Tag Archives: ALDI

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

aldi

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen?  Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”  That’s it.  The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.  Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it.  If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”  We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.”  No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away.  They stalk us to this very day.  So fuck it.  We’ll lean into the skid.  Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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ALDI: Revisited and Re-reviewed

“Jesus Christ, why do you all love Aldi so much?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

aldi

Three years ago, no, sorry, more than three years ago, we posted a little joke article on our jokey informative site.  It was called, “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners the Market on Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  It was fine.  It made a lot of jokes about ALDI being for poor people, because their stuff is super cheap, their products almost comically try to mimic the name and design of name brands, and if you’ve ever been to an ALDI that’s not in a kind of shitty neighborhood, well congratulations you live in New Hampshire, shut up.  Oh, we said something like, “there are two kinds of people in this world, those that shop at ALDI, and those that have jobs.”  Ha ha, a little joke, making fun of how cheap and cost-cutting ALDI is.

And holy shit, people got mad.

shar comment

Like, really mad.

bernotas comment

Like, fucking three years later, out of the fucking blue mad.

pete comment

By the way, outside of Pete’s spelling of “8insurance” being absolutely hilarious, we love the email he listed in his “you must put an email to post a comment” section (yes, we can see what email you use, yes most of them are obviously fake, and a surprising amount of you go into making your fake email address specific to your comment, which, hey, kudos.)  It was nycceo@yahoo.com.  NYC CEO!  That’s so perfect.  That’s the funniest thing we’ve ever seen from someone trying to center their argument with a brick wall around the concept of “I am a CEO, and even I go to 8ALDI.”  We had to email the address, just to make sure it was fake.  No, seriously, we had to know.

email

Damn.

Anyway, the point being, we’ve gotten nearly a dozen comments, all angry, all insisting that ALDI is amazing, and that we’re wrongheaded bigots for daring to insult it.  We’re close-minded in dismissing this righteous, German-owned chain of grocery stores.  These billionaire owners of ALDI deserve better!  They sell us fruit cups a dollar cheaper than Rite Aid!  So it appears you sons of bitches want us to re-evaluate our stance on ALDI, because fucking everyone has way too strong of an opinion about that store.  Fine.  We’ll do you that favor.  This is literally the first time we’ve had to revisit a topic, but we’re doing it for you, the social media managers of ALDI the fans.

ALDI:  Revisited and Re-reviewed

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ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs

“Oh, someone wants to have TOP Ramen?  Well Lah Dee Dah, would you like me to park your limousine for you MR. ROCKEFELLER?”

~ALDI Customer

 

One of America’s chief exports is sustainable poverty, and we’re strictly responsible for coming up with numerous ways for people to go about “eating in an American fashion” without having to “pay money for ‘healthy’ food.”  Our fast food restaurants have dollar menus that ensure you can hit your daily calorie intake without spending more than two dollars.  We make individual donuts that have more fat than a twelve ounce steak.  So while we might have to get inventive, and look to import in cheap ass food sources, make no mistake that the lower eight rungs of our society will flock to embrace them.

We’re talking, of course, about the discount supermarket chain, ALDI.  A company with enough laughable generic food imitations that it’s remarkable to consider that it was founded and is headquartered in Germany.

But we’ll forgive them that one small fact for a delicious box of “Fruity Rice” cereal.

Haa, yes.

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