If Variety Can Cheat and Use AI to Write Their Articles So Can We

“Ugh. Jesus. Well at least we’re literally the last website on the internet to write a hot take on Artificial Intelligence”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

Yes, we used AI to make this image. The prompt was “rich venture capitalist using Artificial Intelligence software to write a bad article –ar 16:9”

It’s been a while since you’ve heard from our staff (our staff holiday party was a booze cruise for Octoberfest that ended up leading to an almost note-for-note Triangle of Sadness situation. Only for us, the rich were okay, and the interns…well we don’t have interns anymore).

Speaking of Academy Award nominated films, friends of the site know we get weird about award season. We gave our predictions for every single major category for the 2023 Oscars (and were surprisingly accurate) and we went through 40 years of cinema to re-distribute Best Picture Oscar winners.

These articles took work. Like, enough work for you to rightfully be concerned about the mental state of our writers. And they received hundreds, maybe even thousands of views, and brought in roughly $3.52 of revenue.

You know who has more than $3.52, a larger staff, and decided to fuck off and do their Oscar preview not with 14,000 words that took 20 hours to create, but with an entirely AI-created article with 15 minutes of edits that is immediately recognizable as being pushed through ChatGPT?

Variety.

Let’s Talk About Variety’s Embarrassing AI-Written Oscar Feature

The Midjourney prompt for this (after using the “variation” option once after the first set of results) was “man raising a middle finger to a copy of the magazine “Variety” –ar 16:9 – Image #2“

Variety was founded in 1905 and grew to become one of, if not the, most important and vital voices in the entertainment industry. In 2012 it was purchased by the Penske Media Corporation, a mass media company and considering how treasured entities purchased by mass media companies have fared recently, we shouldn’t be surprised that their standards are…let’s say, politely, “profit based, fuck you reader, we don’t give a shit about you, no, fuck off, fuck you writers, fuck you readers, now PAY US.”

Again, we say that will all due respect to the Penske Media Corporation. Your lawyers could crush us in a moment and no one would know. Our legal department (a recently divorced lawyer with a degree from Cooley Law and a lapsed bar degree) has informed us that we should say this article is satire and we do not have enough money to warrant you paying your expensive lawyers and we’re sorry for what we said (we are not).

ANYWAY!

Jazz Tangcay, which is a name that despite all odds and natural assumptions is the name of a real person, wrote an article titled “‘Barbie,’ ‘Killers of the Flower Moon,’ ‘Zone of Interest’ and More, Recapping the Artisan Nominees.”

Tangcay is actually the Senior Artisans Editor of Variety, which given the content of this article means, “she had someone use AI to write this article, but she’s smart enough to know how using a fake author for a fake article worked for Sports Illustrated.”

The prompt was “Jazz Tangcay. I just want to know how your robot mind will register the words Jazz and Tangcay,” This was the first image.

Anyway, we’re going to cherry pick some of the best lines that were definitely written by hu-mans doing re-search for this article about the 2024 Oscar nominated films. Then, screw it, we’ll run this article through ChatGPT and have them rewrite it as a 150 word summary. May the robots rule us forever.

“When they’re not making history, what makes these artisans special is their storytelling through their craft. Building worlds and environments with rich, lush textures to immerse audiences into their scapes.”

Oh boy. This is the second paragraph of this article. The “history” from the opening paragraph is…a costume designer got their first nomination (…okay?), John Williams broke his…own record for nominations (not exactly history-making) and the first Osage nation songwriter got a nomination (okay, respect to that.)

The following paragraph before the rundown is “Here, Variety takes a look at the nominated artisans across all the crafts ahead of the guild awards and Oscars on March 10.” Yup, crafts crafts, crafts. The senior editor of this 120-year-old legacy publication agreed to put her name on this. Fuck it, let’s try to make another Jazz Tangcay AI image.

Prompt, after a variation of the first image was prompted, was “Jazz Tangcay using a computer, laughing, while looking at a pile of money with a single tear running down her left cheek. She went to journalism school for this. She reached the pinnacle of her industry. And here she is now –ar 16:9 – Image #4“

“With credits that include ‘Basic Instinct,’ ‘Showgirls’ and ‘Bridgerton,’ Mirojnick created another character for Christopher Nolan, that hat that becomes synonymous with Cillian Murphy’s character.”

Jesus Christ. Ellen Mirojnick, who in the previous paragraph was the costume designer who “made history” for getting her first Oscar nomination after a decades long career is being done dirty by Jazz, we mean, AI, we mean, AI that Jazz let happened because her bosses forced her to cut costs wherever possible.

ChatGPT decided to cherry-pick from Mirojnick’s extensive IMDB credits. Sure, her work on Bridgerton was acclaimed. She also was nominated for awards for Behind the Candelabra. She did great period work with The Knick (Clive Owen was a early 1900s doctor who eventually killed himself by performing an apendectomy on himself, it was fine) and was in charge of costumes for The Greatest Showman, which if you didn’t see you’re theater friend can recite the whole script by memory, songs included.

