“I regret everything about my association with this company.”
What does America like? Killing horses, of course. What else are we fans of? Sugar. And by the America law of transference, anything that can be used to get you drunk is automatically awesome. That’s why we had our AFFotD Jingle-writer, Tom Waits, write a little ditty about…Jell-O. Because he was starting to go into D.T. and we told him he had to write something really cheesy and campy before he got to drink his medicine. Here’s what he came up with.
We’re big fans of horse’s hooves
Make them tasty instead of glue
Add some sugar, and whatdya do?
You put it in booze and get shitfaced.
It needs work, but that’s beside the point, we’re here to tell you about America’s favorite dessert that tries to fatten up America’s youth by imploring to them that “There’s always room for empty calories.”
Jell-O is made of gelatin, which is made from boiled bones, joints, and guts. It’s the most theoretically disgusting thing this side of hot-dog casings. It was popularized in Victorian England because blah blah, we’d tell you but we can’t understand what British people say because everything that British people say sounds fucking ridiculous.
“We made the Gellies in the cornswash with the elephant’s wambozzled pinkered.” GODDAMN IT ENGLAND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR COUNTRY IS SAYING!
Eventually, America decided to get involved with it, since British people routinely turn cuisine into nightmares, and in 1845 the patent was filed for powdered gelatin by Industrialist Peter Cooper, who previously built the first American steam powered Locomotive, because nothing goes hand-in-hand quite like trains and Jell-O.
This picture makes total sense.
The patent bounced around, first to the family of Pearle and May Wait, who flavored the powder, and then to Francis Woodward, before the company took on the name “Jell-O” in 1923, and a series of marketing tactics helped make Jell-o a household name, with flavors ranging from “normal” (Cherry, Peach, Strawberry, Lime, Lemon, Orange, and Raspberry) to “Oh mother of God what evil have you unleashed upon this world?” (Celery, “Italian,” mixed vegetables, seasoned tomato).
*Thunder crash, ominous Opera music plays*
In 1936, powdered pudding came into play, using milk instead of water to create a delicious, semi-solid dessert. By now, Jell-O sells 158 different products and sells 300 million boxes each year. But it wouldn’t be an American article if we didn’t spend the majority of this article talking about how Jell-O has evolved into an effective, delicious way into tricking people to get drunk.
JELL-O SHOTS BITCHES!
Jell-O shots were invented as a sneaky way to make drinks in the Army, and remain a sneaky way to make drunks. Jell-O would tell us that they don’t intentionally make their powdered gelatin so sweet just for masking alcohol purposes, but they totally do. If you can ever taste the alcohol in a Jell-O shot, call a poison control center immediately and tell them you just consumed a paradox.
The impressive thing about Jell-O shots is that you won’t notice the alcohol affecting you initially, as it takes longer for the alcohol to dissolve in your stomach. That means that you will take a shot, wait around and say, “Dammit I don’t feel anything,” and then take another shot. You will repeat this step until you wake up on a park bench in a rhinestone thong. Jell-O shots are fucking amazing.
Ah, we meet again, old friend.
Ultimately, Jell-O is a delicious, sweet way for us to eat dessert when our bodies are screaming at us to stop eating, while also serving as a convenient delivery system for absurd drunkenness. And that, friends, is an incredible American combination.