“I AM A GOD!”
~You, when drinking
While we talk about alcohol consumption in such a manner that some of you have started to suspect that we are part of an alien species that is waged in a generations long war with human livers, there are occasionally benefits of massive, dangerous consumption of the fairest poison. Mainly, there have been numerous instances where some brave, boozy fool has been in a situation where lesser, more sober men would perish, only to be saved by a combination of luck and alcohol-aided relaxed muscles. They might not all be from America, but due to a loophole in the Constitution, as soon as they survived a fatal event because of how drunk they were, they automatically received US Citizenship.
Listen, we’re not saying that you should drink obscene amounts of liquor and then see what happens when you jump off the roof of your house. Oh wait, no that’s exactly what we’re saying. But, legally, we shouldn’t be saying that. We’re just saying that, if you did that, we’d totally write about you, and say all sorts of complimentary things about you. Don’t you like it when people say complimentary things about you? Of course you do. Of course you do.
So put your beersafety goggles on, and get ready to salute…
Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)
When reading reports of devastating yet darkly comedic accidents, there are no sweeter words in the English language than “Alcohol was involved.” Unless it also involves the words “beer bonging” followed by a type of hard liquor. Yes, Alcohol is often a factor in us doing awesome, reckless things. Where a lesser, more sober man might go, “Jesus Christ, no, do not jump off this balcony, you will die, I can’t believe I have to actually say this out loud,” an intrepid drunk might say “Fuck you, you’re not my dad, FREE WILLY WOOOO!” and let gravity decide who the real man is.
And while many times alcohol’s effect on our decision making ends with us waking up the next morning wondering where our pants are while googling “The Rhythm Method” with a grim look on our face, every once and a glorious while a lovely night of binge drinking can leave you pretending that you’re Jesus, or wandering naked along a highway while telling the police you just handled a nuclear weapon. And even more rarely and spectacularly, your night out might leave you feeling fucking invincible.
Because, when you drink. You are man. You are.*
*Our legal department is a bunch of pussies, so they told us we had to point out that you are in fact not invincible when you drink. But if that’s the case, how come we were able to jump off the roof of that outhouse that one time, huh? Huh, legal? What do you have to say to that shit?
Just look at these unstoppable super men.
5: The Man Who Was Run Over By 26 Train Cars
Where’s the most uncomfortable place you’ve ever drunkenly passed out? Maybe you answered, “on my bed, but while still wearing shoes, with the lights on.” Or possibly, “I passed out on the floor of a friend’s apartment when I was too drunk to try to get on the couch.” Hell, if you’ve really done the night right, you might say “I passed out on the subway once and woke up to find my pockets had been cut.” However, we’re pretty damn certain that none of you responded “on train tracks.”
That is, unless you’re that Alberta man who walked away without a scratch after drunkenly passing out on some train tracks and getting run over by 26 train cars. If you felt that this wasn’t enough to make him an honorary drunken invincible American, after rail personnel discovered that the man had survived, they woke up the man, who got up, grabbed his beer, and stumbled away. That’s a level of calm that just screams, “Of course I drunkenly passed out on some tracks while a train ran me over. It’s Tuesday.”
Apparently, the man’s diminutive stature allowed for the train to pass over him without hitting him, while he was so drunk he didn’t move when the train went over him. If you’re so drunk that you don’t get startled by a fucking train running you over, you’ve clearly been doing something right.
Of course, not all drunken miracles are caused by Herculean feats of immobility. Sometimes a fucker just wants to jump. Fuckers such as…
4: The Drunk Who Fell Off A Cliff Trying To Grab His Cat
People love their pets, and people also love their booze. However, for one California man, these two loves clashed in a particularly falling-off-a-cliff-y way, when 43-year old man fell off a 25 foot cliff attempting to grab his cat, which had followed him along the bluff top. While many of us spend our time with our pets trying to find ways to avoid having to handle their feces, this man decided to grab for his cat while being the kind of drunk that tends to not mix well with cliffs.
Now, while he clearly fell off the cliff because he was drunk, he did survive his fall, no doubt aided by that lovely haze of “What’s that, did a rock hit me in the head? I didn’t notice” that you tend to get when you drink enough to fall off a cliff chasing after a cat. Which begs the question—is it better to not be so drunk you fall off a cliff chasing a cat, and thus don’t have to worry about surviving a 25-foot fall, or is it better to fall off the cliff while being drunk enough you can survive it?