Yet the algorithm decided that of her career highlights, they should focus on…SHOWGIRLS!? The movie about women WHO FAMOUSLY DO NOT WEAR CLOTHES? That movie that won six Razzies Awards? Jazz! Give an unpaid internship to a UCLA student with rich parents and have them do just an ounce of research and editing on this shit!

But yes, she did a very good job creating that hat that has become synonymous with Cillian Murphy’s character, whatever his name is, from that movie Oppenheimer. This article is going to be 20,000 words long isn’t it?

“Jacqueline Durran chose primarily pastels as her main palette for “Barbie.” Pinks, blues and whites, with a rule of no black and brown”

This…isn’t racist, but it feels like the robots are being racist? Is that just us? Let’s continue…

“Alexander Payne calls editor Kevin Tent his filmmaking partner. Tent cut for the emotional and powerful performances from Paul Giamatti, Dominic Sessa and Da’Vine Joy Randolph.”

Paul Giamatti received his first Oscar nomination in nearly 20 years for The Holdovers. Da’Vine Joy Randolph is the runaway favorite for Best Supporting Actress. This was the first role for Dominic Sessa, who is currently in film school. It was directed by Alexander Payne, winner of two Academy Awards, but you know, if you crawl through IMDB and pull the top three credits you’ll end up with the names mentioned in this article.

We spent more time researching that paragraph than Variety, which made $68.1 million last year, spent on their entire article.

Prompt was “The Cast of The Holdovers.” Here is the cast of The Holdovers.

‘”Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning’ mixed practical and special effects for a thrilling ride as a train falls off a cliff Tom Cruise and Hayley Atwell (Agent Carter) have to run and climb through it.”

Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning mixed practical and special effects that featured Tom Cruise (Ethan Hunt) and Hayley Atwell (Grace, but like, you know her from the Marvel movies, you know, Peggy Carter? Listen, IMDB has that name as two of her four ‘known for’ characters).

No notes.

“Killers of the Flower Moon” was nominated for 10 Academy Awards. Scott George’s nomination should come as no surprise. ‘Wahzhazhe (A Song for My People)’ is an important moment in Martin Scorsese’s film. George is the first member of the Osage Nation to be nominated for an Academy Award. Could that narrative push him to a surprise win?”

Did you know that Scott George is the first member of the Osage nation to be nominated for an Academy Award? You know, a fact repeated almost verbatim in the first paragraph of this article? Would it be fair to say that George is…a master of his craft?

Prompt was “craft craft craft craft”

“Diane Warren. Never count her out. She campaigns. She hits and she lands that fifth slot. This year, the 15-time nominee sought out Becky G for “The Fire Inside” and will bring reggaeton to the Oscars.”

This…is ChatGPT having a stroke?

Sentiment could tip Robbie Robertson to a post-humous win for “Killers of the Flower Moon.”

Post-humous!? We have to repeat, this is a company making $68 million+ a year, and their senior editor put her name on this. God fucking dammit. What is happening?

“Black and white is the trend among this year’s nominated cinematographers.”

Again…this isn’t racist. It just feels like the AI is being racist.

“Kodak created 65mm Double-X 5222 black-and-white film stock so Hoyte van Hoytema could distinguish between points of view in “Oppenheimer.” Lewis Strauss’ (Robert Downey Jr.) perspective was told in the black-and-white scenes, while color stock brought viewers into J. Robert Oppenheimer’s (Cillian Murphy) point of view.”

Interesting fact, in no way does it sound like a robot looked up “tech specs of films Oscar nominations 2024.”

“Kodak Double-X 5222 black-and-white film stock was Robbie Ryan’s stock of choice for the beginning of ‘Poor Things.'”

Kodak, you whores, how could you cheat on Hoyte van Hoytema with Poor Things???

This article only covers the artisan categories (sound, cinematography, original score, original song, production design, visual effects, editing and costume design). You’d like to think Variety wouldn’t just plug in “describe the 2024 Oscar nominees” for the major categories. But at this point…we wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, as promised, here is this article, completely summarized in 150 words by ChatGPT.

All is lost. The Machine shall devour us.

Prompt was “the grandson of teddy roosevelt writnig an article on a computer as people cower in fear in the background –ar 16:9“

Here is what ChatGPT said when we said “Write a 150 word summary of the following article” with the article above copy/pasted.

In a satirical critique, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt lambasts Variety for outsourcing its Oscar preview to AI, accusing the media company of prioritizing profits over quality content. The article highlights the questionable choices made by the AI, such as focusing on the film “Showgirls” in the career of costume designer Ellen Mirojnick, and points out the lack of depth in Variety’s coverage compared to their own extensive predictions. Despite Variety’s long-standing legacy, the author criticizes the apparent cost-cutting measures that led to an AI-generated article. The summary reflects the original article’s humorous tone and disdain for the perceived shortcomings of AI-generated content in media coverage.

They came up with this instantly. Fuck, looks like we gotta make some layoffs.