear this site apart and see what final stroke will finally kill it” as our reader suggested.  But then we read “Temperance Union” and just three neat whiskeys and one Wikipedia search later, we were enraged.

Not only are these damn Jesus bitches trying to stop us from drinking…well , no, that’s the main reason why we have an issue with them.  That and the fact that their webmaster must have died in an unfortunate geocities mudslide back in 1998 because, goddamn, just look at this screenshot.

Look, we have these “intelligent phones” the youths are using nowadays!

So the gloves are off.  We’re not even declaring a blog war here, we’re starting a real life war, because these people will not be allowed to touch our booze.  No siree.  So get ready, as…

AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

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