“Sure, go for it.”
America likes alcohol about as much as America likes alcohol, but sometimes we have to eat, or we don’t feel like consuming liquids at the moment. Shut up, it happens sometimes. Maybe. Anyway, it is times like that where we Americans can show our ingenuity by discovering strange, magical, almost logic-defying ways to get wasted. Yeah, we might be lagging in education and…uh..maths? but we’re still able to get you drunk without you even knowing it. Or in one case (number one on the list) we can get you drunk while you are terrifyingly aware of it.
That’s why we at AFFotD are here to present to you…
The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)
“I regret everything about my association with this company.”
What does America like? Killing horses, of course. What else are we fans of? Sugar. And by the America law of transference, anything that can be used to get you drunk is automatically awesome. That’s why we had our AFFotD Jingle-writer, Tom Waits, write a little ditty about…Jell-O. Because he was starting to go into D.T. and we told him he had to write something really cheesy and campy before he got to drink his medicine. Here’s what he came up with.
We’re big fans of horse’s hooves
Make them tasty instead of glue
Add some sugar, and whatdya do?
You put it in booze and get shitfaced.
It needs work, but that’s beside the point, we’re here to tell you about America’s favorite dessert that tries to fatten up America’s youth by imploring to them that “There’s always room for empty calories.”
“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”
You know what’s boring? Math and Science. Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.
In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless. Why should we care what an atom looks like? And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet? Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes. Thanks, science! Screw you, Cindy!
But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too. While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways. Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters? To us? Americans?
Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.
Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place
Posted in Fuck Nature, Strange Alcohol
Tagged Alcohol, America, American Pie, Beerfest, Bees, bologna, Bugs, drunk ants, drunk bugs, Edible Scorpions, Fruit Flies, Fuck Nature, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Insects, Large Hadron Collider, Math, Science, Sir John Lubbock, Tarantula Hawk, vodka