…Oh, right, probably the one where you don’t fall off a cliff. Still, that cat better make sure to never miss the litter box ever again after everything his owner drunkenly tried to do for him. If you ask us, we’re pretty sure if he had a dog, the dog would have known to try to get his drunk master away from the cliff. We’re not saying that cats try to kill their drunk owners, but we’re also not not saying that.
But this glorious drunkard at least had a reason to drunkenly fall a terrifying distance. The same can’t be said for…
3: The College Student Who Straight Up Missed The Pool From Three-Stories Up
Cinco De Mayo is a hugely important holiday for White Americans. Mexicans couldn’t really give a shit about it, but white people love that shit. Is there anything more American than aping a different nation’s heritage for a cheap excuse to get shitfaced on tequila and shitty corn-brewed beer? Well, we guess you could try to make it more American by drunkenly jumping off a house like a jackass and missing the pool you were aiming for. Which is exactly how Colorado State University sophomore Ian Smith likes to party.
While getting wasted at a Cinco De Mayo party, Smith decided to climb his drunk self up to the third story of an apartment building, which happened to be adjacent to a pool. While a brain not currently brimming with alcohol awesomeness might send neural signals along the lines of “Hey, it’s a nice view up here, by the way, whatever you do, don’t jump,” Smith’s much more awesome drunk brain said, “Dude, CANONBALL!”
We know how this ends. He missed the pool, hitting the side, and broke a bunch of bones, yada yada yada, don’t worry about it, he’s mostly fine. But look at that entry point up there. See the limpness in his body? That’s the booze helping him. Most people falling from a great height have to deal with their body freaking out because holy shit you’re falling this is not a state man was meant to exist in. But your body, when given a nice healthy dose of being drunk, goes limp and might help you avoid, you know, dying. If Ian Smith’s grainy photo isn’t enough to convince you of booze’s ability to save your life, just ask…
2: The 20-Year Old Who Jumped Off A Building And Ran Off Without A Second Thought
If you have an article that, in the first two sentences, calls you “the rubber band man” while pointing out how drunk you were, you’ve probably done something that we in America would refer to as “goddamn impressive.” In this instance, the impressive feat was performed by 20-year old Theo Paget, who despite having the disadvantage of being British, has earned the right to be a US citizen, after jumping 50 feet off a hotel balcony…at which point he jumped right back up and ran off.
Due to the amount of drugs and alcohol in his system, Paget’s muscles were so relaxed that he absorbed most of the impact, and was able to continue on his merry drunken way before returning to his Marmaris, Turkey hotel several hours later complaining of a sore back. You know, a sore back from falling 50 feet. In his own words, “[The doctors] were amazed I lived to tell the tale. I was like a rubber ball and just bounced.” That’s right, America. Alcohol turns you into a rubber ball. You should absolutely try that at home.*
*Our goddamn legal department made us put this in here to say that, no you probably SHOULDN’T try it at home. Goddamn lawyers.
But Theo Paget has got nothing on…
1: The Drunk Russian Who Jumped From The Fifth Floor…TWICE
Most people do not jump from fifth story balconies. This might come as a shocker to you, but no, that is not considered “normal” behavior. And most people who jump from fifth story balconies immediately have the pretty measured response of, you know, dying. You know what people generally don’t do? Most people don’t jump off a fifth story balcony, get up, run back upstairs…and jump off the balcony again. Most people are clearly not Alexei Roskov.
Alexei Roskov, being probably the most American man to have the misfortune of being born in Russia, decided to chug three bottles of vodka, because, you know, he’s stuck in Russia. At this point, the 22-year-old opened his kitchen window and dove out, again, probably because he’s stuck in Russia, where his drunk, relaxed body survived the impact with nothing more than a few scrapes and bruises. At this point, he darted back up to his apartment, only to find his wife nagging him (probably because she just saw him jump out a fucking five story window) to the point that he felt the easiest way to avoid his wife’s yelling would be to…jump out the fucking window again.
When he went to the hospital, he still had nothing worse than cuts and bruises, so he was sent home on his merry, miraculously alive way so he could explain himself to his no doubt irate Russian wife. While we haven’t heard anything about him trying to jump out a third time, we can only assume it’s because he ran out of vodka.