“It’s called the Money Plane. Some of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet are on that plane, all craving action. Whatever you want to wager on, the Money Plane has you covered. You want to bet on a dude fucking an alligator? Money Plane.”
~Darius Emmanuel Grouch III (a.k.a. The Ruckus)
On July 10th, just less than a week after its birthday, America was blessed with a belated gift. With of a reported budget of “under $50 million” according to Wikipedia (because the director jokingly said “Well it was under $50 million”) and an actual budget of, like, $75 bucks and the promise to delete several portable hard drives worth of compromising data, we were given MONEY PLANE.
And it’s the best film of 2020.
Don’t let the haters fool you. Don’t listen to the 3.3/10 rating on IMDB. Or the 27% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. This movie is gold.
And speaking of gold, we’re going to award it SEVENTEEN FUCKING ACADEMY AWARDS.
All of the Oscars Awarded to MONEY PLANE, the Best Movie of All Time
“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
~Harvey Dent. Wait these are supposed to be fake quotes…
Hi there! If you’ve recently discovered our site, you probably think of AFFotD as that place where we do too much research about COVID and say “fuck” a lot. If you’ve been following us for a long time, you know that we usually like to celebrate weird history, booze, and food while making fun of other nations’ cultures while saying “fuck” a lot.
This will not be any of those things.
This is goin to be a review of TV special. Which is a thing we literally never write about.
But our staff has been longtime fans of the shot 30 Rock, and 30 Rock released a quarantine reunion special. And…well…we normally don’t weigh in on such matters, but…
The 30 Rock Reunion Special Is Very Bad in a Way That Makes Us Very Sad
“You say I get to play someone named Castor Troy? I don’t even need to read the script, I’m IN.”
~Nicholas Cage in 1997
There’s no exact science to how we come up with our article topics. Sometimes we see something in the news that piques our interest, sometimes we just think about pizza and think, what if this, but bad.
And sometimes we get a message from friend of AFFotD and occasional contributor, SarahIndie, and the article just writes itself.
So that’s what we’re going to do! Note, this is NOT going to be a list of which CHARACTERS are the best. It’s just which NAMES are the best. Because if we had to sit down and watch every Nic Cage performance, we would not be able to finish before we reach the heat death of the universe. But names, those we can look at and evaluate.
So here we go. No build up, just NAMES! HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS!
“Goddamn it, I’m eating, I don’t want to hear about this. Gross.”
This is going to be a short article, and it’s going to haunt you for a long time. We’d apologize but we ran out of sorries somewhere around the time we wrote an articles with 90 pictures of sex jokes from Paper Mario 64.
Anyway. We’re going to write about ice cream. That’s not particularly unusual for us. And we’re going to write about gross ice cream. Again, been there, done that.
But no. We learned something horrible today, and we decided to drop everything and put together some 500 words so that you, our dear, beloved readers, can have their day ruined as well.
We are monsters and we must be stopped. Because.
Oyster Ice Cream Exists. Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair
“Okay, so Mario has to get the Star-Rod, but you can also play as Peach, who gets help from Twink, okay guys what is it why are you all giggling?”
~Nintendo 64’s Focus Group Leader
The last article we posted was an 18,000 word piece that took us five days to write, and at least 20 hours to research. It was a state-by-state analysis of how each America is handling the COVID-19 crisis that is currently *insert some cliche “we’re in this together” bullshit you’ve heard in like 500,000 commercials.*
So naturally, since people are talking about how we “did so much research” to provide “essential information” in our most recent post, we decided to follow that up with, just, the least essential article ever. This brings us so much joy. It is the dumbest thing we have ever done. We are truly children. Anyway, let’s have at it!
Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made
“It’s like an entire century decided to find a name funnier than Seymour Butts.”
~American Historians Looking at Goofy American Names
In the past, when we spent time looking into baseball players of the 19th century to find some really goofy names, it was primarily to talk about how silly, yet delightful, the Wild Wild West days of early Major League Baseball truly was.
But the more we thought about it, the more we wondered—what if it wasn’t just baseball players that had strange, laughable names back then? What if the era was responsible for ridiculous names more than just the sport of baseball?
It seemed plausible, and so we did a little digging (read as—we found a list on tumblr and did some googling to make sure the names weren’t just made up). And because very little gives us more joy in life than making fun of people whose parents really should not have tried to get “creative” coming up with a word to describe a human for their whole fucking life, we’re going to make fun of some names that are goofier than your name.
Except for you, Brandalynn. Your name is white trash garbage.
6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century
Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s a gender neutral name too?
“What’s that? There’s a new Spider-Man movie coming out? Maybe we can swoop in with…I got it….SPIDER-BOY! The Lawyers can’t get us then!”
~The Head of The Asylum
Unless you’re a grandmother being tricked into giving her grandson a crappy DVD for Christmas, or gluttons for punishment like most of our writing staff, there’s a chance you’ve not heard about the film studio The Asylum, or even the more broad category known as Mockbusters.
