“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”
While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting. And drunk. And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends. Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.
“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet. But secondly, we have to tell you something. This article? Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article. Fuck that. No, today we are going to introduce to you…
George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)
George Washington was a man who knew the importance of drunk Americans, which is probably why he also had his own beer recipe. So when we came to find out that Washington had his own eggnog recipe, we assumed it would have to be an incredibly delicious, effective way to get you drunk. And goddamn it, we were right. Here is the complete list of ingredients:
- 1 pint of brandy
- ½ a pint of rye whiskey
- 1/3 a pint of Jamaica or New England rum
- ¼ a pint of sherry
- 1 dozen large eggs
- 1 dozen tablespoons of sugar
- 1 quart of milk
- 1 quart of cream
Preparation: Mix liquor. Separate yolks and whites of eggs. Beat yolks while adding sugar, mix well. Add liquor mixture, slowly, while beating. Beat whites of eggs until stiff, and slowly add to the mixture. Add milk. Whip cream until stiff, and add slowly to the mixture. Let set in cool place for several days.
We’re not the best with math, but the internet told us that this recipe calls for about 33 ounces of liquor, which means that George Washington very well could have prepared this eggnog for the sole purpose of making people drink it all at once as a test to see if they were truly American (if they weren’t American, they would die of Alcohol poisoning, if they were truly American, they’d throw an awesome party and then shortly thereafter die of alcohol poisoning).
While we are ready to celebrate the fact that the first president of this fine nation concocted such a libatious, uh, libation, we have a hard time that Washington only had his beer and eggnog recipe. So we’re going to list a series of totally-not-made-up (hint, they’re made up) drink recipes that Washington would enjoy while at Mount Vernon.
George Washington’s Rum and Cola
- 1 pound of cocoa leafs
- 1 gallon of water
- 1 gallon of Jamaica or New England rum
- 1 severed finger of British Officer for garnish
Preparation: Steep cocoa leafs in water for several weeks. Add CO2 through method of your choosing. Add to large punch bowl, containing Jamaica. Find nearest British officer, sever finger, garnish in punch bowl.
George Washington’s Bourbon, Neat
- 1 pint of Bourbon. Neat.
- 1 chair to pass out on
Preparation: Open bottle of Bourbon, begin drinking. Continue until passed out.
George Washington’s Cosmopolitan
- 1 fist
- 1 face
Preparation: Find the strongest person in the room. Have them punch you in the face for thinking that George Washington would drink a Cosmo.
So now we can rest knowing we’ve done our part to get you drinking the way that Washington would have. Except for that Cosmo recipe. That one was clearly a fake. The rest were real, though.