The concept behind Mockbusters is simple. There are studios, or producers, or The Asylum it’s almost always The Asylum, who aim to make money by producing hyper-low-budget movies that pretend to be, or otherwise share similar themes and titles to, popular megamillion blockbuster films. Think Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, anything with a large cultural footprint.
The thought process behind filming these low-quality mockbusters is almost insultingly uncomplicated. Avengers has the highest grossing opening weekend of all time? Just spend like $800,000 on a cheap film called Avenge Squad Assemble, and you’re almost sure to make your money back from confused old people who still buy DVDs and those amongst our staff who enjoy ironically watching bad movies (you may roll your eyes at them).
Generally speaking, the blockbusters that are being mockbusted make sense. It’s not particularly surprising that the filming of Thor led to the creation of Almighty Thor. And Jurassic World was a massive hit, so obviously you’re gonna get Jurassic City.
But what about the high-budget films that we all knew, deep down inside, were probably…not going to be smashes? The Howard the Ducks of the world? Well guess what—if Howard the Duck came out in 2020, and had a $100 million budget, there would be a Mockbuster of it, because we live in a strange world that gives us strange movies that are both A- unnecessary and B- somehow profitable. That’s why we’re going to spend TOO MUCH TIME talking to you about…
The Most Absurd Mockbusters That Exist for Some Reason
“We’ve gone this long avoiding being BuzzFeed, but now that no one cares about BuzzFeed…let’s do it.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
So here we are.
We’re doing a “hot or not” post.
Some backstory. Well, not enough to forgive the premise of this article, but whatever.
Our staff decided to binge through the Harry Potter films over the course of two days. We’re literally watching The Order of the Phoenix as we write this, and as we watch this film in the year 2020, a film that centers around how a government can deceive you by discrediting accurate media and replacing independent government agents because they don’t speak to an evil agenda, we couldn’t stop ourselves from getting controversial.
Watching this type of film, during the lost year that is 2020, we knew we had to talk about this movie. And we had to talk about a single topic.
And that topic is…….
Which Actors in the Harry Potter Franchise Ended Up Being Hot
“Hahah the past is hilarious.”
~Official AFFotD Mission Statement
We here at America Fun Fact of the Day know that it is our sworn duty to create that content that you, the reader, will truly crave. Unfortunately, we might not pull that off in this article, since a lot of dog whistles might be sounding in a lot of your heads with us talking about the Glenn Miller Band in such terms as “lol, so white” and “1940s much, grandpa?”
And normally, sure, we’d do a deep dive into the American musical icon that is Glenn Miller. In fact, we absolutely should. The man disappeared in 1944, likely crashing into the English Channel on the way to perform a show to support WWII troops, but his remains were never found. In just four years, he recorded 16 number-one records and 69 (nice) top-10 hits. To put that in perspective, that’s more top-10 hits than the Beatles and Elvis Presley combined.
Yup. There’s a lot of really rich, interesting history to unpack in the forty years of musical life of the American legend Glenn Miller. But our loyal reader and occasional contributor “Admiral Myark” (he did not sign off on this moniker) sent us the centerfold from the 1958 compilation of Glenn Miller and his orchestra’s film soundtrack contributions, and, well, we’re gonna rank a lot of old-timey white person names from least to most old-timey white person name sounding. Because Glenn Miller was a hero, and it’s only the true heroes that we feel comfortable poking fun at.
Ranking the Members of the Glenn Miller Orchestra By How White and 1940s Their Names Are
“We need a hero in this nation at the moment. I am not that hero. I am, however, someone willing to get drunk and talk about a 6-year-old Christian romantic comedy. Which works in a pinch.”
Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Hi America. It’s me. Johnny Roosevelt. I know I typically leave the article writing here to my staffers, and only really come out of the woodwork to talk about really important matters, such as the social costs of masquerading fake news as bad satire, or Lou Bega teaming up with (the long deceased) Scatman to release a fucking JAM.
But imagine my surprise when I emerged from my yearly four-month Spirits Journey (a Spirits Journey, obviously, involves locking myself in my office with a full barrel of bourbon stolen from the Pappy Van Winkle distillery and avoiding any and all human contact until I’ve finished it) to find out that my staff walked the fuck out without telling me and we hadn’t posted anything since November.
And doubly imagine my surprise when I checked the news and saw that people were suddenly “washing their hands” and “discouraging people from normal social practices, like playing the ‘how many fingers can I get in your mouth’ game with elderly strangers.” So yeah. It’s a strange time to be living in America, especially when you’re nursing a four-month-bender hangover. People are scared. People are panicked. People are treating toilet paper rolls like they’re tulip bulbs in 17th fucking century Holland.
We need something to unite us. Or, at least, distract us in a way that isn’t rich people singing John Lennon’s most overrated song of all time.
What we need…is to talk about the romantic comedy film of 2014, Christian Mingle. Because holy shit.
We Need to Talk about 2014’s Christian Mingle